On Monday against my better judgement I let my husband take me to Wingers. Just typing it and my fingers bloat up!
The Wingers in Moscow was burned to the ground last year in a fiery furnace of months old frying oil and we didn't honestly think we'd live to see the day those saucy doors would reopen. But miracles do happen and those wings, they're just as bad for you as they used to be, friends.
I don't know what got into The Holbs's head to request Wingers but it was his birthday and I am nothing if not the bearer of all of The Holbs's dreams come true, so it was Wingers, and I smiled in the car all the way there.
I ordered a veggie burger and a swapped the fries for a side salad no bacon/no cheese and
dressing on the side, please Heavens!
I took the fun right out of that place, I know.
Partway through our transfatty meal the fire alarm went off.
I am so not cheesing you.
The fire alarm went off and the waitress nearest us shouted, her eyes as large as saucepans,
Sure as shootin, a bit of air blew in our direction bearing the wondrous scent of burnt popcorn.
 The Holbs and I exchanged incredulous looks.
"What are the odds,
(I could tell he was communicating to me via eyeball)
that we would be here as the Wingers burned down again,
after it burned down the first time,
and on my birthday too?"
I could tell his eyeballs were saying this to me. Six years practice, folks.
My eyeballs were clearly shouting,
We might get free dessert!
Waitresses dodged to and fro. Petrified customers, convinced they had eaten of their last meal (and what a way to go!) blinked at each other in a panic. Then there was a mass exodus; college girls with teased-up hair and old men in WSU sweats and middle-aged women in cotton separates all stood up with their belongings and jackets and shuffled down the aisles to the front exit and certain freedom.
I looked my brave spouse straight in the eye and asked, heroism thick in my voice,
"How's your chicken wrap?"
But only with the screeching fire alarm it really went like this:
"How's SCREECH chicken SCREECH-ap?"
The Holbs hollered backatcha,
I offered him half my boring no-fun veggie patty using elementary sign language. Gesture to plate, shrug up shoulders, eyebrows cocked.
Then I looked around the now empty dining establishment and watched the football game for a minute while waitresses dashed about looking stressed about.
"SHOULD WE BE EVACUATING?" I asked the skinny blonde one.
"It's Just The Popcorn Machine" was about to be etched on my tombstone.
 (Only but I wish to be cremated.)
(And maybe I am to get my wish this evening, all for free and stuff?)
But then as mysteriously as it started, the screeching stopped. My ears buzzed at the silence.
"Do you want dessert?" The Holbs asked me as restaurant patrons slowly shuffled back into the restaurant and towards their tables.
I wondered if it would be hard to locate your table after having been outside, as it sometimes is for me after using el baƱo fantastico. You know how that happens?
"Is this my plate of greasy fried chicken wings? Or is that my plate of greasy fried chicken wings?"
When we got home The Holbs buried me under a mountainous crag of blankets and then went to the gym to sweat it out.
I thought about how nice it is to have a Holbs of my very own, to fetch blankets when I am cold and glasses of water when I am parched and escort me to nice places such as the Wingers on birthday celebration nights. I thought about other girls who don't have a Holbs, I mean, what do they do with themselves?
I sure am glad the Holbsmama thought to feed him all those years and take him to get his yearly vaccinations and what.
Here's to you, Holbsmama. You're all right by me.


  1. Honestly, I really don't. Everytime I ate there before, it made me sick. The flavor of the food there, besides the wings, just isn't very good to me. I can't really eat a lot of fried food, so my options are severely limited when I go there. I probably won't be going back for the duration of our living here, unless someone specifically requests it.

    I love your story though. The irony is fantastic :)

  2. What a nice last meal! Ha! You crack me up!

  3. Omg I loooove Wingers. As does my husband. It's one of things we miss the most now that we're no longer in Pullman. I'm not a big wings fan but they use the same sauce on the chicken strips and I seriously love it. Maybe I should see if I can order some online

  4. I don't like it. I think it's the sauces or the spices they use. Blech.

  5. humm, never been. we'll have to try it out now!
    I'm glad you have a good man like holbs too! what would we do with out them?

  6. I've never been to Wingers, but I'll remedy that soon as there is a Winger's in Draper. Hip, hip, hooray.

    As for cremation, I am also totally in favor. Come on, baby, light MY fire! Karl, however, has a slightly different agenda for his remains. He wants to be cremated, but then he wants his ashes compressed into a diamond that I will then wear on my finger. Is that not MORBID? I hope it's a big diamond, though...especially since I lost my diamond ring a year ago and am feeling a bit vulnerable and unadorned in the ring-finger area these days. Maybe we'll have to go to Wingers a lot, then...just to beef him up. 'Cause I like my bling, ya know!

  7. Megan, there IS a Wingers in Draper... behind the Cafe Rio.

    Yummmmm, Cafe Riooooooo....

    Also, what is tis about losing your ring?? Horrible! Get thee to Wal-Mart and buy one of those gaudy plastic things and pretend it's real! I've always wanted to do that.

  8. You crack me up!!
    No Wingers in AZ that I'm familiar with. Dar would probably LOVE the place. Sounds like a kickin' 25th(haha) party! Wish we could have celebrated with you guys.

  9. we don't have a Wingers. But the smoke detector/strobe lights did go off at the beginning of my daughter's wedding reception. It took 30 minutes for the only guy in the valley that can turn it off to get to the church. In the meantime, we just pretended the flashing lights were part of the plan all along. She always wanted her reception to be a big party.

  10. Hi, Nat. I just found your blog (thanks to the blogs of note thingy) and am hooked already. You are delightful.

    As for Wingers, I like their food but not their sauce. The waitress always looks at me a little oddly when I order a such-and-such burger but hold the famous wingers sauce.


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