Well, While We Are On The Subject . . .

Last night I dreamt I started my period. Like an arterial wound, I bled and bled and bled.

When I awoke from this dream, in the bleary moments before the numbness of sleep wore off, I thought I could hear my uterus telling my brain that it should probably tell my hands to get some Midol down my throat now, because things were about to get hairy.

And then it came pass that I suffered through three hours of the most horrible, the most painful, the most despondently awful cramps of my entire life.

But honestly. Who wants to write about this? Not me. And anyway, what sort of self respecting female discusses the state of her reproductive system like this? Certainly not a lady. Should I be trying to be more like a lady? Clearly something must be done here.

Well, I did the math. In my life I have had one hundred and ninety-two periods. How's that for an over share? I know there are women whose bodies turn on them every month but that has never happened to me. It has never been anything like it was today. I thought to myself, I really thought to myself that this was it. I was dying. I was dying there on the spot because my period was going to kill me.

Thanks, Clomid!

And I thought, I should so blog about this!

However, I have been thinking about it and I think what we all need is a break from my ovular status updates. Yes. This occurred to me around about 2:00 today, when my sister texted me to find out how my uterus was doing. You know, any renters? That type of thing. And I had to stop and wonder to myself, when did this happen? When did I become the poster child for ovulatory openness?

My ovulation is something I am incredibly proud of. Who wouldn't be? Who can say they ovulate all the time? We are in a recession. Well, me, for one, I ovulate. Monthly. And now I am bragging just a bit.

But I think it would be nice to not talk about it anymore. About how it hurt, all over. This morning, I mean. And how I was a little confused by it all. And then suddenly my entire organal institution was trying to exit out and I was all Woah-woah-woah! Can't we talk this over first?

I know, I know, who has any self respect any more after reading this? Certainly not me. I drop words in here like "uterus" and "blood" and "period" like I'm talking about early American Presidents or something. I mean, my father reads this garbage! Gross! I mean, honestly, I know.

It's just that, this morning I am pretty sure I almost died. Only there was no light to greet me - no warm, glowing deal - only cold, bitter darkness. If I was nearing death it was not the angels to greet me, that's for sure. I had plugged in my curling iron, I had washed my face. I had all intentions of going on to do better things with my day, but suddenly it was hot, it was so hot, and I couldn't wear my clothes anymore. And then I couldn't stand up. And then, lying on the cold bathroom floor in my underwear, I decided I should repent. I repented of every sin known to man, just so I would be covered.

Then I texted my husband
Ohhhhhhh myyyyyyyy goooooooooooshhhhhhh

and he texted back,
Do you need to see a doctor? And can I play games with Troy and Daniel for a couple hours tonight?

After lying on the floor on my stomach for about a half hour the dogs started to get interested in my situation. This was comforting to me but also alarming. I started to wonder if my dogs were capable of eating my face? I imagined what that would look like. It wasn't pretty. I stood up and looked in the mirror. That wasn't pretty, either.

I slowly lugged my aching body back to bed. There I gave myself all manner of pep talks. YOU CAN DO IT and IT'LL BE OVER SOON and THIS CAN'T LAST FOREVER and MAYBE MY HUSBAND WILL TICKLE MY BACK TONIGHT? Finally around noon I realized I could feel my toes again and that possibly, with luck, I could stand up long enough to put on some mascara. Things brightened up considerably after that.

And now, I'm done with this topic. 

If anyone is ever pondering the status of my uterus, sparkly and splendid though it is, the answer is this: As To My Uterus And Possible Inhabitants Thereof, When It Happens I Promise I Will Let You Know.

Because I think otherwise I have just about covered it now.


  1. Well, as long as we are oversharing...last month I was in such agony (in the middle of the night, thanks) that I knocked the plate holding the nice-smelling candles off the back of the toilet and it smashed on the floor. I didn't realize until the morning. I know!

  2. oh clomid and the love-hate relationship it demands.

  3. I second the hot water bottle and lots of ibuprofen!

  4. I feel your pain. I used to get so sick and nauseous from mine that even though walking killed me, on the way to work, I'd have to get off the bus a couple of stops early to get some fresh air. Absolute hell. Sometimes bubble baths help.

  5. SEX, SEX, SEX; the only cure for awful, wretching, painful cramps! It works I swear, now if you can get the Holbs to participate it will help you tremendously! Here's to being a woman!!!

  6. I am trying to get pregnant also, Nat. I took Clomid for many months with the same result you are having, which is exactly why I stopped taking it. (Not to mention that it was helping any, only making my life worse.) If the pain continues, I would go to the doctor or at least call. What happened to me is that I developed a cyst (which is a side effect of the clomid), which ultimatly burst, causing the emense pain. Nothing to fear medically I don't think, just a real pain in the, well, uterus.

  7. OMG! That's kind of a scary dream to me. Especially dreaming that the blood won't stop...

    Sometimes I get pains too,but try not to concentrate on the pain much. Some hot water bottle helps too :)

  8. um, about the dog eating your face, last night, while I was bent over crying my head off holding my insides so they didn't fall out of the hypothetical hole in the middle of my aching chest.....I discovered that they will try to lick your tears...snot, etc, but they in fact DO NOT try to eat your face.

    Rest Easier with that knowledge. I've done the leg work for ya. as you have in the study of clomid.


  9. Do U remember my overshare about getting pg after 12 years? welllll, I overshared with my hairdresser, who shared with her friend, who tried it and IT WORKED! no drug needed!


  10. Hot water bottles or heating pads....but we must push through. The world goes on despite our pains. Men just don't understand...

  11. While we are oversharing - I have the very same problem right now. My cramps were so bad this morning that I threw up three times before I had to leave for classes. All I can say is take three or four ibuprofens, lay down with a hot water bottle or a hot bath, and pray for the end to come soon.

  12. Dude, I hate cramps. And last month was the worst in the history of feminine cramping is what. And want to know what else? (Of course you don't mind hearing this, I know you don't.) I get cramps for DAYS leading up to the actual event. This last time it was almost 2 weeks. 2 weeks BEFORE said period began. UGH! Guys will just never understand!

    Wow, I'm not usually so candid about such a personal thing on such a public forum; especially with someone I've never met. Alas, you opened it up, and I've been super annoyed about the state of things lately (namely, the cramps), so there you have it.

    I liked this post more than I should've, I daresay...

  13. OK! I will be the first man to comment if I must. Up until this moment, I have always felt like a guest at a party where I don't really know anyone but the atmosphere is fun and no one really notices me amongst the rest of the drunken minglers when I visit the highly acclaimed, Nat The Fat Rat. But today...Oh today I feel as though the uterine walls are closing in around me. I feel the blood rushing to my face as if I have said something overly revealing about myself at a volume that would have otherwise gone unnoticed by all had the music not just stopped at the exact moment that I said it. In other words, YIKES!

    While your cycle and the physical misfortune that it brings you is not my favorite topic of conversation, I love that you are comfy enough in your own skin to share it with us in the most eloquent of ways. Just another drop in a sea of great posts there, Nat.

  14. LOL I don't think I've ever once in my life smiled about a period, but this post totally made me laugh. I promise I'm not laughing at your pain... believe me. I used to throw up because I had such horrible pains when I was a teen. Now I've learned, thanks to an understanding nurse at the docs office, that 3-4 Ibuprofen and rest will at least make the pain bearable. No, my laughter is not for your pain... simply for your hilarious way with words. You really know how to describe a situation and even make a painful one sound funny.

    One of my favorite, funny lines this post: "I stood up and looked in the mirror. That wasn't pretty, either."

  15. "Do you need to see a doctor? And can I play games with Troy and Daniel for a couple hours tonight?" I'd gladly smack him upside the head for ya. I've been blessed never to have cramps like that--although in the summer the heat really gets to me some months during "Auntie Flo's" arrival. I think because of iron deficiency. But anyway. I had a roomate who had to take time off work EVERY month. She'd sit in front of the space heater, shivering and moaning. It was then that I realized I was indeed blessed.

  16. I am not longer visited by the monthly's....but I really enjoyed your post! So honest and really as women we all understand and have our keep it up and know that many other women are relating to what you write and it is helping them. For cramps I have a friend who makes these wonderful corn bags. You can heat them in a microwave and they stay warm for quite well and I wish I had had them from the time I first started my period at age 12 up to the last period I had....that and Aleve...thank God for Aleve. Oh and a glass of red wine. Take care and I hope the day turns better for you....

  17. I feel that way every month! It's aweful! I practically eat handfuls motrin each month for a few days.

  18. Bah poor thing! But I know the exact feeling.
    I have that every month if I don't take prescripted drugs. Other from that I don't have any good tricks that can fix it. I mean it gets to the point when I am laying on the bathroom floor sweating and freezing at the same time and trying to concentrate to breathe. If there is a real good one it will end up with me puking.
    It's sweet and nice when people come with advices like "try to ignore it, take a walk, or ever used a hot water bottle?".
    I'm sorry but every time I had that I am sure I am going to die and my husband wants to take me to the hospital. See if you can get some drugs and I hope it was just this time.

  19. This is the "awesomeness" I deal with EVERY month! I absolutely hate life at this time. Like clock work, I wake at 5 to 6am and run down stairs for a glass of water to wash half a bottle of Midol down. Wretched deal for my sisters and I. It can get so uncomfortable for us to the point we are stuck in bed with nauseousness. I was told by a couple doctors that the best help for this is having a baby. Unfortunately it's easier said then done as we have been trying for a bit now. :(

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this posting!!! Brought smiles to my face this morning! Thank you!!!

  20. WEll, I'm so sorry you are in pain! I've had cramps bad before- to where I can't move, but I don't think they were that bad...or throwing up bad :( SO I'm sorry. that has got to be sad.
    But, if you are having cramps doesn't that mean the clomid is working (I guess we will see) cause last month there was nothing?! so I hope this is it! haha.

  21. I've never had cramps this bad before. (Though one of my roommates suffered thorough them. I was less than sympathetic, though, when I came home one day to find her huddled on the couch with MY giant metal salad bowl next to her in case she needed something to puke in. Ab-sol-LUTE-ly not!!! Mop bucket--hello!!! Or at least one of YOUR own dishes!!!)

    I get spectacularly horrible ovarian cysts, though. The last one was so bad, I'd nearly pass out and could hardly walk or sit or lay down without wanting to DIE. My sincere and heartfelt sympathy to you and your own death throes.

    Out of curiosity, have you been hving any weird dreams? My sis-in-law took Clomid for awhile and said she would have the most bizarre, vivid erotic dreams--but not about her husband, or even about hot people! They always involved, like, the crusty 80-year-old patients that winked at her at her dental office. EWWWWWW. At least make them about Ryan Reynolds or something!!! Maybe if you worked as Ryan Reynolds' dental hygienist you'd have better luck...

  22. You poor thing. With cramps like that, oversharing and maintaining the "lady" status are the least of your worries. Judging from your blog, you seem perfectly ladylike to me. Take care and I hope it all comes good soon.

  23. Pain like yours resulting in one of many validations on why I needed to marry my now husband. That happened to me conveniently enough in anatomy class in college. My now husband also was in the class. I had to leave half way through, laid on the bench outside the classroom (had had driven to class that day)in LOTS of pain. Once class was over I threw up in my backpack. Yup, that was great. He was a gentleman, took me home, put me in bed and promptly went to get me a IntaJuice so I could take my two Aleve. The ONLY thing that helps me. Ahhh, what good memories.

  24. Oh yes, you just described exactly how one week of every month is for me, except I get the additional fun of throwing up anything in my stomach. Totally sucks. (LOL - once I had sipped on some V8 splash on the way to class, and I threw up in the parking lot on fresh show before class started - my puke was bright red, I was convinced I was puking blood and my period really was killing me!) I can tell you that heat, like a heating pad/hot water bottle and Advil works. Unfortunately, my body has decided that Advil's new formula is not good enough, and my stomach revolted...which landed me in the E.R. So, I take Aleve now, which does work, thank goodness.

    Good luck!

  25. I trust from reading all these comments you realize that you weren't oversharing at all! For those of us who have experienced the horrendous cramping, knowing we're not alone really is theraputic. I mean, intellectually I know I'm not the only one who's ever had "want to die" cramps, but it still made me feel better to read your posting & the comments that followed!

    I went thru the awfulness in jr high & HS, missed a day every couple months at least. Then in college they went away for many years, only to return when i was in my late 20's, along with some other lovely side effects that made me wish only to sleep for a week while my body tried to kill me. Thankfully, they mostly have gone away again recently. The other side effects pop up more often. : ( My only solution is ibuprofin & prayer.

    I hope you get to feeling 100% again soon!!

  26. Girl. I want to just give you a big hug. But if you're anything like me, when it gets that bad, it's like please DO NOT touch me. So how about I make you some hot tea. It won't help, but at least it's kind of comforting.

    Overshare your little heart out. And kudos to you for writing about such complete agony with such eloquence. You definitely maintained the ladyness. I once came thisclose to blacking out in Barnes & Noble because mine got so bad. Ain't nothing ladylike about nearly knocking yourself out on the Fiction Bestsellers table. Ugh.

    This will all be worth it one day sweet Fat Rat. Can't wait to see the pics of your fat, little baby rat when it's time. :)

  27. Your dogs would never eat your face. Barnaby might briefly consider it but he would think better of it and give you a lick instead.

  28. Well said John. Bless you Nat. And I thought Apocalypto was rough.

  29. There's so much estrogen in this blog/these comments I could literally have a baby right here. But I hope not. I'm sort of an infant myself.

    Sending positive pregnant vibes your way. You'll get that baby soon enough, I promise. Until then, maybe use all the motherly instincts the universe blessed you with in another way? I know you do a lot with the church, but maybe some volunteering elsewhere would help too. A nursing home, maybe a Mother's Day Out somewhere? Being a mother is indeed a very special unique thing, but I feel like maybe you're destined until then to mother some other projects.

    And don't be too hard on the Holbs. Until he grows a uterus that catches fire and fills with broken glass for about a week out of every month, there's really no way for him to know the kind of pain involved in being a woman. That said, any emotional outbursts/catty remarks are TOTALLY allowed, because I mean, screw men. Screw men and their stupid penises.

    Been reading your blog for a while. I think my mom does too. You're adorable!

  30. Do you chart your cycle? I've been trying to get pregnant the same amount of time you have and believe me I feel your pain. I use fertility friend to keep up with my charts and somehow I find comfort in that. It makes me feel better to know whats going on with my body.

  31. Hello Nat. You may not be into these, but I love your blog, and after receiving my first award, I have to recognize your site. Please find the award at

    I feel your pain with regard to clomid and the what-ifs...fingers crossed for you!

  32. Initial response... "I have no response to that."

    Secondary response... I feel like I've just watched a film in Health class in High School. Stuff I probably needed to know, though I may not have WANTED to know.

    Final response... You've got some MOXIE, Little Lady... miles and miles of moxie. Nicely done!

  33. Here's the dealio. If you stop talking about it we all know you'll be in pain and not know when to pray. You are robbing us of the chance to pray for you. Just joking. How bout we pray regardless of how much or little you share and you know that we are here for you if you want to share, over share, or keep your tidbits to yourself. We just are glad you are here.


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