4.16.2010

A Treatise On Emesis



The day started out like any other Thursday.

(Do you see me building intrigue here?)

Let it be known that usual Thursdays include: sleeping in until I don't want to anymore, waking up and wondering what I will wear, wandering into the bathroom to brush my teeth . . .

As I finished brushing I turned on the warm water to rinse. Any self respecting person will rinse their mouth with warm water. Isn't cold water rude? As I turned on the warm faucet it occurred to me that warm water sounded really awful.  No big deal, I thought, I'll just turn on the cold. See? Problem solved. I am such a problem solver these days.

I rinsed my mouth and then had to decide whether to brush my tongue. I hate deciding about brushing my tongue. I used to always brush my tongue but lately the still small voice has told me not to. But desperate times and all of that. And I gagged, as one does. No big deal, I survived it.

So, tongue brushed, gag survived, life goes on.

But!

Something went weird. Suddenly everything was wrong and nothing was right. Suddenly the world turned wonky and I felt as though I would never feel happiness again. My inside rumbled. My arms turned cold and shaky. The temperature in my head went up thirty degrees, while the temperature in my feet plummeted. I started seeing spots.

My stomach sent a signal to my brain. It said,

"BRAIN! SHALL WE SEND IT UP?"

To which my brain responded emphatically,

"No! No! No! Oh, no!"

I had to sit down. Then I had to lie down. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the toilet. The toilet was smiling at me.

Twenty years . . . twenty years and this was how it was all to end? On a Thursday? Over tongue brushing? It all seemed so wrong. And yet so inevitable. And . . . oh but then my wits were returned and I remembered that I am the one in control here! ME!

I immediately went away to my happy place (Julie Andrews in her nightgown under that ridiculously fluffy gold duvet and green and white drapes).

Then I found and devoured half a sleeve of Ritz Crackers.

Then I prayed mightily for deliverance!







I will pause for a moment to allow the suspense to build!








Well, I didn't puke.

Does it seem like all of my stories are anticlimactic these days?

And now I am wondering,
where can one find amazing gold duvets like those anymore?

28 comments :

  1. Urgh. Puking. As for your last question, you've got a sewing machine! Make one. Also, you should buy fabric, make it into drapes, and then decide you want clothing, and make the clothing out of the drapes. It's the most efficient way I can think of to get some new duds. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had to avoid the dentist while I was pregnant for that very reason, and I am one who LOVES going to the dentist. It was very disheartening. But it went away as soon as that baby made an appearance. It's their way of telling you that THEY are actually the ones in control for a while. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. nat!! you are a silly gal....
    ps....you should start to make dog clothes

    ReplyDelete
  4. You haven't puked in twenty years?? Thats crazy!! Your posts always make me laugh. Thank you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. They're not THAT ridiculous...

    ...Are they?

    I mean...not like I have one or anything...I'm just saying...

    No really. I don't have one...promise

    ReplyDelete
  6. surprise vomits are the worst... my niece surprised vomited down my legs and on my feet the other day, on minutes hugging my let the next... let me just say she pretty much had cherry tomatoes and milk for lunch, not pretty :s

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow twenty years! Thats my life! You're really lucky I had the puke monster wicked bad when I was pregnant.

    I have a cousin that pukes at every family event....I was the idiot who had her in my wedding.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That will SO be me when I'm pregnant. I haven't thrown up since I was probably five. I will NOT let it happen when I'm pregnant... I hope. Good luck not puking. If you can do it, there's a chance I can too when the time comes.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am with you on the debilitating terror of puking. I went about 6 years puke free (and that included a pregnancy) and one day my toddler decided to pick up a pukey virus. As if cleaning up his puke wasn't bad enough, two days later, I too had the dreaded pukiness settle over me. And you know what? After it was all done, I realized it wasn't as bad as I was sure it was going to be.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I thought I was the only person on earth who prefers rinsing one's mouth with warm water. I've been made fun of for it, even. And I'm sure nothing shy of a fetus within my womb will ever change that. I cannot rinse with cold water when warm is an option.

    I'm so glad you didn't puke! And I'm so jealous of you that you've gone 2- years (and counting!) without vomiting. Oh, but I'm jealous! I think that's totally brag-worthy. Hey, didn't Seinfeld go years and years without puking? That sounds familiar. (Oh, I love how episodes of Seinfeld make their way into my noggin on a daily basis, without much provocation...)

    Anyway, cheers to you, Natalie. Hip, hip!

    ReplyDelete
  11. PS And brushing my tongue may just be the consistently worst part of my day. Just sayin'. (I can't NOT brush my tongue, but I hate doing it all the same...)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Morning sickness is awesome especially when it makes you feel pukey and with nothing to show for it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I could hardly read your post because you mentioned puke so many times. I get nauseous with my migraines and I'm always so scared that I'll puke, but usually it's just this horrid lying on the floor and talking myself out of it.

    Glad you made it though.

    ReplyDelete
  14. oh, you didn't know??? You're NOT supposed to brush your tongue while in the throws of morning sickness. It causes unpleasant trips to the toilet... :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. We are definitely related in that "not at all related" Holbrook way!!

    I was like you ... a long time of not puking ... although mine was 13 years ~ 1 month. That time was senior year of high school, Super Bowl party - bad food.

    This time was a random Friday at the beginning of March.

    It was disgusting - obviously.

    The only thing that I can say was a perk is that I no longer am scared about throwing up. It just is what it is - gross but temporary.

    ReplyDelete
  16. On a Thursday?! I'm glad you prevailed against the puke.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I HATE throwing up!!! Yuck! As a kid, my mom told me that my sis would get sick, throw up and feel better, but me? I would SUFFER rather than throw up! Nasty! I wish I could say I have made it 20 years, but no dice. At least you evaded the evil toothbrush!

    ReplyDelete
  18. LOL So glad you avoided the dreaded P word this time! Good luck & blessings that it will continue to be avoided!!!! : )

    ReplyDelete
  19. I feel your pain. Did you know that there is a REAL live phobia of throwing up? I have it too. So does my friend Sara. We talk about how people really don't understand how much it actually terrifies us. In every. single. way. YUCK. Glad you didn't.

    ReplyDelete
  20. You do know that small children tend to puke? like a lot- And just for a random piece of information thrown out you shouldn't brush right after the barf- it'll etch your teeth in but not in a pretty christmas glass way.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Another vomit-phobic here *shudder*

    Everytime I was pregnant, I KNEW I was (even before the double lines) because of my gag reflux brushing my teeth... PLEASE promise you won't brush your tongue until your at least 14 weeks!

    Whatcha gonna do when the kid pukes? My 1 yo spewed all over me last weekend :\ I spent the next 3 hours on the couch gaining control over my own puking center.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh God I hate throwing up. I was ill at christmas, and gosh it wasn't pretty. I wouldn't say I had a phobia but I just hate it so much; the shivering, the shaking, the cold sweats. And yes, throwing a sickie can be fun, but not when you feel queasy every 5 minutes and can't eat solids for that reason! And wow and I thought my 4 year break was a long time!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Lol. When I was pregnant, Ritz crackers saved me from puking many, many times as well.

    ReplyDelete
  24. The DAY after I found out I was pregnant with Camryn, I was in the shower, and suddenly my otherwise benign body wash started to smell "off." Then I started to feel "off," in a BIG way. I leapt out of the shower, huddled on the floor of the bathroom, breathed deeply, and pleaded through clenched teeth for Karl to go fetch me some saltines and a Sprite. He did, then asked through a crack in the bathroom door if he could sit with me. I shrieked as quickly as possible, "NO!!! SHUT THE DOOR!" then went back to breathing, nibbling, sipping, and PLEADING with the Lord to make the pukiness go away. And finally it did--through a miracle of God or just my freaking awesome willpower. 19 years, baby!!! NINETEEN YEARS!!!! And that's through TWO pregnancies.

    I swear, though--if Camryn pukes on me, it'll be all over. No more love between Mama and Little Bundle Boo. That child will be raising herself from that moment on!!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. You lucky girl! Aren't you almost out of the first trimester?! It's sooooo not fair that you even have a *choice* in the matter-- I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm happy that you were spared the rudeness of barfing, but shouldn't it be a prerequisite for pregnancy? At least it would make the rest of us who puked every day of their pregnancy feel a little better. Hmph.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Whew! The suspense almost did me in!

    ReplyDelete
  27. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Congratulations!!! I went through the same hell this morning when I decided to brush my tongue (over seconds of deliberation) and I failed!!! Lucky you! The toilet laughed at me all day long, so I was forced to use a different one... and I'm already halfway into the second trimester! I refuse to brush my tongue EVER AGAIN until this baby pops out...

    ReplyDelete

Comments are moderated because mama ain't no fool.