over the years that huck + i have nursed i've taken a lot of quick photos to document it. i know that may seem weird, but i wanted a visual reminder of what a wonderful blessing nursing was in my life. i'd like to share a few of the more "subtle" of them here with you in this post. because i am not at all squeamish about nursing boobs, and i hope that none of you are, either. :)three years ago, on a wednesday in mid february, i found out i was pregnant.
almost exactly three years to the day later i nursed that baby to sleep for the very last time.
he was ready.
i was not.
i really, really like nursing. and i did not want to wean. though i suppose two and a half is a pretty decent time to stop, if you have to. so why has this been so hard for me?
nursing this baby has been, in the thirty years i've been alive, my favorite thing i've ever done. not the best, not the most impressive--i mean, come on i do have ambitions outside of being a mother (and i'm sure potty training will feel like quite the braggable feat)--but my very most favorite, and such an honor. i have loved these years as a nursing mother. i am so horribly sad to see it end.
a part of me is in mourning.
when i think about our last nurse together, in the quiet of his dark bedroom while i stroked his hair and hummed our favorite song, still an entire week later, it makes me want to cry.
i wasn't ready. i wasn't ready.
i wasn't ready. i wasn't ready.
i would have happily nursed indefinitely. huge fan of extended breastfeeding here. had it not been for this damn body of mine, and the fact that getting pregnant might take some real big guns this time around, i'd happily have nursed for forever.
and that huck, he's all big boy now. since we stopped nursing, he has thrived. he was ready. i'm proud of myself for seeing the signs and letting it happen.
why do i miss it? isn't this backwards? shouldn't i be so happy that it's over? aren't most women? i'm hoping all this really means that i'm not supposed to be finished with nursing yet.
so therein lies the trick. i am weaning for another baby. a baby i believe is coming . . . eventually. a hopefully-soon baby. i am stopping out of faith that in stopping there will come another beginning.
it's been so hard for me to remember that. especially when i'm sitting here missing the nursing and feeling sort of a little sorry for myself.
so, weaning. it turns out we women are our own worst enemies and we don't talk about this stuff with each other nearly often enough and so i'm going to talk about it. because weaning su-u-ucks.
weaning feels like the first trimester of pregnancy all over again. we're talking mood swings. mood mother effing SWINGS. and engorgement. oh holy boobs of fire.
other common side effects of weaning: hot flashes, night sweats, bloating (bloating, i got the bloating), head aches, light nausea, irritability, engorgement leading to possible mastitis...
isn't this fun? let's all wean every day!
this craving for the weight of a baby in my arms as we nurse, this is a good thing. this is that time in my life, and i am working in that direction.
it's like taking a leap before knowing whether or not there's something to land on.
it's like that scene in indiana jones and the last crusade. i mean, not to be overly dramatic about it or anything.
most nights, after henry falls asleep without needing to nurse, i start to feel real sorry for myself. i'm being so silly about it, i know that. but i don't know when i'll get to nurse a baby again, it's this big unknown. and so in a way it feels a little bit like something i loved was torn from me.
i wasn't ready, i wasn't ready.
but the thing is. i am ready.
i am ready. and now, i am one step closer.