12.17.2010

Thoughts In The Night


In the quiet of my dark bedroom, as I rock my Huckleberry in his tight swaddle and look out over the twinkling New York City apartments, I start to wonder if maybe our babies are made up of little slices of our very own souls, slices that we unknowingly part with the first time we feel the stirrings of maternal longing. He feels so familiar to me, and in a strange way it seems like I've known him forever.

I wonder if know him because he is part of me? Fitting perfectly into the space I carved for him during all those years of waiting.

Or maybe we are spirits that have reunited after a long separation. As I sway in the darkness, his head under my chin, I wonder if we were, and if so, what we talked about. I wonder if I promised him I'd find a way to bring him home, even if it was difficult, even if it seemed impossible. Or was it the other way around? Maybe he reassured me that even though it would take a while, that he would be there waiting. I sometimes wonder, even as he is so helpless, who really needs the other more.

It is so obvious that he is mine, and that he was supposed to be mine all along. Sometimes in the dark I imagine that on the day he was born the Universe shifted to correct for its imbalance.

As the lights from distant windows twinkle and the night gets later he finally drifts to sleep. I am so glad I fought. And so grateful he waited.

20 comments :

  1. What a lovely post. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. You're such a great writer. This post is beautiful!

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  3. This was very beautiful! Sometimes when I look at my L. I see so much of myself in her. Especially when I am trying to discipline her and she is back talking me and I am trying not to smile because I see my independent spirit behind her eyes peeking back out at me. :)I really do think we give a piece of our souls to our children. I loved this piece.

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  4. That was so beautifully written. I think all mothers (or at least most, I hope) feel the same way. You just have one helluva knack for putting words to those thoughts/feelings. I'm sure that your beautiful baby boy will adore and cherish these writings when he is older!

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  5. i absolutely agree. before i had my babies, i thought i was complete. but, when we "re-united" i realized how uncomplete i really was.

    lovely post. i like how nighttime thoughts sound:)

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  6. Well said, Natalie. I love nighttime thoughts also, especially when they are sweet and happy and satisfied like yours. Thanks for sharing.

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  7. I've been reading your blog for years and I'm really happy you have a baby and are back in NYC. I've really enjoyed reading about your life. Cheers!
    Sara
    P.S. also love the fashion photos! I like your style.

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  8. Natalie, that was so amazing! You've put into words what I could never articulate about the love I have for my babies! It really moved me!

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  9. Sometimes when I really LOOK at my baby and concentrate on her actual 'being', instead of changing her diapers or clothes, I just can't get my head around the fact she is actually here. She is both tangible and dreamlike at the same time; sometimes I pinch myself over and over, unable to believe she is really here...does that make sense??!!

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  10. http://www.amazon.com/Day-You-Were-Born/dp/0152579958

    You should have this book.

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  11. Natalie,

    That is so beautifully and so perfectly said!

    Eileen

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  12. Well said! I was watching my son sleep tonight on the couch and I did not put it into words but you have said how I felt at that moment perfectly.

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  13. pretty much this about made me cry. and i love your family photos, soo cute.

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  14. That last line, it's true. You were chosen for each other.

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  15. Awww that almost made me cry! You're an awesome writer. Like for real - you got skillz!

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  16. I apologize in advance for the lack of sappiness in my comment, but that floating zebra head in the photo really got me. Please explain. I stared and stared at it, trying to figure out the logic behind it. Let's discuss.

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  17. You write so beautifully Natalie, and you put emotions that are so grand, so impossible to express into words that make sense... I'm crying again... needless to say now I'm hooked on your blog.

    Thank you for sharing such beautiful experiences!

    xoxo, Paula

    http://www.treschicmama.com

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  18. You are an amazing writer. I love this post and often feel this way with my boyfriend, like we were just supposed to be together. I hope we have a little huckleberry one day to feel this motherly connection you speak of, it's beautiful.

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