This is my mother. My mother is a stone cold fox. This weekend my mother turns 50. You can't believe this, I know.

So this weekend I will be driving to Portland to bask in my mother's birthday glory, to nap on her couch, and to eat of her birthday cake. While I am there I will probably also buy a bigger bra. Happy birthday mom!


Weekend In Numbers

Isn't my cousin super cute on her wedding day?

Number of Harry Potters watched: 4

Number of naps taken: 5

Number of naps that stretched past two hours: 4

Number of times I said "No dogs on the couch!": 35 million

Number of times The Holbs snuck a dog onto his lap anyway: I swear I am going to kill him.

Number of times I perused my cousin's wedding album on Facebook: 3

Number of cabinets painted Kitchen Stove White by The Holbs: 20

Number of times I said I was pretty sure I knew Peter Pan in the preexistence: 1

Number of times I whined like a toddler: 140,593

Number of shots for Barney at the Vet: 3

Number of bras I have outgrown so far: 2

Number of times I have looked at my chest and thought "What are these?": 12

Number of times I have reread your comments from this week: A lot.

(You guys are the best.)

(How was your weekend?)


Letters To My Husband

Dear Holbsy Holbserton,

You come home tomorrow! Aren't you so glad?

How fancy was your dinner with the Pedersens tonight, on a scale from 1-10? Are you a little sad that you'll miss the wedding in Denmark? Not as sad as you are without me? That's what I thought.

Let me tell you, things have been pretty exciting around here. I don't know if you'll be able to handle it when you get home. Here, I will tell you all of the exciting things I was up to today.

Well. First I slept in till ten.

Then I bought the dogs some breath mints at Pets Are People Too. Did you know such a thing existed? Dog breath mints?

Uhhh, do you feel like brushing the dogs' teeth when you get home?

I would do it but I'm too pregnant.

Then I bought some fruit at the Safeway. You know.

Then I laid on the couch. Buying fruit is really tiring.

Isn't this thrilling?

I met Kendall and Ollie and Sawyer downtown and they bought me dinner at Nectar. Are you jealous? I had the blue cheese burger. It was really good. And then I made them all split a lemon tart with me because, well, and let me just tell you, they make their whipped cream with brown sugar. They let me eat all the whipped cream and I don't even regret it.

Then on the radio a reporter mentioned the nice weather we've been having (it's been grand!) and he called snow a "mantle of celestial confetti."

How much do you love that, on a scale from 1-10?

(Almost as much as you love me?)

Your Baby Mama


Letters To My Husband

My Darling Holbsy,

How is Texas? How are you? Would you believe me if I told you that I looooooooove you?

Are there any Sonics where you're staying? I ask because - do you know what I wanted really bad today? A Sonic cherry limeade. Sooooo bad. I accidentally got one yesterday for the drive home from Spokane and it was a really bad idea, because now it is all I can think about. I got a lemonade today at the taco place but it just did not cut it, sir!

I tried to go running this evening but instead I fell asleep on the couch. That's pretty sad. Me and that couch are becoming real good friends, you know. It's really too bad too because it was sixty degrees and sunny. How is the weather in Texas? 

I am sorry Holbsy but I watched tonight's episode of Lost without you. Maybe you can catch it tomorrow night on Hulu in the hotel? Just pretend that I am there snuggling up with you. Right now When Harry Met Sally is on. Peter Pan looked at the TV very strangely during the fake orgasm scene. I will laugh for the rest of my life when I remember the look he had on his face.

Remember when we ate at that deli in NYC and the pastrami sandwich tried to KILL ME?

I miss you!

Oh! I can't believe I almost forgot!

What do you think about that?!?

Your Baby Mama


Letters To My Husband

Dear Holbsdarling,

I hope you do not mind the mileage, but I had to drive to Spokane to get the car washed. You know that place on Division? With the full service vacuum? It was a beautiful sunny day out and the radio gods loved me all the way there. Twenty bucks and two hours of driving and you would not believe how that puppy shines.

(I also had to go to the Target but let's not discuss.)

Dear Holbsy you should know we are all simply distraught without you. Last night after you left Peter Pan did nothing but cry. He paced the bedroom and whined, laid under the bed and sighed, then sat on my head on the bed and groaned. Rinse and repeat. I did not get any sleep. Come home soon!

(Barnaby is completely fine, but don't let that make you feel bad.)

Oh, and me! Oh, I am horribly sad. I miss you terribly! What am I supposed to do with myself? I have complete control of the television channels and the power is getting to my head. There is nothing interesting on TV these days, what happened? I watched about a million episodes of Pawn Stars on the History Channel tonight and I am sorry to report that I am falling more in love with that bald guy. What is it with me and bald guys? I would request that you go bald, except I do so love that red hair of yours.

Good luck on your presentation tomorrow! I am sure you will do wonderfully.

Your Wifey


Letters To My Husband

your face of joy as you read this sweet little letter from yours truly

My Dearest Handsome Holbsy,

I sure do miss you while you are away! 

Thanks for taking me out on that walk last night, just the two of us. Isn't it nice to walk your wife instead of those silly dogs? Wasn't it fun saying hello to that old horse that lives on D Street? Do you think he fell in love with me, just a little bit? Thanks for forgetting to introduce me to your law school professor, that was awesome!

Hey, wasn't it fun watching Lost last night on the laptop with all those stinky dogs piled all over us? Seriously, why do they smell so bad? When you come home they'll be completely trained to stay off the couch. Just you wait!

I hope you had a safe flight, and don't worry, I got this place covered. And I promise to do the dishes ALL WEEK LONG. I know you're concerned about that. And if somebody makes an offer on the house I promise to negotiate the right way. I won't let you down!

Until Thursday, baby doll.

Your Wifey


A Tuesday In Reviewsday

Today was a big day.

At ten I participated in a staring match against a fat robin. He was perched on the neighbor's fence, I was perched on my white sofa, and we had eyes. I may never know what was going through his head as his beady little eyes stared me down, but I am sure it was fascinating. After I beat him soundly he ate a couple shriveled orange berries off my neighbor's tree and that was that.

At eleven I took a really righteous nap. I sung to sleep by a chorus of barking dogs. Really complicated harmonies.

At two I went to work. Let's not discuss.

At seven I saw the Queens on my run. I said hello at their fence but one of them woofed at something across the yard and soon enough they were off to investigate. They truly are enormous, as in, their enormity is not easily described. It was quite cold out and someone had a fire in their fireplace and the air smelled smoky and perfect and it made me want to go camping.

At eleven I watched a special on TV about how someone has actually bred a Liger. For their skills in magic I am assuming.

All I wanted to eat today was Macaroni and Cheese and Tuna and Peas and so I DID.  I chased each bowl with a pastel bunny shaped marshmallow.

How much do I love pastel bunny shaped marshmallows? SOO much.

At midnight I sat down and typed up all of these incredibly significant details, with a dog leaning against each hip as if I were some kind of pack mule.

Life doesn't get too much better than this, I suppose.


Adventures Of Pete And Pete

So, the truth of it is, Barnaby MacDuff is out of commission for the week. I won't to go into it, yes he's fine, but let's leave that out of this.

The point is, this week is a Peter Pan week over here.

Any mother will tell you that the first thing you do when you have been temporarily relieved of one of your children is you start noticing all the things that have somehow gone wrong with the kids remaining. For instance. Peter Pan's nails have somehow grown so long that they tap on the hardwoods. When did that happen? I wondered as I dialed his Vet to make an appointment. I do not cut The Pan's nails myself because I do not wish death, and also because it takes three fully grown adults to do the job and I barely qualify as one (height joke). 

While on the phone I discovered that Pete is also in need of an update to his Distemper shot. Distemper! Please, I would like a Distemper shot for myself. Just ask my husband. He'll tell you.

"Well, would you like to go for a ride in the car?" I asked Pete. He sat up straight and made a bee-line for the door. Car rides are an earthly dream come true when you are a Pan The Man.

When we pulled into the Vet he was just beside himself with glee. I will never understand the inner workings of a dog's brain. Things never go pleasantly for him at the Vet and yet he is always thrilled to go there.

In the lobby we harassed a fat orange cat. Pete loves kitty-kitties. He does not want to chase them or bark at them, he wants to sniff them, kiss them, and then probably spoon with them. Such a sweet boy. One time a patient kitty-kitty let him get close enough for a kiss on the nose. Afterward his ears bounced higher than ever. The stuff of dreams, Pete!

While we were there we discovered that in the last twelve months the fatty has gained seven pounds. Good heavens.

Then I groomed him and bathed him and took his lard butt for a run. Faster, Petey!

The end.