I am having a day. (and a dirty mirror)
But then, really randomly, in the middle of feeling angry and sad I felt blessed.
I was walking to a meeting in a herd of engineers I work with. There I was, ensconced deep in the trenches of nerddom, and as I looked around at these guys my heart suddenly wanted to burst inside my chest. I am so lucky. I am so blessed. A lot of these nerds are my good friends. Sometimes they tell me I am cool by comparison. Sometimes I believe them!
I keep this blog so that I can keep a tangible record of the lovely things, no matter how small, and so I can look back someday and remember the best of the good times. And so I am going to count my many blessings. You know... When upon life's billows and all that. And truly, I am tempest-tossed.
SO:
1.) I have a good job in a really crummy economy. Somehow I am supporting my family. Okay, not very well, but I am!
2.) I bought a house all by myself, based on my earning power, and I can pay for it.
3.) At any moment I have five people I can call who care about me and will listen to me sob and snorfle and hiccup through my tears.
4.) I have a husband who is working his cute little bum off to get a good education so he can take care of me and our little family. He doesn't expect me to do anything other than what I want to do. He encourages every misled and crazy dream I have. I am so lucky to have him.
5.) I have a nice, reliable car. In the winter, I have 4WD and a good, strong heater. Brandon lets me park it in the covered carport so I don't have to scrape ice off the windshield in the mornings. He drives poor old Besty the Flying Potato with holes in the floor so you can see the road underneath and hornets nests in the engine while I cruise in comfort.
6.) I have a fantastic family who I love so, so, so very much (and miss almost constantly!).
7.) There is a gaggle of teenaged girls that I am called to lead in church who seem to look up to me, despite the obvious and many reasons they shouldn't. They lift me up more than I could ever have expected. I also get to flirt with 16-and 17-year-old boys, a past-time at which I have always excelled.
8.) I have always wanted a dog, and I have two!
9.) I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and looks after me. And he knows. I know that He knows, and I know that someday I will be a mother.
All this time I have been counting and planning and hoping, thinking bizarrely that I have any say in anything at all. People tell me to have faith, it's on God's timeline, relax, and I want to really feel that way too, except the sceince part of my brain fights with me.
But then I remember my patriarchal blessing. I was 17, and I was blessed to know that I would be a mother someday. At the time I figured of course I'd have a family "one day," but it wasn't terribly important to me at the time. But there was this blessing, with talk of motherhood, getting enough sleep as a mother, finding joy as a mother, and all of that garbage. Afterwards I swear my mother looked at me differently, like maybe I was someone she could suddenly relate to on a whole other level. Remembering this blessing this morning helped me to realize that I should have faith. My Heavenly Father has already promised me this blessing. I have nothing to fear.
"After all that we can do," we are blessed. I am already blessed. I will keep doing, but I think from now on I'll also try to trust a little more.
