i'm crazy in the middle of the irresponsible summer of my soul just now.
oh you know what i mean.
i've never been a gemini, i have no way of knowing, but lately i am wondering if this is what it might feel like to be a gemini. i am talking inner conflict here! there's the one side of me that dislikes smiling politely at people and making small talk in grocery store check out lines and doesn't give a crap what you think about me and likes the hustle and bustle, and then there's this other side of me that just wants some danged wheat fields already. sundresses, unbrushed hair, the farm house with the blue pick-up, and all those old horses and chickens and fresh eggs and the day's menu planned around whatever's ripe in the garden, and feeeeelings. aprons dusted in flour. what am i baking, it really doesn't matter, just . . . why not, mason jars too. shall i keep going?
oh you know what i mean.
i've never been a gemini, i have no way of knowing, but lately i am wondering if this is what it might feel like to be a gemini. i am talking inner conflict here! there's the one side of me that dislikes smiling politely at people and making small talk in grocery store check out lines and doesn't give a crap what you think about me and likes the hustle and bustle, and then there's this other side of me that just wants some danged wheat fields already. sundresses, unbrushed hair, the farm house with the blue pick-up, and all those old horses and chickens and fresh eggs and the day's menu planned around whatever's ripe in the garden, and feeeeelings. aprons dusted in flour. what am i baking, it really doesn't matter, just . . . why not, mason jars too. shall i keep going?
i'm coming to terms with the two sides of me, the city vs country, the ornery vs sensitive, and starting to hopefully find the right balance between the two. sometimes my ornery side needs to be fed in order for it to be kept in check so i can keep on being a "good girl." if you know what i mean.
so, i'm jonesing for a tattoo. i knowwww, but that's the point. i want something stupid and borderline meaningless and very permanent, and i want it somewhere really, really obvious. that would be so dumb. it's such a bad idea. i am a thirty-year-old and i want to be making decisions like i'm sixteen. i want to do potentially dumb things. not too potentially dumb, but just level-2 kind of dumb, maybe. nothing i'll really regret but something i'll regret just enough to shake things up a bit. it's really not the end of the world if i do get a tattoo and so it's tempting to me in that kind of empty way if you know what i mean. oh, how sad the rebel fantasies of a (not always so) good mormon. ;) so maybe i should just pierce my nose instead. that's what brandon says. wouldn't that just be really stupid and grand.
"i'm just feeling boxed in!" i said to brandon one evening over the weekend while listening to joni mitchell. joni mitchell is dangerous.
"hey, you don't have to tell me!" brandon said back, because that brandon always knows. ever the poet in tax attorney's clothing, that's my husband for you.
"i'm just feeling boxed in!" i said to brandon one evening over the weekend while listening to joni mitchell. joni mitchell is dangerous.
"hey, you don't have to tell me!" brandon said back, because that brandon always knows. ever the poet in tax attorney's clothing, that's my husband for you.
i am just itchy. it's the irresponsible summer of my soul! just like i said. i think it's leading to good things. i'm coming into my own and it feels damn good, in an itchy type of way.
on sunday we broke some rules to stop in at the big apple bbq, which goes on once a summer at madison square park. it's so much barbecue. soooo much barbecue. and it was such a metaphor FOR MY LIFE (i am being uncharacteristically silly about things) (hah). my southern friend from louisiana with her big southern drawl was there and there was all this pulled pork and pickles, and we were in the middle of the city, but if you squinted real hard it could very well have been someone's back yard in the middle of nowhere off a dusty side road and in some dumb cosmic way it was exactly what i needed.
i can't have it all. except for sometimes. when i can.
(i'm pretty sure anyway.)
(i'm pretty sure anyway.)
a special thank you to the checketts who let us mooch off their bbq passes. WE LOVE THE CHECKETTS. in all caps that one because it is truth. and i'm sorry again mary martha that your louisiana drawl always brings out my latent paternal south carolina drawl, i swear i'm not doing it on purpose, it's so sad and embarrassing. my inner pretentious madonna accent-sponge just happens to be an ozark hillbilly, that's all.
