9.27.2012

A EULOGY FOR A DRAGON FLY

the other afternoon a friend stopped by the apartment to use my gel manicure lamp and tell me all about the interesting things in her life and also to share some sprinkles cupcakes she'd picked up on her way over.

i was doing that classic mom maneuver, where you shout out "i'm listening!" while chasing down your toddler and fetching snacks and wiping whole bunches of smeared champagne grapes off the floor.

it was during one such "i'm listening!"that i stepped into the bedroom and shrieked. ooh it was blood curdling, you'd have been impressed. i shrieked because there was an entire dead person on my bed. 


a dead dragon fly person.

it was so big! and SO DEAD. and all sprawled out in such a pathetic way, like it was the victim of some horrible homicide with part of its wing broken off, and not to mention it's head was HUGE, almost the size of mine and honestly this is no exaggeration, i was completely terrified of it. i was absolutely freaked. it was probably the most frightening thing i had ever seen, ever. 

i squealed and wiggled my fingers in the air and shuddered from head to toe and then it only got worse when i realized it was dead RIGHT WHERE I HAD JUST BEEN LYING NOT AN HOUR EARLIER NURSING MY BABY.

i was the kind of squicked out i usually only get around those mosquito hawk things because you just know those guys have no control over where they are flying. 

i am sorry for that link, by the way.

so obviously my first inclination was to take a photo of it and put it on instagram. 

once that was done (check!), then i had to fret over what on EARTH to do with the body.

the enormity of its enormous body was such that i couldn't just pick the thing up and drop it in the toilet.... i mean, it would dangle

so, ohhhhh goooooshhhh.

so the next obvious thing to do was to text the photo to brandon. 

i found this on the bed! right where i was laying! I WAS LAYING ON IT!

i mean, the horribleness and the awfulness of it will never actually be forgotten.
(name that movie please.)

brandon wrote back and suggested the thing had obviously COME IN ON MY SHIRT, but is this not too terrible a thought to even consider????????

no no, he must have come in through the living room window. breathe. i had opened it just an hour earlier, because i was enjoying the early autumn breeze like an idiot. maybe he'd flown in, somehow gotten past my face and on down the hall, then rested his furry body on the bed and felt all happy with himself until big old fat me had to come in and crush him totally to death by nursing my baby down for a nap on him. 

(at least he got to die with a boob in his face.)

no matter no matter. he was dead and occupying my bedroom and now i could never go in there any more ever again. ever. and my faux leather leggings from forever 21 had just arrived and i wanted to try them on! it was becoming such a tragedy.

when the holbsinator got home he dealt with its remains. i was just glad it was him and not me. i am sure brandon's eulogy was quite elegant, but i wasn't invited to the service. i had to stay away, you see. out of respect for the dead. since i killed him.

and so now you know the story of how i had a dead dragon fly corpse rotting on my bed until 10pm one night a week or so back.

you're welcome.

32 comments :

  1. bahahhaha that is great.

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  2. Hahaha! I think it came in on your back...

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  3. oh gosh, i HATE those mosquito hawk things. they creep me out every time i find one in my house. and by golly, it seems like there's a new one every night! gosh darn living by a protected wet land area! and i also feel that i need to tell you we must be sisters in another life or something, because i am completely freaked out by basically any kind of bug, flying or not. and i would do the exact same thing you did if this situation were to happen to me.

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  4. He died with a boob in his face. hahaha, I'm sure there are many men that wouldn't mind that. ;)

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  5. you can tell I'm a nursing mother because the only thing I got out of that story was "wait she's still nursing huck? how old is he? should I nurse my baby til then too?" yeah, I'm obsessed.

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  6. gross!! I had to laugh at your classic mom maneuver.. I can totally picture it and know exactly what you are talking about



    www.studentswife.com

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  7. This is why you are my favorite. And I love you.

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  8. Hahaha! Natalie, when this popped up on Insta I DIED laughing. Also, A DRAGONFLY?? Kinda random, no??

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  9. Oh where oh where did those giant dragonflies come from?! There was a dead one (I hope!)on the shelf in front of my elevator the day I moved out of my NY apartment... I have never in my life seen a dragonfly that large before, it looked like a giant plastic kiddie toy! Had it been in my bed, I too would have left it there until some knight in shining armor could come take care of it...

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  10. The Ghost and Mr. Chicken?
    And I think you probably handled that dragonfly better than most people would have :)

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  11. Oh my god, I just laughed my head off! I would've probably done the same thing!

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  12. Ohmigosh, that thing is HUGE! And this was quite the eulogy. Well done :)

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  13. I just loved this. "I was enjoying the autumn breeze like an idiot." Ha. Someday, Huck will be old enough to get the bugs out, too.

    I teach kindergarten, and I always make the boys take care of that stuff. You wouldn't BELIEVE the critters that can sneak in through those cardboard boxes full of pencils and notebooks and such. Maybe I will just stop ordering supplies all together. We'll write on mini chalkboards and kick it bug-free and old school. :)

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  14. That dragonfly is terrifying! I definitely would've screamed too.

    Marissa / treetopnest.blogspot.com

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  15. My friend's older brothers used to call mosquito hawks "girl-eating bugs" needless to say she grew up more terrified of them than my friend who grew up with parents who called them "fairies."

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  16. That's pretty awful. Had the corpse been on the floor the scream might have been over the top. On the bed? Where you were just sitting? Totally justified.

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  17. I'm loling so hard right now. Love this post... I would have SO reacted the exact same way!

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  18. Such a random post and yet reading this just totally made my night :) I'm such a girl, I would have acted the same way. At least it wasn't a cockroach! (eeeeee I shudder just thinking about that)

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  19. another case of more recognition in death than in life... such a tragedy.

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  20. Ouch. Poor dragonfly. Hope it had a good life :/

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  21. so funny--i would have left it too, their eyes freak me out.

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  22. ughhhhh, he looks worse in the photo than he did in real life!!!

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  23. LOL @ the boob in the face and @ the classic mom maneuver because that is me all day, every day. This dragonfly reminds me of a post someone wrote of a mosquito dying in a similar fashion... That was you, no? :)

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  24. Is that dragon fly blood? Scary. Maybe Huck was just playing an early Halloween prank on you ;)

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  25. oh my gosh. that would give me the shivers.

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  26. " i had to stay away, you see. out of respect for the dead. since i killed him." Hilarious, Natalie!

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  27. lol that was hilarious! and horrific, all at the same time.

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  28. Oh man! Just wait until Huck comes HOLDING all those yucky bugs in his sweet little fingers!! I have three boys and still will only hold a ladybug... because they are so tiny, cute and harmless right?

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  29. All I've got to say is, What a way to die.

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  30. That was hilarious! I felt like I was reading an excerpt from a modern-day Anne of Green Gables.

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  31. You totally just made my day with that blog post. "At least he got to die with a boob in his face"....seriously, I was wiping away tears! Thank you for that. :)

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