An Epic Story Of Sneakers And Spouses

My running days are numbered, is what I realized today.

I caught a glimpse of my side profile in the window of a parked car on my run today and had to stop, because, who is that pregnant woman? Also, running with this belly is awkward, try as I might to pretend like it isn't.

So anyway, here comes a very long but hopefully at least mildly entertaining story.

A few weeks ago I lost my sneakers. I searched for them for weeks, but they continued to be lost to my soul.

So the following Saturday I announced that we would be taking a trip to find replacement sneaks, forthwith and expediently, and that price was to be no issue!

My husband really excels where athletic matters are concerned, and he tossed those blindingly white sneaks at me as fast as I could try them on and reject them.  Each pair was just wrong.  Oh Brandon! I wailed. Brandon, I will need a taco after this!

Anyway, I didn't want new sneaks, I wanted my sneaks.

Finally at the Famous Footwear something happened deep within me and I fell in love with a pair of really horrible schlocky marketing shoes.

And thus I talked myself into the dorkiest purchase ever made in the Holbrook house of ever.

Even The Holbsdork was supportive.

"They make you look really tall."

So up he went up to the cash register to pah for my Frankenstein shoes, and once I got home I just had these dorky shoes staring at me from their box, and still no sneaks. It really felt like a tall-inducing consolation prize, is what.

That Monday it was time to put those dork shoes to use and let my Holbsdork accompany me and the dorkdogs on the very most windy and torrential walk of our lives.  There really was something about that Monday that hinted at plague and pestilence and the wrath of God but I tried not to think about it, on account of I had to really focus in order to not fall off of my shoes. And then I realized, curses from Heaven or not, I kind of liked those Frankenstein shoes, and I was glad I got them.

I was also glad whenever we walked under a tunnel, because once we were inside Brandon would recite Lionel Richie song lyrics. Does he get his wires crossed in tunnels? What happened to him in there? Is it me you're looking for?

When we got home, that's when I saw my sneaks.

In my closet.

With my other shoes.

Where they belonged.



  1. Are you saying you are a 'FITNESS JUNKIE' now Nat!?

    Can you powerwalk down hills in those shoes?!

    As a runner I am both laughing at and sympathetic to your plight. You poor dear.

    (You do realize that you need two pair of shoes if you exercise daily...Shoes need a day to 'recover'...You alternate them. Just saying...In case there was another color of Frankensneaks that caught your eye, and you needed a good argument to convince the Holbster...Who will inevitabley say it's a marketing scam generated by the shoe industry.)

  2. You purchased those weirdo Sketchers, huh? I could never. (But also, they'd make me something like 9 feet tall, as I'm already 5'11" barefoot.) I'm happy you're happy with your Frankenstein shoe purchase, though. And also that you found your beloved sneaks.

    And guess what? You mentioned TACO, and now I want one. But it sounds appropriate for Cinco de Mayo, am I right?

  3. That's how it always happens. You lose something, you buy a new one, you immediately find the lost one. ALWAYS! :)

  4. I have been side-eyeing those weird butt-shoes for weeks. Perhaps you would like company in dork-ville?

  5. Same story. With my student I.D. Urgh. Bye-bye fifteen dollars.

  6. Okay--#1, I KNEW INSTANTLY what shoes you bought just by their very description!!! And while I've mocked them with glee, I've also been chastened by one Karl Taylor, who reports that his coworkers own AND love them--they're apparently very comfy. So, I've repented. And am wondering just HOW comfortable they might be...and how much they cost....

    And #2--there is absolutely NO REASON why, both times I've been pregnant, my butt gets bigger. Um, hello?!? Waistline, okay. Boobs, understandable. But my butt? What does my butt have to do with growing a baby?!? I don't need the extra padding, thanks!!!

    (It WILL go back to normal with some effort, but still. The most mortifying and demoralizing experience in life is growing out of your MATERNITY JEANS. As if they're not big enough already!! It leads one to add interesting four-letter words to one's vocabulary. And more acreage to one's butt.)

  7. I have the shape upy thingy shoes too, but the reeboks so i'm only a tad taller... but i love them and so does my bum!

    don't u love it when hubbys "clean"- nothing is ever in the right place, most of the time it's just hidden or in the garbage!

  8. Oh I love this! I wish I could run, but since I never really ran before getting pregnant (except when I got excited or needed to burn off a random burst of energy) I'm not allowed to, says Ms. Doctor Lady. So I go swimming instead, which luckily does not require shoes...

  9. I was contemplating those shoes...but the reebok ones. Everyone on the commercial just looks so fit, but I do love my running shoes. I use them JUST for running. I don't want them to wear out with the all the time usage. Because I adore it sad that we have a love affair with our sneaks?

  10. Oh delightful how you make a simple shoe story so entertaining! You truly make me smile.

    I considered buying some Frankenshoes, but couldn't bare to spend the money when I saw what they looked like. Reebok, however, has some fancy-shmancy walking shoes too and they look much "cooler," if you will, and I'm still contemplating them. But I'm sure my Hubs is thinking there's no way we're spending THAT much on shoes. Pshhh! Men!

  11. Oh, people, don't do it! If you want some AWESOME running shoes, go minimalist - like Vibram Five Fingers or Puma H-Streets. There are some other brands without the finger-toes. I gave up those built-up tanks of shoes a year ago and there is amazing value in running in something less extreme. You have to ease into them because our leg muscles have to adjust, but it's so much healthier for your feet and legs in the long run. My buddy runs LOOOONG races in them and swears by them:

    I run in VFFs and love them, but that was after six-seven pair of $150+ top of the line running shoes (Asics, Saucony, etc.)

  12. Sorry Nat- running is lame and I'm sure I'd never do it unless there was a scary man, whom I was sure I couldn't take out, with a knife or a gun. Then I'd consider the whole running thing. However, swimming while gestating is much gentler to the whole uterus complex. no shoes required.

    p.s. please give a recommend on the frankenshoes- do they really make you work harder while walking? Is it really like walking with weights? please enlighten me

  13. I loved this story. It made me laugh. :-)

  14. teehee - because I've been in a similar situation with things going missing after a cleaning spree, my first thought was, "Did you check the shoe rack?" Then I thought not to be silly of course they wouldn't be there. "The dogs probably hid them under the couch," I thought. Whoops!

    : )

  15. Heehee your post is the story of my life! We have to clean up every Wednesday for baby therapy and it takes months to find things we "put away", I find tiny baby clothes in the weirdest places.

    So those shoes....can we get a picture of you in them heehee
    I'm a crusader for exercising during pregnancy. You keep it up!!

  16. you ran in those shape ups!? How is that possible? I have been curious as to their cellulite magic eraser powers, will you keep me posted on this, so I can know if I should get me some of those>? My swimsuites would really appreciate it and so would the rest of the people on the beach!

  17. AnonymousMay 06, 2010

    nat, but what kind did of shape-ups did you get??

    dish it! :)

    xo, em

  18. All I have to say about the butt thing is...squats. They are good for pregnancies too helps to loosen everything up in the hip area and get you ready for the ultimate marathon of birth (I say that with a positive heart). The more you do the better you will feel...guaranteed! I loved them when I was pregnant!

  19. AnonymousMay 06, 2010

    wow. um, what i meant was...

    'nat, but what kind of shape-ups did you get??'

    apparently i think 'did' goes just about everywhere...oy.


Comments are moderated because mama ain't no fool.