did you see this?

i don't think they're real.

my gut feeling tells me this.

adipose tissue tip

attn: nat the fat rat mommy. 

your child has a great excess of adipose tissue. 

this increases his chances of being a fat man quite a bit. 

he needs a slightly less wholesome diet.

you do know these blogs are recruiting tools, right?

these women and their photos may not even be real.

* * *

i knew a mormon girl once.

she ate one in&out burger a day 

because she said it satisfied her. 

(see the rat's photos of hamburgers . . . 

have we got a hamburger cult here?)

* * *

above you will find one nat, of fat rat fame, ingesting what is likely to be the best cheap slice of pizza on columbus avenue between 68th and 70th street.

just below that, you will find some really awesome comments from the comment section of the salon.com article i was interviewed for regarding mormon lifestyle bloggers. (don't read the comments. really), including one conspiracy theory, courtesy of an intelligent salon.com commenter.

now. this entire business gives me great pause.

because actually, i did survive my entire sophomore year at byu by only eating one half-pound arctic circle hamburger a day, along with a giant order of fries with fry sauce (fryyyyy sauuuuuuce), and an extra large dr. pepper. and oh, it was gooood.

and, i did eat enough hamburgers while pregnant for my anemia (doctor's orders!) that i was able to rank with conviction of spirit all of the best burgers in the neighborhood. (best one is shake shack and that is not product placement (i wish!)).

even worse: we did have plans to go to the shake shack tonight with our friends.

so.

!!

what if i am part of a hamburger cult, i started to wonder? do you think i'd know it if i were? or is it like having bad taste in men, you don't think you do, but only you totally do and everybody knows it.

luckily, at the last minute my friend had to work, so we ended up getting a slice instead, which also freed my poor mental state of its nagging cultish mental anguish.

for dessert we had cannoli and hot cocoa at the shop around the corner, which is now called "cafe sonatina." they don't allow cell phones inside, which really boiled my gourd! (the cannoli was only so-so. good cocoa though!)

when nursing in public it's important to stay hydrated. fresca does the trick.

because ophiuchus is not a dirty word

ok, so, a virgo, a libra, and a scorpio walk into church one sunday. something something something, punch line, badum-ching!

while they were there, the virgo helped pass the sacrament, the libra played the piano in relief society, and the scorpio looked really cute and kicked his legs when people smiled at him.

when they got home they said hello to their dogs (a libra and a taurus), and then they all probably took a nap or something, because going to church is really tiring.

this week, three virgos walked into a church. a virgo, a virgo, and a virgo. the one virgo helped pass the sacrament again, the other virgo played the piano during relief society, and the third virgo stubbornly refused all his naps and spent the majority of the afternoon with a tired, quivering chin.

when they got home they said hello to their two dogs (another virgo and now an aries), and then they wished they could take a nap, only instead they had home teachers coming over and a viewing of you've got mail to attend to (very spiritual matters indeed).

this is the part that's a joke: all of the sudden, this week i wasn't a libra anymore. when i found out, i died. i was properly devastated. because being a virgo is silly. i know this because i've seen it happen.

brandon is a virgo. he is such a virgo-y virgo that when the horoscopes up and changed on us this week, he was still a virgo. his virgo essence is too pure!

but i am a libra, or i've been a libra. and you don't just go from the fairest astrological sign in the heavens to the nerdiest without feeling at least a little bit depressed about things.

and anyway, huck can be a virgo if he wants to be, because that's how much i loooooove him.

as of this week, the holbrook household is four-fifths virgo. based on that information, and on my vast knowledge of psychoastrologicalcosmonaut type things, i am really quite qualified to provide for you the ultimate character description of a virgo:

1. virgos love beautiful things, and love to shop. virgos could shop all day long! virgos love to shop online, in malls, in thrift stores, in grocery stores, shopshopshopshopshop.

2. virgos HATE to shop. virgos would rather have their eyes pulled out of their sockets with a toenail clipper than have to shop. virgos would much prefer to watch cheesy scifi movies. nothing is more beautiful to a virgo than a calculator.

3. virgos have seasonal allergies.

4. virgos do not have seasonal allergies.

5. virgos are exceptionally poor at math.

6. virgos get their third post-graduate degree in tax law because they like adding up complicated strings of numbers.

7. virgos like to eat socks and puke them up under the bed on sunday mornings.

8. virgos have very sensitive stomaches and tend to get sick a lot.

9. virgos don't ever puke because puking is a sign of weakness.

10. virgos say things like, "are you ever going to post?" and "you should really post something new. try to sound intelligent though."

you got it?

so obviously it was looking pretty dire for me. but then i saw on twitter that this horoscope change only applies to people born after 2009? (if it's on twitter it must be true. i've prayed about it.)

so, libra again.

it's too bad, i was starting to embrace my new virgo-ness. so being a virgo is nerdy, so what? i love the nerds! and anyway, it could be worse. i could be a sagittarius. (i don't know anything about being a sagittarius.)

i guess i'll just be satisfied to be the one lone libra in a sea of handsome virgos.

so, two virgos and a libra walk into church one sunday . . .

STILL JANUARY

In a startling bit of news, I discovered today that it is still not even the middle of January yet.

Surely we have been in January for almost two months by now?

I think I'm pretty much finished with January.

In anticipation of February, which is coming someday, here are some fat babies. 

all covered in snow

we're supposed to get over a foot of snow tonight. i'm ready for it! i can't think of anything better than staying in all day and loving on a real fat baby.

here are some pictures i took last weekend. we got all bundled for the trek up to shake shack. while we were out  stomping through the snow i tested out the new instagram app. 

and this shot, taken on brandon's phone. pretty!

it's my job not to play favorites

I spent half of my day today laughing at the memory of my ginger sitting at the Met Cafe, eating a PBH and some pudding, and saying to me "Do you remember that whore unzipping my jacket?"

To which I stopped everything I was doing and said, 'WHAT?'

To which The Holbs looked at me innocently and said,

"The horse? Do you remember?"

I do remember the horse that unzipped Brandon's jacket, because that was the day I almost died. We rode Brandon's cousin Scottie's dang horses in the snow for ten minutes before mine got all grouchypants and I had the sudden realization that I WAS SOMEBODY'S MOTHER and as such SHOULD NOT BE RISKING MY LIFE.

I spent the other half of my day congratulating myself on finally figuring out that my baby is not angry or mean spirited, but rather he is sleepy. lightbulbs! I had no idea babies slept so much. All day long, really. Even when they stop falling asleep on their own.

Tricky, those babies.

Less tricky are dogs.

For instance. If you notice a dog is missing, and also so is the other half of your candy cane, chances are high that they are both together, enjoying sweet puppy love making, under your bed.

Dogs are so easy! I should write a book. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Dogs. Is what I would call it.

Did you know sometimes you have to help your puppy go to sleep, even when he does not act tired?

There is nothing worse than an overtired terrier.

The husband is off watching a football game with friends tonight, and so it is just me and the dogs and the off-and-on sleeping baby holding down the fort, and as such there is nobody here to keep me accountable to anything. How many Diet Cokes have I had tonight? THERE IS NO WAY OF KNOWING!

The other half of my day I spent staring at this part of my apartment:

Oh boy I am turning into my mother, and all I want to do is stare at this corner and ask myself out loud what I am going to do with it.

What am I going to do with it??

It is in my nature to just stick everything that is appealing to me onto the walls and call it good, but I have been informed by The Boss (he wishes) that this apartment is "too small to be cluttered."

Which is too bad, because the other day I acquired these guys.

So.

And now to cap this off, here is Barney: