9.18.2009

What Dreams May Come


One night a few months ago I dreamed a dream in which I visited a cyberfriend. Our husbands who have never met sat around her coffee table in her cozy living room and talked like old friends while I nursed a baby girl. (In my dreams these days I am always nursing a baby girl.) My cyberfriend was nowhere to be seen, off in another bedroom, or in the kitchen, and I nursed happily on, absentmindedly following the conversation but also lost in thought. I was thinking of my cyberfriend, and of her brand new pregnancy. So new she had not disclosed it yet, but somehow or other I knew. It was whispered to me from the cosmos. I was so happy for us, me and my nursing girl, she and her little secret.

But I woke up conflicted. I know about my dreams. I know to take them seriously. But I was tired of dreaming about this subject.

I was tired of the unreciprocated.

I debated what to do with the information I had been given. (And from where? And for why?) I imagined an email. What would it look like? I pondered the dream. Why did I need to know this? Was it a proof of our friendship, mine with this cyberfriend? Did she need something from me? What had I to offer? What?

And like I said, I was tired of the unreciprocated.

Days went by and the dream had turned into a hard rock in the pit of my stomach. It began to make me angry.

I emailed her to tell her I was thinking of her. It was the only way to preserve my pride while still following through on the mysterious orders I seemed to be receiving.

In due time the news came out. And though I already knew I felt my heart sink straight through the floor. For days I moped. Why not me? And, why? And also, WHY. But mostly, why?

And where is my baby girl to nurse? I am tired of having these dreams for other people! When will this dream finally be for me?

I am so tired of the unreciprocated.

It happened because she gave up, she says.

And I'm tired too of hearing that story and all its versions.

Because as hard as I try to, I just can't seem to give up.
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7 comments :

  1. It took me over a year...I never gave up. I understand your pain. I hated the "your trying too hard", "it will happen" comments. I now have my baby and it suddenly all makes sense; the timing of everything fell into place like it was meant to be. I am praying for you and your husband:)

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  2. Don't give up! If I had just given up and waited to have a baby, I wouldn't have any children at all. That I am positively sure of.

    Most women will eventually have a baby if they wait long enough. That's just the odds of having unprotected sex. But, I still think you have to set an end point at which you say, I've tried for X amount of years and it is time to get serious and see a DEDICATED fertily specialist (not just some OBGYN that fits in a few fertility patients).

    Your desire to have children is strong for a reason and that has to carry you forward.

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  3. The only baby girl I will ever nurse is my dog Lily. Okay, maybe not nurse, cause I could even dedicate myself to nursing my three boys.

    But all joking aside, Anon and Brooke have good words of wisdom. I remember trying for nearly year which seemed for an eternity. Hugs and prayers to you.

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  4. I so feel your pain. Yes, I was one who had to "give up" to get pregnant BUT I still needed the medical intervention that I had started but was too lazy to stop while I gave up because I knew we would try again once life settled down. I also remember it seemed like everyone around me was pregnant including one of my closest friends who complained to me that she hadn't got pregnant in 4 months when I'd been trying a year and then was pregnant 2 months later and then I had to listen to her complain that she didn't want to be pregnant and not sure she was ready to be a mom. As hard as it is to hear and live- when the time is right it will happen one way or another! I also know that you are going to be an amazing and super fun mom.

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  5. heh...i gave up a year ago. not back on BC but not focused on ttc. well, guess what? it still hasn't happened. we've been trying for 2.5 yrs now and i don't know if you stop stressing it will work. but you're on the right path and moving the right direction. has the holbs been tested yet?

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  6. well you know my thoughts on the subject, we talked for a LONG time about it last night, but I would love to talk some more :) my blog is aamuir.blogspot.com see you tomorrow at institute!

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