I Am Turning Over A New Leaf

As I walk down the street with my two manic puppies straining eagerly against their leashes I kick over leaves. They are yellow and red and gold and they flee before my feet. The leaves that do not escape crunch and break. Barnaby gets them stuck to his nose and I laugh.

I am turning over a new leaf, myself.

On Friday night I was at a party where we were discussing the odd names people give their children. I shared a personal story relating to one college roommate (Rachael Dick!) and our unfortunately paired last names that fell flat. I realize now it is because it was dirty, and I was the only dirty-minded girl in the place. Oh the crickets in the room. I was mortified! So I picked up my chin and pretended it never happened.

But it haunted me all weekend.

And then. At the Stake Conference adult session on Saturday night, whie eating chicken noodle soup, I was able for the first time in my life to contain my subconscious humor when I was asked by a friend whether I knew which sport contained the fastest ball speed.

My sex life, I said in my head.

"Lacrosse?" I tamely offered.

I am turning over a new leaf, my friends.

(But if you ever need a good, innuendo-filled one-liner, you know where to come.)


  1. What to say Natalie?? Your blog makes me smile AND raise my eyebrows!! I enjoy your writing style!! You got some talent! If you want to read a blog that is a little more G-rated and not so smart, you can check mine out too!! Hang in there on the baby thing. BLAH BLAH BLAH, I know it gets old to hear. Especially when it comes from someone who has kids...You guys will have kids some day and you'll be cuddling them and teaching them all your zingers soon enough!!

  2. Oh, my gosh. PLEASE do not turn over a new leaf and become boring, clean-minded, and dull. I need people like you in my life to add a bit of spice to an otherwise flavorless world. I was RAISED on sarcasm, innuendo, and the occasional dirty joke. I need others to tee-hee with me when the opportunity to show off my upbringing arises.

    Remember in that one less-than-stellar but still-worthy Meg Ryan movie, "Kate & Leopold," where Liev Shreiber is listening to a speech about the Brooklyn Bridge and snickering each time the speech-giver says, "Behold, rising before you, the greatest erection on the continent...the greatest erection of the age...the greatest erection on the planet!" Natalie--what if no one else but me finds that funny? And all because you turned over a new leaf?!? Think of the consequences!!!

  3. Oh, and there totally IS such a thing as "internet friends." I made internet friends with a girl in St. George who sold me a bunch of baby headbands on eBay. We emailed, like, ten times back and forth! I even set up a friend with her younger brother. Internet friends are real. Brandon simply needs to accept this.

  4. Megan, I try not to think too much about Kate & Leopold and Meg Ryan's sweaty armpits BUT that part was HILARIOUS. I saw Liev Schreiber on Broadway when I was living in New York and during his scenes it was ALL I could think about. I promise you I will always be there for you for a good dirty joke. Always. Except when in mixed company and at church functions and in front of my husband. Sigh. But otherwise. Yes. :) Love you, by the way!!

  5. You cannot leave out church functions! That's when I need someone to giggle with the most!!!

    My parents do not foster a sense of propriety at church functions. At church dances, my mom (who herself is a very good dancer) will find the most ridiculous, over-confident, under-equipped-to-groove attendee (usually a man over 45--what IS it with them?), then position herself right behind him and mimic his every ill-performed move for the benefit of my stepdad. Believe it or not, Jim is MORTIFIED by her antics. He'll hiss at her, "Karen, STOP. I'm leaving you here if you do that again!" Yet she persists. (Katie once remarked, "You know, alcohol has never done our family any favors," and Mom looked thoughtful and said, "Well, it doesmake some of us dance better!")

    Jim is no saint, though. His dearest ambition for awhile was to show up at the next ward Halloween party dressed as a priest with a pair of little boy's sneakers dangling from beneath his robes. Katie and I were adamantly against this idea!!! And not only because it's flagrantly inappropriate (yet funny, yet still inappropriate). I mean, what if my DAD caught wind of this!!! Oh, the horror.

  6. Loved this post. I have recently returned to the LDS church after leaving around the age of 16. Although I have made some friends in my ward, I still feel like an outsider sometimes and like I don't quite fit in. Hearing your story makes me realize there are other women out there that think and act like I do and still love the gospel. Maybe I will find my place in this new "world". It just might take time.


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