6.23.2010

Let's Hear It For The Holbs


My dearest little husband is having the time of his life these days. The time of his life! Allow me to explain!

First, there is the matter of the World Cup. I have lost my husband to the World Cup. He is dead to me. Lost to World Cup Heaven. I am a World Cup Widow but I will say, it is not that bad.

Every four years my Holbshusband disappears off this earthly plane, choosing instead to wander the bizarre off-hours schedule of the FIFA's designating. When I am asleep he is rooting for North Korea, and when I am awake he is trudging about grumpily in his lack of sleep.

The Holbsbeckham has set up a manly soccer campsite on the sofa (making 4:30AM kickoffs easier on the internal body clock, I suppose), and the dogs dutifully follow his testosterone lead, leaving me all the bed to myself. Glorious! Leg room!

I do miss his manly presence, but when you have a husband in soccer heaven there is suddenly so much more room on the bed for your body pillows (who are both named Ryan Reynolds), and what could be wrong with that? The Ryans and I have wonderful times together without extra bodies to interrupt. Some nights I think if I wish it hard enough one of the Ryans will grow arms for back tickles.

Some mornings I awake bleary eyed and confused to the sound of The Holbs shouting inane things at the television at 5AM. Things like, "OH MAN!" and "REF! REF!" and "RED CARD!" to which I shout back, "TOO EARLY!" causing the dogs to become all curious and sniff at the bedroom door, as if to say, Who is this person behind this door with the somewhat familiar scent? And should I remember her?

I mean, I just wonder what these dogs think is going on, is all.

Blah blah blah, soccer soccer soccer.

(But I would much rather lose my husband to soccer than to golf. Golf practically only exists to be a vehicle for male enhancements and Buick commercials, and that is gross. Maybe don't get me started on this.)

Then, there is the matter of the carpet stretcher guy.

The carpet stretcher guy came by early Monday morning. Having a carpet stretcher guy in our house allowed The Holbs to ask every question his little heart ever desired to ask about the fairer of our flooring options. (Which, weirdly, is a lot.)

The husband has a long-standing love for the carpets in our home. He steam cleans them monthly. He loves nothing more than dumping out that brown water and exclaiming, "Look at how much dirt I got up!" The minute the carpets have dried and the furniture is back to its usual locations, The Holbs is eyeing the fuzzy flooring, waiting and wishing and hoping for something to spill, something to send him back to the Safeway steamer rental and his jumbo-sized jug of carpet cleanser.

Possibly it is a sickness. The carpet and the tub caulking, (another time), these are just the things The Holbs loves most in our house.

And so, the carpet stretcher guy showed up and The Holbsy's soul drifted off to carpet heaven.

"How long have you been stretching carpets?" The Holbs asked with awe in his voice.

Ka-thunk, ka-thunk.

"Oh, twenty years."

Ka-thunk.

"Wow! You must be really good at this! What's that tool called?"

"Uh, it's called a carpet stretcher."

Ka-thunk.

"So, can you just buy one of those things at the hardware store?"

"Yeah."

Ka-thunk, ka-thunk.

"Woah."

Before long The Holbs was on his hands and knees, inspecting tools and soaking up all that the master had to offer. Eventually The Holbs straightened up, smoothed out his pants, and asked, "What do I owe you?"

The check is signed, firm handshakes exchanged, and The Holbs is left to quietly ponder his carpeted kingdom.

"I think I'm going to go rent a steam cleaner," he announces. "Want to come with?"

So I say yes. Because aren't wives supposed to want to go to heaven with their husbands? I am pretty sure that's how that works.

22 comments :

  1. If he's doing it monthly you need to invest in your own cleaner. For shiz. We bought ours at ye olde Costco for $200. It came with enough shampoo and cleaner for a year (for us, that is - we do them every quarter). and it's pretty fantastically easy to use. They even make special dog cleaning stuff.

    Even if we don't use it more than 4 times, it's so much cheaper than a rental (which runs us about $60-80 each time).

    Email me if you want details. Or just look it up on costco.com

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  2. ahaha ahh. i save your blog for last in my google reader as a treat. thank you for making me chuckle!

    :)

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  3. Wow, your hubby would be in hardwood floor hell at my house then.....but how interesting, a man who likes to steam clean things....

    at my first apartment/rented house, my roommate and I rented a carpet shampooer, and one night, the boys we played eucher with decided that THEY wanted to shampoo our carpets....they kept saying it....telling their friends that they were shampooing our carpets.....and we just thought, what odd fellows....however in boy lingo, shampooing carpets apparently made them some kind of sex gods or something in man-we-like-to-scratch-outselves-world.....and it was forever said that so and so shampooed my carpet! Niiiiiice! just the reputation a girl needs....on the other hand, I was branded CLEAN for a few years...so that had it's advantages. ;)

    Enjoy the ryan reynolds' and the leg room dearie....a husband who's in heaven seems to be a rare thing from the married couples I've seen/known in my days....for me, seeing a man happy, is like seeing a kid on x-mas morning....it's contagious....you can't help but smile at them.....so I hope everyday is as heavenly for you both....

    oh, and it's NEVER too early for Mt. Dew from the fountain and almond joys....that's the official word.

    your welcome! ;)

    ~hl~

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  4. Darn. Makes me wish my Husband would get sucked up in FIFA. But baseball is keeping him pretty preoccupied of late...

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  5. Your hubby and my mom would go crazy steam cleaning carpets together LOL mom bought her own though...

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  6. I can't say that my husband has ever had a steam cleaner run through his thoughts! I have to admit, I may be a bit jealous!

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  7. I have recently lost my husband to surround sound heaven. I'm pretty sure we've watched Gladiator three or four times this week alone (and by "we" I mean him). But how much blood splattering can one really endure in so many decibels?

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  8. My heaven on earth is the dollar store. I just LOVE the stupid, inane things you can buy there!

    (Note to Self: Must name body pillow Matthew Morrison.)

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  9. i'm pretty sure holbsbeckham is my favorite thus far :)

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  10. BAHAHA! I laughed out loud as I read "Because aren't wives supposed to want to go to heaven with their husbands?" Heaven. Funny. And even funnier is that fact that my Brandon loves to steam clean our carpets too, but the poor dude doesn't get to fulfill this need too often as his wife (that's me) won't let him. I would just assume buy a steamer when we can better afford it. :)

    And I do the same thing as Alicia -- save your blog for last as a treat for my reading eyes. You're story-telling abilities are just wonderful.

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  11. I am a baseball widow. And right now the College World Series is on. Also my husband has a love of vacuuming, perhaps I should turn him on to the steam cleaning!!

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  12. Your post made me realize that my fiance may very well have lost ME to World Cup heaven. On the east coast it starts at 7:30 and ends around 4:00 every day. It's taken every ounce of my being not to call out sick from work every time USA plays...or Italy...or those delicious Argentines!

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  13. I love that your body pillows have names, and I especially love the name(s) you chose. Perfect!

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  14. Costco sells steam cleaners.

    I know because I bought one. I think the Holbs needs to know.

    Best parenting gift I've ever picked up.

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  15. My husband has never been a soccer fan. But I am a golf, football, baseball and basketball widow. Is that worse?

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  16. Dear Nat the Fat Rat-

    I would like to enter your giveaway but if I were to win I'd be taking the necklace away from someone who can't just whip it up herself. That's seems kindof selfish. Also, I would like to move forward with our negotiations. What item of jewelry is it that you are pining over? Do tell.

    P.S. Wish my husbear was obsessed with cleaning the carpets. What a nice perk to get in a man.

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  17. Ryan Reynolds in STEREO! Fantastic! I should have named my body pillow. It was my best friend for many, many months.

    I LOVE that your husband loves carpets so much. Perhaps theres a fall-back job in there somewhere for him? You know, just in case.

    And I'm DYING to know about the tub caulking!

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  18. I love this post.

    Please write me a story someday!

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  19. HAHAHA! Love that your pillows are named Ryan Reynolds. "yes, please".

    Also, your rendering of Holbshusband and the carpet stretcher? Crack me up and call me Lucy.

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  20. Also? "I prayed about it and know it is true". . . .lol!

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  21. AnonymousJune 25, 2010

    your husband is a stone cold fox!!! ow owww
    can i have him?

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  22. Hee-hee-hee-hee! That is SOOOO Jeremy!

    And by the way, I think the ANON above is Holbsy. Holbsy, you can't hide from me. I know these things.

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