Tour Pathetique

It starts the way it always starts, you know.

And then I wallowed in bed for a bit, throwing pillows at the walls and whining about the injustices of my life.

After my workout I realized I was low on supplies. On my way to the store I passed the pet store and decided to go in, on a whim, because nothing is more cheerful than dogs in cages. And wouldn't you know? There he was, one lone American Eskimo puppy, sitting in the corner of his massive steel cage, and then my heart broke and my eyes welled up and I just felt useless and sad. Did I want to take that puppy home? Hell to the No I did not want to take that puppy home. I want that puppy like I want these cramps, these useless, nothingness cramps. But I did see a startlingly fat gray English Budgie that I decided to name Ernest Borgnine should I ever take him home.

I dragged my sorry self back to the car and drove to the Safeway, passing our favorite nursery which was setting up for Spring.

Our nursery in the parking lot is up! It is Spring! Except in my soul.

is what I texted The Holbs.

I hope he knows to bring me flowers today, I thought but didn't text.

That is just the kind of thing a husband should know.

And then I made the sorry walk of shame to the feminine products aisle and bought my store-brand supplies. (In the multi-pack.) (May as well keep things interesting.) The digital ovulation predictor kits were right by the tampons. So I bought one of those too. Because apparently you can't keep a good horse down. Indomitable Human Spirit. Or something.

And then something happened inside my body, wherein my fluctuating hormones spoke to my soul, which in turn messaged my brain, which then made my feet carry me to the floral department, at which point I bought an azalea tree and some blue hydrangeas.

Holbs: Scratch the flowers. I did it myself. And then some.

As I paid for my tampons, my ovulation predictors, and a bushel of aromatic, springtime blooms, it occurred to me how much of a cliche I was. I even had the hormonal break out on my cheek. All I was missing was the chocolate bar. I mean, could I get any less original?

And then I drove home with my azaleas, my tampons, my ovulation predictors, and my hydrangeas.

My car smelled delicious.


  1. I remembered this line from "Friends", when Phoebe is trying to get pregnant by in-vitro; she asks how she could improve her chances and her brother answers: "Why don't we get her drunk? It worked for a bunch of girls in my class."
    I was seriously trying to think of something to say that could help you out... but I have no idea.
    Just know, it will happen.
    And it will happen when the time is right. Probably very soon :)
    Good luck

  2. I am so sorry!!! I keep thinking any month you will be posting some good news. Keeps me coming back....that and the fact that I love your brutally honest with loads of humor posts.

    Nothing I can say will make you feel better, but I do know how you feel. I spent a lot of months complaining about the unfairness of it all...cried many a time to the husband that it wasn't fair that those crack whores could get pregnant and I couldn't....what more did I have to do..and on and on. It's like your life is somewhat on hold while everything revolves around getting pregnant. If you ever need someone to chat infertility with I'm willing and able.

  3. mother effing uterus


    yes so, red iguana, i've never been there. and i am EXXXcited.

  4. Hi Natalie,
    It was fun chatting with you last weekend. But I realllllly enjoyed getting to know you through your blog. I wish I could be as open (transparent?) or whatever you want to call it as you are. I just don't seem to have it in me though. I will say, as one of those (hopefully someday menopausal women) life can definitely be hard at times...or we don't always get our first choice, but mostly I would say, now is the real thing. Had I known then what I know now, I would have enjoyed the ride.. I know you know what I'm talking about, it was so strange coming back after 30 years. Anyway sorry for rambling, you are so adorable! Hope to see you at Farm Chicks and I love love love your onesies!

  5. hopped on over from Kelly's blog...and I'm with Kalli "stupid uterus!" but I say that in a peeved whisper so Miss Uterus doesn't hear my hostile tone!

    Reading through some of your posts before commenting I must say I dig your blog and your wit.

    I will be back.


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