8.31.2015

ELK RIVER FALLS


It is eternally weird being back in Moscow. Especially after such a long time away spent convinced I'd never have to see this place ever again.

Brandon and I had some version of this conversation easily thirty billion times while living in New York:

"Hey! Let's move back to Moscow!"
"Oh my gosh that's the worst idea ever." 

"Wouldn't it be amazing to move back to Idaho? Maybe after we retire?"
"Yes!  . . .  Except that sounds awful, it snows too much there."

"Man! Sometimes I think we really should just move back to Moscow and get it over with already."
"Right? Except, you can't go back to Moscow. I'm not sure Moscow really exists."

Well, crap.


We've had a lot of places on our list of places we want to re-experience now that we are old and here again and things are so familiar yet so bizarre. For instance, this weekend we went to see Brandon's office in the accounting department at WSU, in the same building where he went to get his MBA a million years ago. 

On his bookshelves in his office he'd lined up a few of his old textbooks, along with his various diplomas (all eleven million of them), and a few pieces of nostalgia from vacations + experiences past. A souvenir from the Statue of Liberty, a teacher's voodoo doll from our time in New Orleans, and his old WSU student ID card. Oh gosh, Brandon was so young back then. I glanced from item to item, everything was just fine, until I got to his ID card and I was struck with this almost overwhelming physical response to it. 

Hey! I know that boy! I fell in love with that boy! What happened to that boy?? 

It was the face I spent hours looking at in our ward directory at BYU when we were apart, first getting to know each via other long-distance emails, staying up late on the phone when we both knew we had to wake up early the next morning. And I realized I missed him. It was so weird. I was with him, but I missed him, and I'm still trying to figure what all that was. I struggled not to cry the rest of the day and I'm still not really sure why. 

Right, so, one of the places on our list of places to re-experience was the hike at Elk River Falls. 


The last time we were here I was twenty-five weeks pregnant, and while talking with Brandon about how weird Huckleberry bushes are, I decided I knew what I wanted to name my baby. 

Huckleberries won't grow anywhere but in the wild. Did you know that? You can't really cultivate them in your own garden, they don't flourish that way. You have to find them where they are. Because they can only grow where they want to grow.

That is so my baby for you.

(That is so my Idaho for you.)


Oh, it's weird to be back home. It's weird and wild and sad and wonderful. And hard as hell. But damn, is it good.

18 comments :

  1. "(That is so my Idaho for you.)" I could not say truer words about my home state. Its like an unnatural force that does what it wants with you. That state is just----wild.

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  2. I love the photo of you and Huck walking with the colorful leaves!! And what a cool story about his name.

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  3. It was the face I spent hours looking at in our ward directory at BYU when we were apart, first getting to know each via other long-distance emails, staying up late on the phone when we both knew we had to wake up early the next morning. And I realized I missed him. It was so weird. I was with him, but I missed him, and I'm still trying to figure what all that was. I struggled not to cry the rest of the day and I'm still not really sure why.

    This. This may be one of my favorite paragraphs you have written in recent history. I feel that same feeling sometimes from start of new seasons, old school pictures, photos of my husband from 6 years ago. Etc. What is it??

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  4. Huckleberry Heaven? You Bring the Mountain to Mohammed!!

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  5. I feel the same nostalgia for the boy I used to date over 8 years ago. Where did he go? I'm married to him, and he's 4 feet from me at the moment, but I totally get it!

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  6. Re. missing the younger version of B, you MUST immediately read Rainbow Rowell's Landline (and then all the rest of her books, ha!). Just...go. Report back.

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  7. Is the sadness longing for the past or a dissatisfaction with the present? It seems like you've made a lot of big changes in your life over the past year or two (religious, the move, Huck growing up, etc). I guess it can be hard to find yourself when so much has changed. Good luck sorting it all out.

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  8. I love your huckleberry story. It's perfect. And also, that photo of you and Huck next to the bench is so quintessential mom/son. I love it.

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  9. I think this is my favorite post of yours and i've never actually commented on here, but I get this. I get missing someone when you're with them and not really missing them for any other reason than it's a different time and place entirely and somehow everything is different and the same all at once.

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  10. reading about finding his old ID and that boy you fell in love with...well it totally made ME tear up! i am totally picking up what you're putting down. it was like another lifetime, right? that's why i always keep a photo or two up in my house of my boy back in the good days when we were dating. just to remember it. cuz i miss him too.

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  11. I love that Huck is named after Huckleberries! That's the loveliest thing!
    Gold Dust
    x

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  12. Last week I found an old photo of my husband and I and had the exact same response. I miss the old him and while I love the man I have today more then I could have ever imagined back then, I miss the old us. How simple it was when it was simply him, me and the butterflies.

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  13. I've definitely had the feeling of longing/missing for my spouse even though he was right there and present. It was a few weeks after I gave birth so that had something to do with it but I definitely went through a mourning period of our previous lives. It was this feeling like I was never going to see that guy again. Because this guy that I'm with now is full of life experience and he won't be the same guy I met ever again. He's a man now, a father. It's truly a gut wrenching feeling to be that nostalgic. Life, its amazing and terrible at the same time.

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  14. that old picture struck you because you have the heart of a sentimental fool! same as me. i sometimes get homesick for people and places i've never even been.
    www.thismomsgonnasnap.com

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  15. Love all this green! This is what I love most about living in Berlin - we've got big city but crazy-massive forested green spaces as well. Glad you are getting out and finding yourself at home again here!

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  16. Are you happy or sad about being back there? I can't tell. I don't know how I would feel about leaving the excitement of NYC for something so polar opposite. But I've never lived in NYC, so I don't know all of the downsides other than tiny, cramped living spaces and things costing twice-three times the price

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