8.02.2012

AND SUDDENLY HE'S ALMOST TWO...


we've been fighting the nap time battle pretty hard at our house. oh, huck. he inherited both his parents' stubbornness and has to run himself dead into the ground before he'll agree to go down for a nap. and then he only wants to sleep on me. mom's arms or nothing doing. so we've been spending lots of time these days just the two of us, snuggled up on the couch together in the late afternoons.

i've been asking myself "now what?" a lot this week. it doesn't look like the clomid is working. oh bother. three cycles in and i've been dutifully taking my pills, putting myself through hell, but my luteal phase deficiency stubbornly refuses to budge. my body is just not in the mood for getting pregnant right now. i'm at a loss, and i'm angry, and i'm sad, and if i'm being very honest, i'm afraid too. i'm afraid i'll start to feel bitter. i'm afraid of having to go through invasive procedures, because of the money. i'm afraid of being ready to take the financial plunge when brandon isn't yet. i'm afraid of feeling desperate. i'm probably one of the few people on this planet who is afraid of feeling something that hasn't come yet, and which might not even be all that scary of a feeling once i get there. 

so i've been doing my best to enjoy the last of henny's littleness. as frustrating as it might sometimes feel to be trapped under a sleeping toddler when there are things that need to be done, i have decided that this is far more important. if i can't get a baby the minute i want to get a baby, at least i can focus on this baby, and on those impossibly chubby spun sugar cheeks he's still got. i

so let's fight it together, huck. you and me against time. against the whole world. 
you and me, we'll keep fighting.


p.s. 


huck at 20 months || huck at four days old
now that's a recipe for a broken heart right there.

90 comments :

  1. My littlest fell asleep every night on my lap until she was nearly 5. I allowed it because she's my last baby and I want her to stay wee forever.. They're small for such a short time.

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  2. Praying for you, girl.

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  3. The other day I was going through pictures and found one of my little guy at two weeks. My sister was playing legos with him and his big brother on the floor and looked up to see me crying. He'll be two this month and seems to fight being my baby more and more everyday. Both are growing up so quickly.
    Sorry your medication isn't working as it should. Hope you guys figure out something and that your family grows soon. In the meantime cherish every moment with Huck.

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  4. Such a touching post. Hang in there, you're doing your best. Keep loving that little Huck. he's so adorable. I'm sure he's loving that you're letting him sleep on you. :-)

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  5. Oh they do grow up so fast... I'm aching for you and the hard times you've had, but your first little miracle is almost two. There will be another, whatever it takes... and it will all be more than worth it in the end.

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  6. Prayers from me, for you.

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  7. I'm a huge fan of the candid approach you take to your writing. I won't pretend to know what you're going through but I'll definitely be praying for you (as much as is approp for a net rando to do) and that Huck gets to be a big brother soon. I hate cliches like "God works in mysterious ways" but hopefully this is the case for you guys.

    keep up the stellar blogging

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  8. My heart breaks just reading this. Its incredible what we go through for our little ones (will they ever really know?;)) I pray the solutions come to you soon, and know that your story will encourage others -even if that is the only purpose of the suffering it is worth it! There are many women (some dear friends included) who are going through a very similar feat.
    By the way, your little man is adorable:)

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  9. I'd been hoping that you were secretly pregnant and waiting to tell us. Not just because I want you to have another adorable baby (because, obvs, I do), but also because I don't want you go have to go through the recurring heartbreak. I know there is nothing I can say to make any of this easier. But just know there there are lots of warm/hopeful thoughts being sent your way. hang in there. and enjoy that sweet, squooshy baby napping in your arms.

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  10. Right there with you. Oh how I wish sometimes that babies would come when we want them to come. But thank goodness for modern medicine! Three of my kids wouldn't be here without it. Sending prayers your way.

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  11. Nat, thank you for sharing. I just love your writing!

    My older son is turning 10 (the dreaded double digits!!!) in less than a week now and my younger son is getting ready to start his second year of preschool. It is kind of freaking me out how fast they grow up! As I've found myself getting a bit weepy here and there, it has helped me to remember that I will always be their mom, no matter what age they are. And I am awfully grateful that I am the woman who gets to have that honor. They are amazing little men. Sometimes it is hard to see them grow up so fast, but at least my husband and I get to be the ones blessed to be there every step of the way with them. Like you, I try to remind myself to just enjoy the present with my sweet little family.

    Life is good!

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    1. P.S. My 4-year old still has some of his chubby baby cheeks left. So those don't always go away too fast. Thank goodness! I sure do love kissing them. I hope Huck's stay around for you, too. :)

      And I'm sure things will work out for you. We haven't had the same challenges that you have had. But when my husband got sick several years ago, I didn't know if we would have another child after our first. However, everything worked out, my husband's health improved tremendously, and we now have 2 awesome boys. Maybe not exactly in the time frame we would have expected, but they are here and we have a wonderful life together.

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  12. Oh goodness - I'm sorry you have to go through this. You are such a great mother to Huck, and he is one lucky little boy. So it seems terribly unfair that you have to fight so hard and wait so long to meet you next one. Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you lots of luck in this journey.

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  13. "i'm probably one of the few people on this planet who is afraid of feeling something that hasn't come yet, and which might not even be all that scary of a feeling once i get there. and right now i'm quaking."

    I'm one of the few too then I suppose. I totally get this.

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

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  14. Hi Nat,

    I encourage to try acupuncture or to seek out the advice of naturopath/ functional medicine practitioner.

    Working with the body works wonders in terms of fertility.

    Also, it's good to see that you eat red meat and that you are not afraid of (ice) cream.

    Contrary to popular medical advice, saturated fats are protective, healing, and a important part of staying fertile. Of course, if these are from a grass-fed source, all the better.

    Wishing you the best.
    megan.riddle@gmail.com

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  15. oh natalie i'm so sorry. perhaps a few more months might do the trick. and maybe by then you and brandon will have come up with a plan on the financial terms of the next step. either way i'm rooting for you, and i hope something gives soon. i'm sure this is so defeating to go through all over again, so know that you have your support.

    finally - those last two pictures seem like a recipe for a full heart to me. a very full heart. huck is the best.

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  16. Although it may be hard to focus on, know that God is in control. He has a perfect timing for your life and he knows better than you. He knows better than any of us. Be thankful that you have your son and focus on him. If you're meant to have another baby it will happen at the perfect moment! My friend lost three babies to a horrible disease- be thankful Huck is healthy!

    Your family is beautiful and a baby will come your way at a perfect time!!!

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  17. I'm so sorry. All's not lost yet...give it a little more time. Don't despair yet. You know all about waiting and trusting. Maybe this is another time for God to teach you. Which I know is all holy and annoying, but maybe true.

    And you won't be bitter if HUAC is the only one you have. We chose not to have any more because my heart condition got worse after we had our son. For a long time I was heartbroken and yes, a little bitter too. But slowly, I learned to just be enormously grateful for the child I'd been given rather than mourn the child I never had. And the bitterness went away. The sadness doesn't always go away, but the bitterness is gone, and I'll take that.

    And yes...those photos of tiny baby Huck. The recipe for a heart of gladness. Hang in there.

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  18. "My struggle to trust my body's ability to labor mirrored my struggle to trust my body's ability to conceive. In the end, I didn't really do it all on my own; nobody ever does. But I felt it all, like I always do. And my stubborn body rejected all of my efforts to assist it, like it always does.

    In the end, it all fell between me and my God. And we made it work. And what we made was glorious." - Natalie Holbrook 11/7/10

    Natalie, you can do it again. You will do it again. Have faith in yourself!!

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  19. You know, for the past few years, all I've wanted was a baby boy named Henry. I still don't have him, but I'm glad that you have yours. He's beautiful. And he loves his mama.

    john 14:27

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  20. if it helps a tiny bit, my son is five, and even though he's starting kindergarten in a few weeks (AHHH!), his cheeks are still perfectly soft and kissable. :)

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  21. This seems like a no brainer that you must have already read this book since it's pretty widely known, and you spent a long time looking and searching for answers the first time, but if you haven't read (or haven't read it for many years) 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility' the author talks about some options for Short Luteal Phases besides clomid (although she mentions clomid). Good luck as you go forward, you and your writing are beautiful. You got this, even if it takes patience and/or money. Prayin' for ya.

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  22. Hang in there, Natalie. I'm sending warm thoughts your way and hope you are successful in welcoming another babe in the future very soon :) You seem like an amazing mom and I love your honest writing style. This post almost made me tear up. Love your blog!

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  23. Wishing you peace Natalie. My son Connor is 8 months and I am already yearning for another babe that won't ever be. It took us 4 years to conceive my son and I'm pushing 38. The cards are not in my favour. And you are not alone in feeling anxious for things that aren't happening yet.... unfortunately that's called ttcing the hard way.

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  24. Hi Nat,
    I know that you're supposed to never,ever say anything like 'have you tried?' in these situations
    BUT
    have you tried The Fertility Diet?
    I know that it has some really dramatic effects on some people where they're not conceiving due to hormone issues, or lack of ovulation.
    Apparently one requirement is eliminating trans fats from the diet.
    Hey, you could give it a go and write one of your fab babble blog posts about following it ;) :)

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  25. You are such a fun writer! Huck is just so adorable! Sending you good pregnancy vibes!!

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  26. So sorry that you're struggling. Can't help but offer advice based on my own experience. I took progesterone for my LPD, and also did acupuncture, yoga, supplements, diet, and it finally worked to get pregnant with my 2nd. So, you might want consider a more "holistic" approach. Oh, and I have a friend who struggled and finally got pregnant when she stopped nursing - but you and Huck need to do that on your own time. In the meantime, enjoy that sweet little chubby boy and know that things will work out for you when the time is right.

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  27. I did acupuncture...it was the trick for the 3rd round of IVF. Every once in a great while you run across a company that actually offers insurance coverage for fertility. You probably already checked your insurance if you're doing the clomid...and try and enjoy the growing up...it is the goal of all the parenting really...You'll get there. Nothing easy about making babies for some of us.

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  28. I had a miscarriage several months ago and my body just won't get back to normal. I try my hardest to enjoy my sweet girl (she's 4 1/2!), but it can definitely be hard. Like, you know you should appreciate what you have, but you still want that baby. I hope gobbling up huck's babyhood helps soothe your heart. In the meanwhile, come on bodies! Let's get kickin'!

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  29. Time flies...cherish every moment!

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  30. But see, when I snuggle my almost eight year old I can still find the baby in her. I have to look a little harder than I used to. Harder than I have to look to find the baby in my five year old. He's a baby again every time a lay down beside him. Babyhood is not a cut and dry thing. There is no definite end. You mourn the bits of it as they fade, but in my experience so far there has always been enough baby left to assuage my heartache when the tough times come.

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  31. i just wanna hug the both of ya.

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  32. lovely, lovely post. i hope there is another baby out there for you somewhere. in any case, just keep loving on that sweet baby...he is very much still a baby :)

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  33. covering you in prayer. been through it myself and it's the worst roller-coaster ever. the ups, the downs, the pain....praying daily for you, girl!

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  34. oh gosh, i hope you keep on fighting! i know that everything will come your way, as long as you look at things with an open heart, mind and spirit. pray that you may let yourself see everything clearly. you are a rockin' mama. and huck is going to be obsessed with you for as long as he can. enjoy it!
    thank you for always just being so honest and open ;)
    xo TJ

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  35. Ugh... this makes my heart hurt. I did the invasive procedures... 4 of them (none of them worked for me). And yes, it's hard when you're ready for the finances but your husband isn't. Been there, and it's hard, you feel torn. It is a battle, emotional, and I'm so sorry. Praying for you so so much; I wish no one had to feel this way.

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  36. (and when everyone tells you what worked for them and what you NEED to be doing/trying... just nod and do what is best for you. No one knows your exact situation, every body is different, and it's frustrating when people "have the answer" but its not your answer.)

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  37. At age two they are still very much a baby. Not like they were during the first and second years but trust me you have plenty of time left to hug and cuddle and kiss and nurture him.

    I understand that poignant ache...my baby is 16 now and man-like. Oh, the ache.

    Remember it took you three years (I know you do!) to conceive and you were so frustrated and afraid you would never ever have a baby? After you were finally pregnant you wrote that you NEVER GAVE UP, you were always yearning and "fighting for it". So, three months on Clomid isn't so long.

    Listen, while I would have loved to have been pregnant and given birth, I really just wanted children and a family more than anything. I guess I always knew I would adopt my children and so, I did. We did. I preferred to put my money toward a sure thing rather than a very expensive gamble (on an IVF cycle, for instance). I could not have borne it if I'd shelled out the cost for that and nothing happened. I was far happier putting it toward our adoption. I have three great kids - two from Korea and one from China. My precious son is 16, my daughter is (gulp!) 15 next week, and our youngest is 10. If you ever want to chat about adoption drop me a line. And also - who says you won't give birth after an adoption? It happens. (And I'm NOT saying 'oh, look what happens! as soon as you 'relaxed' and adopted,you got pregnant! gawd, i hate that.) Your body has given birth once, and it took a while...so it most likely will, again. But you can grow your family in the meantime! Just sayin' :-)

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  38. Oh, this made me cry a little. I will certainly say a prayer for you to be blessed with another baby. It certainly seems that for all the children brought into the world you certainly ought to have two, and that second child would be so lucky : )

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  39. i've taken a break from blogging for about a week. i found myself not missing any of my regular reads.....except for this one. thanks for always sharing and being so transparent. and also for being my editor in chief and email friend. :)

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  40. oh you've made me cry- I've been holding on to my baby's babyhood- she just turned five and she still has bits of babyness- I can't stand to let it end.

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  41. the good news is, i did't lose my baby cheeks until about 12. so, here's hoping.

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  42. I've been thinking a lot about these being the last few months of my little Jude's babyhood and it makes me really sad too :-/. I feel like people told me it would go really fast--but I thought they were talking about the next 18-years, not how quickly he would from from baby to boy. I want to hold onto it for as long as possible too. I do my best to put him first and that when I'm putting my makeup on and he brings me a book to read to him, that the makeup can wait. Thanks do much for this beautiful article :)

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  43. So I have a really great friend who has had to use clomid with each of her pregnancy; all three. Coincidence perhaps, but all her babies were born in November. That means all three time she got pregnant in the same month. Hang in there! Plus the best is yet to come with Huck; they just get better with age:)

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  44. Praying for you, me and everybody else that struggles with the big IF.

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  45. you are definitely right about those last two pics :( *hugs*

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  46. My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry. I've felt just this way for over four years - my boy is 5. I'm praying for you, and hoping you don't have to wait long. I don't think you will. Hang in there. As if you had a choice, right?

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  47. I have so been there. Struggled to get pregnant the first time (a year and half). Thought the second time would be easier. NOPE. Harder. It sucks and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Maybe it's time to move to the suburbs here in Connecticut? ;) They passed a law that requires most insurance plans to cover infertility treatments, including IVF. All I know is that I was living in California looking at paying $$ for treatment, and then we moved to Connecticut and my IVF cycle was covered 100% (and this was with the same employer & insurance provider).

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  48. I love this post. You're a beautiful writer & I cannot agree more with the "emptying" thought of children growing up. I am a nanny & an aunt and my goodness, it pains me watching these babes grow so fast! I can't even imagine what it's like with your own babies...someday I'll know, but it breaks my heart to even think it! I wish I could bottle this time up and revisit it again and again when they are older.

    Sending positive vibes your way. Big love

    xo

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  49. Snuggle that baby up! I always think my 2 year old looks so grown up, yet when I look back on photos of him from even a few months ago, I think "oh! He was such a baby then!" It's cliche, but they do grow so fast. I am sending good baby-making vibes your way. Beautiful post.

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  50. So sweetly put. Oh how I love their babydom. My Henry just turned two...and he's just the sweetest little peanut of all time. Soak it up, my friend. Soak. It. Up. But....I will say, my oldest is almost 5, and I am still soaking him up. It is still amazing, still fun, and he's still adorable and squeezable, even though he's now a little stick man with zero body fat and plays the violin like he's 10. Having little boys is the very best thing, isn't it?

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  51. Have you tried taking ovidrel injections? I used to do two injections, one to make me ovulate and the second a week later to extend my luteal phase. I tried just chlomid and it didn't extend the phase one bit, but then I tried chlomid and then one shot...and that didn't do the trick either. Two lengthened it pretty well though. Also, there are always progestrone pills you can take that will work sometimes too. Hopefully that helps! I know it's really hard to remember, but things always work out for the best and babies come at the very right time.

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  52. p.s. I didn't actually need the ovidrel to ovulate, I was doing that, just too late of course, so you can use it even if you do ovulate, it just helped me ovulate sooner than I normally would (but my doctor made sure the egg/eggs were ready first of course) and thereby attempting to make my luteal phase longer. Anywho, just a suggestion.

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  53. She's gonna come in her own time that little baby soul that is yours, just like Huck did. I know its easy for me to say don't dispair when I'm not in your situation but u concentrate on your Huck and let God take care of the rest. *I say 'she' because I truly believe your next will be a girl, besides, if anyone deserves a cute little pigeon pair of babies its you!

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  54. You are amazing Natalie, a rare diamond of a mom and your little baby is the lucky one to have been borne of you and have you as his guide, supporter and protector for every one of his days.

    You say that raising him has been your dream come true. How lucky we are if we can look back on our lives and say our one biggest dream came true? It's no mean feat to achieve that. I struggled to conceive my child who has just turned two - like you, having her made my life complete. As much as I would love her to have a sibling, I just don't know if it's written for me. Maybe she was a one-off. I believe very strongly in fate, everything happens for a reason, whether you can see it at the time or only on reflection. I so hope you have more children, I think you know deep down there is another waiting for you, somewhere. Keep looking!

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  55. I was always afraid every time I realized something more intense was required to get me pregnant. I was afraid because I knew we were getting closer and closer to the point where doctors and medicine couldn't help us any more, and I was terrified of reaching that point and thinking, "what next?" and not having an answer. I'm so sad this is something you're having to go through in your life. I hope it ends quickly and you're blessed with another chubby, squishy baby!

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  56. am i a softy if i cried through your post?? Stay little Huck!!! My 14 month old breaks my heart daily as i watch him grow:( Love your blog and posts Nat.

    somethingus.blogspot.com

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  57. Oh the sorrow of moms. My kiddo is almost 15 months old and already fights against being held and cuddled as he'd prefer to be running around.

    I'm so sorry for your struggles to conceive and will be keeping you in my prayers!

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  58. Sweet 4 day old picture. This post is so moving. I really hope that God grants you the desires of your heart.

    www.highheelstosneakers.com

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  59. It's funny, we don't know each other at all but I completely relate. I went through a gazillion rounds of clomid (along with a failed IUI attempt), it does nothing for me...just makes me dizzy. I too felt ready to take on the financial investment for baby #2, but my hubbie is not ready for that. So now I'm trying accupuncture, along with chinese herbs and yoga. I'd really like to try that in conjunction with IVF. Now to convince the hub-unit! And yes, enjoy those snuggly nap moments while they last. I'm happy to report though that my 3 year old son still loves a good snug.

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  60. Beautiful post. You made me cry again! My little guy is 18 months old and I'm torn between wanting a second one and trying to soak up every second I can get with him while he's still my itty bitty. Motherhood is so bittersweet. Anyway, I love reading your postings on Huck, they make me think of my own little one. Makes me smile, especially while I'm sitting here at work missing him! Keep the faith, Nat. :)

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  61. Hi Natalie, I've never commented before but this post touched me. I had the same feelings about a year ago, when my son was nearing two. We'd been trying again since he was one year and I'd been through three early miscarriages. I had some hormonal issues and we tried Femara. It worked for me on the second try (just had my second son in late May). Just wanted to suggest asking your doc about Femara since it is relatively inexpensive and I've known people who responded to it rather than to Clomid. It's not approved by the FDA for fertility but you know, when you're putting drugs into your system anyway, what the heck (and it is used by many REs across the country). I truly hope that you get out of the muck and uck and awfulness that is wanting more than anything to be pregnant while everyone around you is (at least it always seemed that way to me!) Best to you.

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  62. i remember my mom saying when my first little was a baby... "don't go wishing this time away..." either through nostalgia for something past or by focusing on an unknown future. this, here, right now is what you have. and this, here, right now is pretty amazing. xoxo

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  63. I'm right there with ya, Nat, except my mister and I are trying for our first.
    There's gotta be some kind of comfort in common ground.
    So, since we're in the same boat, let's battle this shit together!

    Have a great weekend with that sweet Huck :)

    xoxo
    Sarai

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  64. This post touched me not only because I have been wanting to try for years and my man is only now just coming on board but because you are so not alone in that feeling of being scared of how you will feel about something in the future. I so often feel this way. I'm scared of how I will feel if I can't get pregnant. Then what? I'm scared of how sad I'll feel when people die (even though nothing has ever happened to them). I'm scared of how I'll feel if if if. It is a HORRIBLE feeling and I can totally relate. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone!
    Heidi
    www.therusticmodernist.com

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  65. Forgive me if I'm out of line here but I was thinking about your tweet ref people saying you shouldn't be nursing at 2 years. You can nurse forever if that's what you and Huck want to do, but it occurred to me that it can be hard/impossible to conceive if you're nursing. I wonder if that's why the Clomid isn't working.

    I don't mean to speak out of turn, but it would bother me enormously if I hadn't suggested it to you.

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  66. My first post after following since, well, before Huck was a speck! As others have said, please try hard to feel positive right now: Positive that you have this beautiful, healthy little guy. Positive that your hub is out of school and on his way up. Positive that you are young and healthy and in a good, solid relationship. Nat, even if you don't conceive again, you and your husband will feel true joy raising your boy and you will be grateful for being a mother--even once. Relax and enjoy those cheeks without reservation.

    Oh, and enjoy his little legs. They get skinny and hairy way too soon :)

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  67. Huck is going to be learning and talking a mile a minute soon! Don't fret about a baby. Enjoy this time alone with your son... teaching him all that there is to know about the world around him <3

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  68. I know you have way more advice than you need, but I did have two thoughts when I read your post (as I glance at that top picture where I can see your nursing bra as well as the ribs in your chest): 1. Like a previous commenter, I'm wondering if the fact that you're still nursing Huck is contributing to your difficulty. I know you *can* get pregnant while you're nursing. In general. But when you're already extremely small, and you're still expending calories through nursing, your body just may not have the resources to sustain a pregnancy as well. Our bodies are smart. If conditions are too stressful (i.e. not enough nourishment), they won't do the right things for a pregnancy to occur.

    2. Along those lines, it reminded me of this article I saw linked, about women being too thin to get pregnant (even without the added drain of nursing): http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/too-thin-to-conceive-women-warned-2373894.html

    I know you talk about eating treats a lot. . .but if you eat them as much as you indicate, then you clearly have a crazy fast metabolism, and you probably need more calories than you realize to both nurse and get pregnant at the same time. Is it a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, diet coke for lunch, treats for the mid-afternoon hungries, and then something real for dinner? If so, you really might want to re-evaluate how much you really need to be eating. Not through the eyes of an enviably thin college girl, but through the eyes of a mama hoping to sustain 3 lives with her body. Like, a couple of eggs, whole grain bread, and fruit for breakfast; for lunch a big salad full of veggies, good fats like avocado and olive oil, and quinoa or brown rice; a piece of fruit and a couple of handfuls of nuts in the afternoon; and a real dinner with all those same things: protein, good fats, whole grains or other source of carbs (like squash or sweet potatoes), and plenty of veggies. Oh and, uh, I hate to say it, but no diet coke?

    I know that's more advice than anyone would ever want. But several commenters have suggested getting advice from more wholistic disciplines, and this nutrition stuff is a big part of what they would get you doing immediately. I hope you don't take this all the wrong way, I really do hope the best for you. I know that wanting a baby and not being able to do it, for whatever reason, is one of the worst pains a woman can experience.

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  69. The way I see it there are two options. The take control option: Spend the $$$ and quit obsessing over getting pregnant. I mean that in the nicest possible way because I know how it feels. Someday when Holbs is making the big lawyer bucks and you're too old to have more babies, you'll wish you had just done it.
    The accept what is option: be patient and make peace with the fact that it may take another year or two before your body cooperates. As much as you may have wanted two babies in diapers, someday you might be glad they are more spaced apart.

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  70. oh natalie, i don't know what to say but at the same time i couldn't not comment--great hey!

    what will be will be and i believe it will all work out for you and before you know it there will be another baby in your arms.

    love your honesty as always and the adorable photos of huck sleeping.

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  71. I cried reading this, my precious IVF baby boy just turned 1. I too feel so much pressure to soak up every minute of his babyhood, not knowing if there will be another babe. Not that anyone really does, but those of us who waited for that first baby do not forget that wait.

    I wasn't going to comment until I saw some of what was written. I know people mean well, but if they haven't walked the infertility walk they don't realize that well-meaning comnments can be hurtful (telling someone to relax somehow implies that not being relaxed causes infertility, which isn't true anymore than breastfeeding preventing pregnancy). And, unfortunately, spending money on fertility treatments is never a guarantee - a lot of people think that in order to have a baby you only have to sign up for IVF and *poof* - you get a baby. It doesn't work that way.

    Small consolation that it is, I think what you feel is normal because I feel it too. And I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  72. I haven't looked at the previous comments, so someone may have mentioned this, but have you heard of Lunarception? It's using the cycles of the moon to help regulate your cycles, and it's been proven to get women's cycles (and luteal phases) to a normal length. I know it sounds SO kooky, but it's worth a shot while you process your next step...and it's free!
    Looking forward to news of baby #2 on the way, and the graceful way you handle the waiting.

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  73. natalie! of all the comments that you read, i need you to read this one! i was at dinner with the mil and fil the other night (applebee's to be exact) and when i went to use the bathroom they were blasting ace of base "all that she wants" ...is another baby.. and the first thing i thought was NATTHEFATRAT! it's like the song was made for you, but just that line, not the rest of the song! have you listened to it recently? go listen to it and be happy (:

    i know times are tough when all that you want is a dang baby and your bod just won't cooperate. you are tough as an old leather boot and you can do anything!

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  74. Natalie my son is 15months I know how you feel. My heart hurts everyday. I just want him to stay my sweet little baby boy. But I know he needs to grow up.. But deep in our mommy hearts we know it will be ok

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  75. I don't have more advice on the fertility front ( I saw so many good ideas here on the comments!)--

    but I so feel for you and am right there with you on the worrying about things that haven't happened and may-never-happen front. Anxiety is an evil beast. You hang in there girl. I'm pulling for ya bigtime.

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  76. ugh. i just hate this. SO MUCH. i can not even imagine the anger and hurt and fear and bitterness that I would feel. I would be so upset every single month. and its almost like the hope is what makes it so much more unbearable. I'm just so so so sorry. and huck is just the absolute cutest. I just wrote the same kind of post on emotional prep and then my babies growing up. without me even fully seeing it they have morphed into kids and its just the most heartbreaking and fun and exciting and unbearable thing at the same time. you are such an encouragement to everyone who reads.

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  77. Waiting sucks. Period the end. Even with the knowledge the gospel brings, it does not take away from the pain of infertility. My sister is always so quick to critique my parenting techniques (mainly holding/rocking my babies to sleep) but she does not know what infertility or what the loss of a baby even tastes like. I hope she would feel differently if she did. I worry I will never have another baby to love and cuddle to sleep, and my "baby" is almost 22 months. :( Because even if I get pregnant again (which after just a mere two cycles of TTC, I said goodbye to that and focused on getting healthy and losing a bit of weight) if I will even be able to have the baby moments, as we lost our first and second to different birth defects, one of which is genetic. So can I go through the nine months again, only to bury a third baby? The thought of losing a third breaks my heart all over again. So for the next year, I will focus on losing weight, and waiting to start TTC until then. I will fill my time enjoying my almost 4 year old adopted son and our nearly 2 year old miracle.

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  78. I'm sorry. I feel your pain, Clomid worked for my first, but after two long years of trying Clomid, and then IUI, the forth cycle worked putting my first two 4 years apart. Now I would like another one, but the disspointment of failed proceedures are hard to take.

    I'm sure you have looked into your options, but my doctor gives me shots of HMG to increase my egg production, then a shot of HCG to release the eggs, followed up with IUI to help increase my chances, and even though it still costs $1400 a time, it's a lot less than IVF. Just an idea to look into.

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  79. Those cheeks stay chubby a lot longer than you would think..I keep thinking any day my little man will be just that ---a man. But he's nine and still snuggles (when no one is looking). Take comfort in the fact that they stay your babies beyond the diaper phase...

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  80. I have been dutifully reading your blog since Huck was a chubby little baby (and back-read your blog through all the posts about wanting a baby), and he's grown into such a cute, bigger baby. Being pregnant with a little boy myself, I wish I could share my fertility with you. I really, really wish I could. I know I don't know you personally, but I feel like I do, and I love you like one of my best friends, because I feel like we're bosom buddies.

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  81. I love this. I too feel trapped under a sleeping baby when the bed is the last place he wants to be and my arms are the only place. But why am I complaining when only a few short months ago I wanted him here so badly I literally couldn't focus on anything else? Thanks for the reality check!!

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  82. Your baby's body may seem like a bit of a mystery to you. Myoril Online Get advice on taking care of your baby, from how to soothe him with infant massage to fighting a flaky scalp and helping his belly button area heal.

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  83. this post is the sweetest thing ever. my baby boy is 18 months old and i could completely relate to your sadness about his little baby traits slowly fading. i wish our little guy would fall asleep on me ... enjoy...

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  84. I really needed to read this tonight. To be reminded that there are others going through the same struggles, who share the same feelings.
    I only recently started reading your blog, but I am so glad to have found it. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts in this space :)

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  85. I really needed to read this tonight. To be reminded that there are others going through the same struggles, who share the same feelings.
    I only recently started reading your blog, but I am so glad to have found it. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts in this space :)

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  86. I really needed to stumble upon this. I'm going through the more invasive procedures right now and it is no fun. I did clomid, iuis and now on to ivf, which by the way i said I would never do. It is so hard when you have no control over your body. And the money thing, I get. but when it comes to the right time you will know, to take the plunge or not. You are so blessed to have the little one you have now. Stay positive and turn it over. It's hard but God won't let you down. Promise.

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