10.26.2009

Limbo


The Holbs checks on me all day with expectant eyes, as if I were a loaf of bread rising.

Well?? he asks with upward eyebrows.

I'm not not pregnant, I answer, wishing it so hard I can feel it in my toes.

Neither/nor. I am not anything, but I am also not nothing. Conception lingo, that fuzzy space between a late period and a positive test. I have yet to be told yes, however I have also yet to be told no. I am Late. All I can do is wait. And try not to get my tender hopes up.

At dinner I expect it to come. I tell myself it is inevitable. I convince myself I feel a cramp, to lessen the blow. But it still doesn't come. A small victory? I smile though I don't mean to. Too soon, I tell myself.

In the morning I hold my breath. Still, somehow, miraculously, nothing. I exhale but not with relief. Limbo is lame. Impatience is growing. I am pretty sure that is all that is growing. I wonder how I got to be so pessimistic.

Evening comes and nothing has changed. I consult Google. I inspect for symptoms. I interrogate the usual suspects, no one is divulging. But my head hurts something righteous. Master my headache is raging. Has that got anything to do with anything? Hmm? Instinct tells me most likely . . . not. Google confirms. I let myself imagine maybe, even though it's fruitless.

Day four turns to five. Tests are now telling me no but time says differently. A tiny flutter of hope is implanted and begins to grow. I count forward months, just to see. The timing seems dreadful yet also blissfully perfect. I review my running list of baby names. I know this will only hurt more but then I also know it would be impossible to make it hurt less, so with caution thrown forcefully into the wind I forge ahead.

I call my mother. If anyone can know, she will. Well, how do you feel? she asks, ready to diagnose. Forgetful, I answer. She laughs. You don't sound pregnant. I know she is right. I don't sound pregnant, and I don't feel pregnant either.

And on the sixth day it comes.

It always comes.

And I start counting again.

55 comments :

  1. =/

    But, on a different.. and somehow related.. note, I admire your words,
    and your opening metaphor reminded me of this poem by Sylvia Plath,
    "Metaphors"

    I'm a riddle in nine syllables,
    An elephant, a ponderous house,
    A melon strolling on two tendrils.
    O red fruit, ivory, fine timbers!
    This loaf's big with its yeasty rising.
    Money's new-minted in this fat purse.
    I'm a means, a stage, a cow in calf.
    I've eaten a bag of green apples,
    Boarded the train there's no getting off.

    thank you, nattis the rattis

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  2. I have been there MANY times and it sucks! But keep counting....it will happen :-)

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  3. I made note on your last post that making us wait for 3 days for your next post is cruelty to your followers. Not realizing that you were enduring a bit of cruelty enflicted by the gods yourself, I'd like to apologize for my selfish insensitivity. But on the other hand, it's not my fault that you have such a way with words which keeps us all on the edge of our seats. Thanks Nat.

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  4. Dang. Sounds like a hard road. Hang tough, chin up, stay strong, and all those well-intentioned but ultimately empty bumper-sticker-type things people say when they're not really sure what to say...

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  5. Hi there-
    I just found your blog a couple of days ago. (Thank you - Blogs of Note)

    I too enjoy your writing style, and you have added to my own passion for writing. I am enjoying following your life. You know, it's been 2 days since I started reading, of course following the backposts - and I find myself intrigued and looking for your next post.

    We do have a couple of things in common so far. 1 being that my husband and I desire to have a child (okay we're both desperate to) but, I didn't want to put that on you- you may not be desperate. We are unable to due to some medical issues I have - and we are unsure if fertility will help. We haven't been able to afford the journey down that road- so we don't even bother looking at it. (I guess I could take a drive sometime and see if anything pans out- like say, free fertility treatments!!! =)

    Well- I did not anticipate my comment being this long, so let's hope you like reading, as much as you like writing. haha. I did just make myself laugh right out loud. Of course it is almost 2am, and I am alone- that's always a mixture for laughter.

    Okay- my very last comment tonight (things we have in common- #2).

    I'm a mormon also. So- I have to say, I quite liked, no I Loved the "Master my headache is Raging"... seriously I love that hymn - but I even more-so, love that line. Props for you. and my 2 cents (okay 25cents) worth.

    goodnight.

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  6. Although I am not yet someone's wife, am still young, I still feel your pain in desiring to be a mother. I guess all women can relate to that, young or younger :)
    I really do wish you the best. Keep praying and hoping and someday, it will be rewarded and all these days of waiting and waiting will seem distant memory. It WILL happen. Have faith :P

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  7. What you are describing, the waiting, excitement and ... nothing, is exactly what I am going through. I am hoping to be pregnant by the end of the year :)

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  8. I read your post with held breath and yelped "ah crap" at the end (much to hubby's astonishment). So sorry anyone has to go through that and most of us have been there so know what it feels like...doesn't help you much really but you are not alone :)

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  9. "All good things come to those who wait", yea I'd like to give the author a quote of my own, but seriously it will happen when the time is right. Just hold on to your faith and your husband, and know that we are rooting for you!

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  10. I have been there too many months to count. Wishing you luck.

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  11. それのために行く

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  12. I feel like you and I could be the same person. This entire scenerio and all of the feelings that go along with it, are things my husband and I have been coping with for the last almost 15 months, and have happened to me almost detail for detail. I am now in the limbo that you speak of. It is, without a doubt, the hardest part of the month.

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  13. :(

    when my sister was trying to get pregnant, she had a lot of these. then one day, she called us up out of the blue (we had thought she had stopped trying and was just going to let what happen happen) and announced she was pregnant. hopefully that day will be soon for you.

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  14. I was so hoping by the end of the post to hear better new. What you're going through is so hard. I feel blessed every day that things went fairly easy for us, because I don't know that I have the strength to deal with what you are. PPT your direction.

    But in the midst of that, the "Master my headache is raging" gave me such a guffaw (not at your pain--headaches are the WORST--but at your cleverness), that now I have to clean my screen. Thanks soooo much. I'll never be able to sing the song with a straight face again, not to mention that now I can't make it stop playing in my brain! Aneurrythm. :oP

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  15. Stop worrying and it will happen when it is supposed to happen.

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  16. Bummer. It'll happen one day; probably you're sick of hearing that 'cause "one day" isn't right now. Keep on keepin' on...

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  17. I'm sorry for your disappointment. Just keep enjoying each other.

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  18. Okay, I am another one of those that love the "Master My Headache is Raging!" I will never ever look at or hear that hymn the same way again.

    As you already know, my advice is bad advice on getting preg. You could try standing on your head? Or not.

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  19. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I recently started following your blogs...and I very much enjoy all three.

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  20. hells bells. auntie flo sure loves to torture! i should be seeing her soon because we all know that after 3.5 years of unwanted monthy visits shes not just going to all of a sudden not come. with that said, please pass the chocolate covered chocolate. thanks.

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  21. On the plus side, that outfit is smokin' hot.

    xoxo

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  22. I've been where you are...the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I now know why I had to go through it and I guess that's what I say to you, there is a reason. One day it will all make sense.

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  23. I can't say how often I've been through something like this.. The worst part is worrying about how your life would change if you were.

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  24. Many, many women know how you feel and have been there. Myself included. That doesn't make it easier though. It doesn't make it better. So rather than tell you my tales of woes and eventual triumphs, I will jsut tell you that I send you good wishes. Good blessings. A dash of pixie dust. You are in my thoughts.

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  25. for serious, love (l-o-v-e) that dress + heels. i must know where you got those shoes! or at least who makes them...(love). also, last year there were a couple of months i was two weeks late getting my period. two weeks! it was always just long enough for me to take a test and get my hopes up but, alas. i feel your pain, friend. i so do.

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  26. I feel your pain, too, but in a slightly different way. I myself have been on weird birth control that has landed me TWO PERIODS A MONTH. For like, THREE months. Can you even IMAGINE the crap my husband's been through these last 12 weeks? Poor, poor man.

    You know what? Sometimes I wonder about this whole "You'll know why you had to go through this crap" idea. I envy people who find out why they were given such-and-such a trial, because I've had several that STILL need explaining.

    Hey, and I have a migraine right now. So you feel free to come on down and be a mommy to Camryn for a day! Yes, she's blonde, but she's still a great big love. And she'd love you. So, seriously, come on down.

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  27. Kalli Ko is RIGHT. you are smokin hot in that outfit, oh to have your taste. speaking of which will you go fabric shopping with moi? (for you know what) I love your style and feel I have none, so could use your help :)
    and I'm still on the optimistic side of it....I want you to have ababy so bad to. so day6? maybe?

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  28. What a wonderful way to describe it! You definitely have a way with words. I've been here many MANY times too. And I can definitely tell you... as can most women... it will happen when you stop counting... when stop trying... when you've given up. I promise. Good luck!

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  29. sorry, nat =(
    too young to understand, but yet the pain is there.

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  30. Sometimes I think that the little soul that is meant for you will only be ready when it is ready. And try as you might it just won't happen until that time. That is why I think that people who thought they were infertile sometimes get pregnant after they adopt; it's not because they "relaxed" and stopped trying, it's because the child they adopted was meant for them. So, when they recieve that child they are free to have their own bilogical baby. If they got pregnant right away they never would have adopted. I'm not saying adopt; I'm just saying that maybe there is a special little soul meant just for you who has more work to do wherever it is that babies hang out before they are born. I had a miscarriage almost a year ago and I like to think that my little soul just wasn't quite ready in the end, but when he or she is, along they will come. Sorry this comment is long :-)

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  31. No fun! Ten years and counting, I realized that Hannah, Sarah, Rachel, Rebecca and Elizabeth ALL had to wait because their sons ALL had VERY special birthdates that impacted the world! No matter what, I have no doubt that you are meant to be the parents of someone SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR with a very special birthdate, too!

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  32. Noooo! That is such a bummer. I'm pullin' for ya, though. Any kid who gets you for a mom is lucky!

    P.S. Your blog is not only awesome to read, but soooo beautiful too! My eyes feast on the spectacularity of it all. And yes, I'm pretty sure that is a word. You make everything more beautiful and interesting!

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  33. I was five days late this month. Then, I woke up crampy yesterday and there you are. Today is hell. Midol, I hate that I had to buy you again! Curse you! Don't give up Nat, don't ever give up. God isn't quite done designing your baby yet. A gleam in the eye here, a dimple there...when He is ready, He will send the bundle to you, to bake appropriately for 9.5 months (roughly) and then into your arms for you to love more than anyone has a right to be loved :)

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  34. I teared up reading your post because I've been there and you expressed the emotions so well. *sniffles* Waiting is so hard.

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  35. i saw your blog through blogs of note..just thought i'd say you're a wonderful writer and your posts are very interesting to read.

    sorry to hear of your disappointment..i'm sure it's very disheartening, but don't give up! things always happen when we least expect them.

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  36. Natalie, it's like you wrote this out of the words of my heart. . .

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  37. Thank you for sharing your journey, so eloquently. I'm sorry that the rocky path showed up again, but I like the thoughts of some of the other commenters - your baby will come to you when it's ready. Babies, perhaps. : )

    *far away cyber hug*

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  38. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  39. Best of luck to you! I know how frustrating it can be.

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  40. How well I remember those not sure days of hoping and wishing that I was pregnant. Looking for signs, feelings anything! There is always next month...in the meantime keep dreaming sweet dreams of the day you find out that you are to be a mommy...

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  41. Oh god the preggo test wait...i know the feeling. Thankfully for us it happend fast..after 2 months of crying because i got my monthly visit and being all sorts of depressed...we were positive.

    I hope you fast results so you don't have to sit in limbo. Limbo does blow.

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  42. i don't even get the hope from having a late cycle. it just comes on time and laughs in my face. awesome.

    maybe it's for the best though. i'll never be able to stay at home with my kids, so maybe i shouldn't have any.

    i wish you the best.

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  43. I'm so sorry. What a horrible feeling the two week wait already is and then your body goes and prolongs it? What. the. hell.

    I am in the same boat, trying just about as long as you, since May 2008 actively trying, off birth control a year before that. My husband has passed his tests, like holbs. I also have had tests that really don't point in any direction - unexplained infertility, really? On top of it all, I am a nurse specializing in labor & delivery.

    Anyways, I feel like I ran into your blog for a reason. I'm not alone, and it's amazing to realize that. Thank you.

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  44. http://blog.cjanerun.com/2008/07/to-all-my-sisters-who-still-hope.html

    Keep up your HOPE.

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  45. Mollie - Love that cjane, and LOVE that post.

    emily b. - PAYLESS. Right??

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  46. And April, I don't know you but I think I love you. Labor and Delivery on top of all that? The world is so rude sometimes. I mean it.

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  47. Very good article! You also can look at http://exactwatches.blog.com.

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  48. Dand girl, as I read I thought in the end you would say YES I AM.

    Been trying for my last kiddo for 5 years and I just can't get preggo.

    I am so sorry. Keep your chin up and it will happen. I feel it :)

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  49. Very good article! If you have time, just have a look at http://aaareplicawatch.blogspot.com!

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  50. Very good article! If you have time, just have a look at http://goodwatches.blog.com!

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  51. i just found this post via link within and clicked it because the picture was cute.

    so sweet to read this and know that after all that time, perfect little huck came along. :)

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  52. I am here. Right now in my life. You just wrote what has been inside me for months. Since November to be exact. At least I'm not crazy. I'm glad you went through the same internal craziness. Thanks for sharing it all. :)

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  53. i've been following you for a while and i have heard of your blog for several years actually..but for some reason wasn't following you. not sure why?? i am such a loser and have been missing out apparently! i guess i thought i was following you but apparently i wasn't. anyway, these past few months i have decided that you are my absolute favorite blogger. i haven't commented much.. maybe once or twice, but i want you to know how much i appreciate these posts. i too am mormon, i too have been trying to get pregnant for a while. i too have this stupid limbo between being late but not pregnant. and it always comes. it always does. it's so frustrating. my body seems so messed up. my cycles are so out of whack. which is funny because i was never ever irregular until we decided to start trying..but as i have been reading through all your posts about motherhood, i am comforted because i know that i am not alone. i am not the only one who has gone through this. it's only been about 7 or 8 months of trying for me.. and about 30 negative pregnancy tests and 3 ovulation kits. which to some may be nothing..but when you have cousins and friends who get pregnant while on birth control, not trying at all and or with twins it is super frustrating. i am so happy for them. but i am so sad at the same time. i hate feeling that way. but i have come to the conclusion throughout this experience that it doesn't matter if it takes 1 month or 5 years. the minute you decide you are ready to be a mother? is a minute too long of waiting.. i am so impatient. but your blog has helped me so much. my husband graduated from college 2 weeks ago and i didn't think i would be so emotional that morning. but i cried. we have been married for 3 years and it was a long 3 years of full time school. i never thought he would finish.. but i cried and cried when he finally did. it felt... so good. it was such a release. i realized that had he been done with school before we had gotten married? that that good cry would never have come. i never would have felt that.. and i am trying to relate that to having kids.. hopefully the longer journey will make it so much sweeter in the end. sigh. at least i have to tell myself that. anyway, i didn't mean to ramble.. i just think you are darling and so real... and honestly my favorite read out there. thanks for being so open and honest. i love it. you kick ass girl. i wish you the best on your journey for baby #2!

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  54. this is so beautiful and heartbreaking. I don't desire to have children but my brother and his wife have struggled so much I appreciate all topics on such delicate matters.

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