4.25.2012

ON JUMPING

headband via thief and bandit
photos via rebecca baust

this afternoon i took a little photo of my stack of purchases as we waited to be rung up at the drug store. 

it's called duane reade, this drugstore. it's a chain out here, and one time when my sister was visiting and we were racing across town in a cab she peered out the window and scoffed, "dwaahhnnnn. even your drug stores sound fancy," and then i laughed because it's duane as in dwayne wayne and no, it's not fancy. 

even as i was taking the photo i rolled my eyes at myself. for one thing, what in heaven's name was i going to do with that photo? for another thing, i was sure it was obvious to anybody walking past the register what all was going on in my life these days by the looks of that pile. it was one of those piles, you see.

the more i thought about it on the walk home, the more i knew there was something in that pile that i needed to make peace with. generally when i feel this tugging i'll head to my computer to drill it down into something i can see and make sense of. but this was something i didn't want to have to write about anymore. i started pushing the stroller faster, like i could out run it. but still, this tugging. tug tug tug.

and so, here i am. again. this topic. 

a twelve-pack of diet coke, upon which sat a seven-pack of ovulation predictors, a two-pack of pregnancy tests, a kit kat bar, and then a little bag of clomid like the sad little cherry on top. to the side, about seven million fruit squeezies for evenings when huck's plant intake has been too low for my liking.

oh, that stupid pile.

i am that pile. that pile is me. everything in my life in one lump sum of drug store products. hopes, dreams, successes, failures. that pile was solid ground and that pile was the edge of the cliff. 'cause this is it. that pile is the ledge i am about to jump off of, eyes shut tight, fingers crossed for luck. my legs are ready, but i have no idea where i'll land.
  
i'm worried it won't work. what if it fails and something more invasive is required to get my body to do what it's supposed to want to do on its own? i don't like that idea. but if i don't try i'll never know, though some days i'm not sure i really want to know. 

and those squeezies. they remind me that this time it is different. this time i have a baby. i'm already a mother, negative results can't take that away. so the stakes are much lower now. this is not 2009. i have fought this and won this before, and there's no reason i can't fight it again. but i have such a hard time remembering this, even though i feel so strongly there's another one waiting for me. weirdly, i feel like i've known this second baby for a while. since the day i found out huck was going to be a boy, i've felt this second presence with me. i know it's worth the jump. 

that little pile today. i hated that pile even while i felt oddly proud of it. that pile is me. my every worry laid bare. that pile has the potential to change my life. i think i'm ready to find out how. 

so here i go.
i'm about to jump. 

147 comments :

  1. You are a beautiful person. A beautiful writer.

    And my fingers are so crossed for you, girl.

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  2. sending h a p p y and p o s i t i v e vibes your way!!!

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  3. Such an honest post. I can say that I really appreciate you sharing this. There are so many women, myself included, that are really encouraged by your honesty Nat. For some reason, I think we can find hope in knowing we are not alone-it gives ladies (like myself) encouragement to gird up and do the same. I am sending you my prayers as you jump.
    ~ashton

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  4. sending you all the well wishes, good luck, juju and spirit fingers one can muster up for you!

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  5. From one broken body to another, may you find peace in knowing that YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made. Also, you might enjoy a bit of encouragement (and humor!) in this piece-
    http://tinyurl.com/77khgdm

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  6. I am so thrilled for you! Lots of prayers being sent your way. :)

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  7. Fingers crossed. Prayers said. Jump sweetheart. You've got lots of love to help you up if you need it.

    Beautiful writing.

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  8. Good juju sent. And prayers, too. Here's hoping that the Clomid turns from a sad cherry into a glorious cherry on top of everything you're yearning for!

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  9. i am on that same journey, sending so many good vibes and prayers to you!

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  10. I've seen that same pile. From the DC to the fertility drugs. I haven't been so lucky yet, but I understand every single word of this post. And I am sending everything I have your way. I'm excited for you and this opportunity.

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  12. Nat, if I ever get to be a mom, I hope I'm a mom like you.

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  13. goosebumps...that's how good this story and your writing is. wow. good juju being sent!

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  14. I literally just described this same feeling to my sister in law via text. I DEFINITELY feel my un-concieved second baby's soul tugging at my womb, wanting to exist. I wish it was the right time. I wonder if this feeling is very common then, it must be real if more are feeling it than just myself.

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  15. positive thoughts on their way!

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  16. Prayin for you over here
    Emily from The Lovely Things

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  17. i give you more than good juju...i give you killer nerd threads for future baby #2, to have something silly on the horizon: http://mashable.com/2012/04/25/geeky-baby-clothes/#604171-Accio-Milk (the HP and labyrinth ones slay me. whose baby doesn't need a little david bowie in their life?)

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  18. I am sending good vibes your way mama. I love how you write and how honest you are to all your readers, and yourself. So many people blog about unicorns and gumdrops, but you know what, that's not all there is to life, nor does that help up grow or move forward.

    You are one heck of a mama and I know you feel frightened and scared and anxious and nervous, but these are all good feelings, in a way, and everything WILL work out in the end.

    xo, amanda

    http://mamawatters.blogspot.com

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  19. Oh Natalie, your willingness to share your raw emotions with the world brings me to tears. I am keeping you in my prayers. Hoping another little nugget will be coming your way so soon!

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  20. Just started reading your blog, and I enjoy it so much. Sending good vibes your way.

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  21. Fingers crossed extra tight for you (throat is a little tight over here as well, because good golly am I learning what it's like to feel the way you do right now). Close your eyes and jump, and you'll land right where you're supposed to.

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  22. You got this :-)
    p.s. new reader of your blog, love it.

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  23. you have way more guts than me! I can't admit it to myself or anyone else but we're jumping soon too... like tomorrow. It's terrifying and weird. I said to my husband "we don't have to plan or track just live our lives" I just don't know how i'm going to make that a reality... how do you want a baby and not try for it? not think about it? Last time it took a long time, thankfully not long enough to have to seek out a doctor's help, but long enough to really question the way my body works.
    I'll wish you good luck if you wish it back :)

    love sam

    whiteleygang.blogspot.com

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  24. Oh I know that pile. Intimately. I know you do too. I'm praying for you.

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  25. I love your writing. You are truly inspirational. I'll be praying for you as well as sending good juju your way {unless they're the same thing?} You are one of my greatest examples!

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  26. Juju and prayers sent for you ;)And that pile isn't the only thing that represents you- look at your hubby and child- they do too!

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  27. Sending prayers your way. No juju necessary;)

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  28. Fingers crossed and prayers being said.

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  29. you are so brave :) all of my good thoughts your way...this is your time!!!! :)

    xoxo, emily b.

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  30. I'm sending some good juju to you! (and some prayers, too, of course)

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  31. Yea!! Excited for you guys!!

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  32. Best of luck. Just take it one step at a time and you'll be ok.

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  33. I've been there and it's terrifying. I pray that your body does what it should and can do. You're an awesome mom, Huck could do no better and baby number 2 is lucky to have you.

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  34. This was my pile two days ago. At my pharmacy they make you push a giant red button to unlock the family planning cabinet- yes, i push the button for an ovulation kit, and over the intercom we ALL hear, assistance in family planning needed. Hello, security guard, could you kindly unlock the key to my future. Thank you.

    I'm with you, sister.

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  35. such an honest portrayal....one day you'll be so glad you documented these feelings..whether it be public or private...our minds do forget...and sometimes it's good to capture it while you can..thanks for sharing.

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  36. I literally just crossed my fingers and prayed. We're with you, every single one of us here in the comment section!

    PS: Beautiful writing.

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  37. so perfectly honest and beautiful! you can do this...i believe in you!

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  38. Jump away, Ms. Natalie.

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  39. you are ever so lovely. sending you love and well wishes across the wide ocean of the internets. xxo

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  40. I bore my soul about out pregnancy battle a few weeks ago. It's no easy thing. Wishing you all the best.
    xoxo

    http://www.kellywestover.com/2012/04/our-pregnancy-battle.html

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  41. Jump, jump! My husband and I both dreamed about a pretty blond baby girl early in our marriage. After three years of trying to get pregnant, we got a pretty blond baby boy! And five years after that, after lots of praying and frustration and doctor bills, we got our big-eyed, curly-haired blond baby girl. We don't know if there are more babies waiting for us, but we know that if there are, someone will let us know and it will all work out somehow.

    It will all work out somehow. xoxo

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  42. i love your posts, so honest and beautifully written. i am sending good vibes your way, fingers crossed for you!

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  43. that was really such beautiful writing, natalie.. i am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you as you make this leap, in hopes that you land softly and happily.

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  44. "In this world you've just got to hope for the best and prepare for the worst and take whatever God sends." - Lucy Maud Montgomery, author of Anne of Green Gables

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  45. wishing you the best, natalie. i don't often feel compelled to leave comments (so many blogs...so little time) but i couldn't not add my good wishes. thank you for putting yourself out there. good juju sent. fingers crossed.

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  46. I'm sending good thoughts your way because I am where you are right now and I know the heartbreak of trying and failing. Only, I don't already have one child. I am still, still struggling to conceive even one. So it might be hard for me for awhile to read your blog, even though I like coming here. Because I don't know if I can stomach reading about this topic from someone who already has what I want - one child. I like you but I'm going to say farewell for awhile I think.

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  47. I have every confidence you will have another baby. I hope you get your girl too! But if you get another little man I will tell you as the mother of two boys and watching them together...brothers are pretty amazing. Let's put it this way, boy or girl - you win either way :)
    Best of luck to you!

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  48. Thinking about you, praying for you, and as always, admiring you and your courage. You can do this, Natalie. Before I even read this post {your way with words never fails to amaze me} that photo of you and Huck made me teary. Just beautiful. I'm wishing you the very best of luck in your journey to meet your second baby.

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  49. Natalie, have you read this book?
    http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Fertility-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0060881909/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
    (Taking Charge of Your Fertility...if that link didn't work)
    I know numerous people who swear by it after long bouts of infertility.
    Much good juju is being sent your way!

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  50. this post gave me goosebumps. you are so brave and just knowing you are meant to have another almost confirms that you most definitely will. sending you tons and tons of good juju :)

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  51. I am praying for you, things will work out! you are so wonderful for sharing your journey and being so open!

    http://gandacummings.blogspot.com

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    1. Starting the same thing for the 4th time. :-( Hang in there!

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  52. All the luck and blessings in the world.

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  53. Nat, I feel you 100%. We had our first 15 months ago after three harrowing rounds of IVF. (I so agree that 2009 was just the absolute worst.) Now we're starting to talk about #2, and I am just crossing my fingers that maybe we'll catch a break. They never found anything wrong after all, although after three years of negative pregnancy tests it was pretty clear that *something* wasn't right.

    Good luck and blessings and good juju all around. Maybe the universe will go easy on us this time around. And having been down that other ravine, it's really not that bad. It could never be as bad as it was in 2009 because we both already have a sweet baby to make it all ok.

    You have given me courage to go out and buy my own drugstore pile. Thank you, and keep us posted.

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  54. GOOD JUJU FOR YOU!!!
    Also thanks for the info on the headband :)

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  56. read this and have a feeling it will be a girl

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  57. Good luck! Lots of prayers coming your way. If another round is necessary (and I hope that it isn't) http://cheap-pregnancy-tests.com/ saved me some $$. :)

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  59. Long time reader, first time commenting. Your passion for life, your courage and your absolute joy at being a mama shine through in every post you write. You have the strength to leap and what appears to be a pretty solid net of support to catch you, regardless of where you fall. I'll be crossing everything for you that it's the right side of the fall.

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  60. your words struck me to my very core. i walked this journey a few years ago, and it was the darkest time of my life. thank you for putting into words what my heart has needed to say this whole time. while we never got pregnant, God blessed our lives with a beautiful two month old baby girl that we adopted :) she is the love our life and to have her in our home is beyond a miracle. thank you for your honesty and your openness about what you're going through. it helps us all feel that we're connected and that we're not alone. God bless you as you "take the jump"!!!

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  61. I have the same pile! You are not alone!

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  62. I read your blog all the time now. I just have to tell you, that I, too, struggled to get pregnant with my first (who is the same age, almost to the week in October, as Huck!). It took years, and I was in despair about the whole thing (2009 was incredibly dark for me as well). And then, we got pregnant with our second by accident, on the first try! Seriously, it was so easy that I was incredulous. I couldn't believe that after trying so many years for our first that our second would happen by accident! He was born 2 weeks ago, and is perfectly happy and healthy.

    So, just keep praying and believe, it does happen. A lot of the time, problems that can keep one from GETTING pregnant are rectified by BEING pregnant and breastfeeding! Who knows, God might surprise you!

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  63. Thanks for this. Love you, gurl.

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  64. what an especially beautiful and well-written post. best wishes as you make your "jump". i love reading your gurgly baby posts and hope to read many more in the future!

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  65. I wish I could give you some aww inspiring wisdom here to make you feel better I can't, but I'm sure you are giving so many women hope and aww inspiring words. Like always I wish I could write half as well as you can, I feel as if you write so effortlessly it's amazing.

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  66. Good Juju to you! I know this is going to happen. Oddly, I just do.

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  67. Dear Nat, I don't know you, but this post brought me one step closer. My heart ached for you and I know on your way down one of those ravines your heart will grow wings because god wants you to have an experience. All the best.

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  68. Good luck with everything. I hope that you get pregnant quickly, and if you don't, I hope that you have the strength to do whatever needs to happen to get you there, which you already know you have from the first time.

    I am also about to take the jump into trying to get pregnant. My husband and I are going to start trying for reals later this month. I ditched the birth control pills in November and I have been charting just to see what is up...but my luteal phase is still too short as well, by quite a bit. I am hoping and praying that it will sort itself out and that my body just needs some time to get over the 8 years it spent on the pill....but I am scared that it wont sort itself out and that it will be hard to get pregnant. That scares me so much, because I have always known I wanted children and now that we are ready I am afraid it wont happen easily.

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  69. Good luck good luck good luck. Courage and faith!!!!

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  70. What a beautiful post! I just know that it will all work out for you. Xo

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  71. Baby girl with hot pink salt water sandals coming your way.;)

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  72. the best of luck and positive energy! :-) it will come in God's time. :-)

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  73. but, but...you're not just that pile! i suppose you may know yourself better than i do, but when i read that sentence i couldn't help but think that you're so much more than that. remember that post, a long, long time ago, when you said your dad said something to you about your mom and it really stuck with you. he said something along the lines of "natalie, your mother has built me the most beautiful life". i know i'm paraphrasing horribly, but i really think you'll know what i'm talking about. and see natalie - that's you. sure, you love diet coke and your fertility and quest to be a mother has had a profound effect on you. but you're also a wife, a devoted wife, a girl who loves and knows fashion, a mother who is an expert on babies, a woman who can make brussels sprouts taste good, a very accomplished writer. and more. and, well...i just don't see it all in that pile. i don't see all that. and i don't want you to forget those things.

    i know you're scared, and i wish you the very, very best in this new journey. we'll be here for you no matter the case.

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  74. Crossing those fingers! You can do it.

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  75. Then let's jump together, because I'm finally ready to do this thing called "trying." Gulp.

    (But not together, together. Because that wouldn't actually give either of us a baby.)

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  76. Colleen said it beautifully- you are *not* just that pile, but that pile does reflect the overwhelming parts of your life in this moment, this day. You are a thousand wonderful, terrible things all which have nothing to do with the "sad cherry on top".

    Now, with all of that said and done- ~*BABYDUST!!!!!*~

    Good ju-ju comin' your way.

    <3

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  77. Dear Nat, my best friend had this very same problem. I had it too, but to a much lesser degree, so I could relate to her anguish at least in some way. She went through years of tests, invasive procedures, and medicines. For you, I pray that you are given easier blessings. jb

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  78. I have a friend who went to great lengths to have her first, fertility drugs, the whole works. And then quite by accident they had another...and another...and then she naturally conceived quads WHILE on birth control (two didn't develop but she recently delivered a healthy set of twins at home)...the human body is a tricky and miraculous thing. I don't know the circumstances of your struggle with infertility, but this friend of mine has FIVE children when she didn't think she was going to get one. This makes me feel sad that I've taken for granted how easy it's been for me but your honesty and your optimism are incredibly touching and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, Nat!

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  79. Sadly, I know your pile like the back of my elbow, right along with the yucky self deprecating feelings it comes with. That little bag of clomid doesn't make you any less deserving or able to rock the poop out of pregnancy and motherhood, I'll have you know it! But you know that already. :) Go ahead and jump- I bet your landing feels a lot softer this time around, what with fruit squeezies and baby rolls to wallow in. <3 You got this, Ma! ;)

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  80. I have a friend who went to great lengths to have her first, fertility drugs, the whole works. And then quite by accident they had another...and another...and then she naturally conceived quads WHILE on birth control (two didn't develop but she recently delivered a healthy set of twins at home)...the human body is a tricky and miraculous thing. I don't know the circumstances of your struggle with infertility, but this friend of mine has FIVE children when she didn't think she was going to get one. This makes me feel sad that I've taken for granted how easy it's been for me but your honesty and your optimism are incredibly touching and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, Nat!

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  81. I have a lump in my throat and wells in my eyes.
    Natalie, I'm sending you love, luck and positivity. Even though you have 1 beautiful baby that feeling of another soul waiting for you is what you have to hang on to, that is your sign of things to come.
    Best wishes xx

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  82. Sending my love to you! I love how brave and open you are with the world. You wear your heart on your sleeve and it lifts me up.

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  84. Ahhh I love your honesty. Makes me feel normal. Ill send a prayer your way :)

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  85. Thinking of you. And it will happen.

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  86. You had me at kit kat bar!!!! It will HAPPEN!!! Keep your chin up, positive thoughts and heck the kit kat bars can't hurt either!!! :)

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  87. OH, what a beautiful, beautiful post. Thoughts, prayers, and hugs headed your way. <3

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  88. Oh that old devil clomid! The mood swings, the hot flashes. But it got me a baby, it will for you too.

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  89. I LOVE your essays. They are so personal and beautiful and human. Many prayers are heading your way! You can do it!

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  90. Sending you hugs and luck. Thank you for such a personal, sweet post.

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  91. "[...]i'm staring down the edge and i'm gulping and i'm struggling to tame my jagged breathing and i'm scared. i'm scared to jump. i'm afraid of landing wrong."

    So, so beautifully written.

    There are always times in life when we're terrified of landing wrong and so we're crippled by and paralysed with fear, because WHAT IF.

    Sending shiny, happy vibes and prayers your way. You can do this. God willing all will work out wonderfully and He will guide you in the journey.

    Hugs!!

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  92. Two things. One: you should order those tests online. Amazon or eBay. You can get them for pennies a piece and can pee on them without worry of costs. And they're very, very reliable. Two: have you read the book Taking Charge of Your Fertilty? Amazing. It should be required reading for ALL women. While I don't struggle with infertility, I've had a lot of women in my life that have/do and FOUR of them have been successful because of this book. Four. It's work, but it works. My heart goes out to you and your desires to fill your womb. May you have peace and happiness in your efforts.

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  93. So beyond beautiful. Everything you create is beautiful. Babies included.

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  94. So beyond beautiful. Everything you create is beautiful. Babies included.

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  95. Everything I have is crossed for you as well as prayers, juju, good energy, all of that. For me I felt the longing even stronger for #2 because I so desperately wanted to give my daughter a sibling. I understand. God IS on your side.

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  96. It's so weird to hear you talk about "failing" at getting pregnant, making a family, all of those things. I would have never, ever thought of it (not being able to get pregnant) as failing. It seems like something that is meant to happen or not meant to happen. It's not like you did something wrong therefore you fail at getting pregnant, you know?

    I guess it's just sort of a weird concept for me because my failures are more centered around things that are completely up to me. I can do them and I can try hard and I have the power to succeed or I can not try and not work hard and fail. Graduate law school, pass the bar, get a job, etc. I could legitimately fail at those things and it would be all my fault. Your failure is not really yours. It's something bigger.

    I don't know if that sounded rude or condescending or anything like that, I just re-read and thought that someone could read it to me, but it wasn't meant to be. I promise, so much. It was meant to be sort of re-assuring, that you're doing all the things you can, and even if another baby doesn't happen, like you said, at least you have your beautiful son. You are really blessed. And I will be sending you sooooo many fertile thoughts and prayers!! :)

    By the way, I just can't even imagine the cuteness that would be Huck as a big brother. Love love!

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  97. Good luck! Tell the Holbs good luck too! Too bad Duane Reade doesn't have an intimate section- You could have added that to the pile as well!

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  98. Wishing you the best of luck with this leg of your journey. Like you, I'm a mom of a toddler, for whom time is precious, so I'm not inclined to scan the 102 comments that precede mine to check if someone else has suggested this, but should you need the same supplies again next month, Amazon sells ovulation test strips as well as pregnancy test strips for so, so cheap. I used them with success, so I can tell you they work. The brand is called Wondfo. I recommend getting a box of paper Dixie cups, as these are the pee-dipping kind of testers. But you can't beat the price. And my crazy self liked being able to test for ovulation for most of the month, which actually worked out ok because it happened a week late the month I did get pregnant.

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  99. For what it's worth, I'll speak for all of your readers here:

    Our hands are outstretched, our faith in God and in you is strong, and we are ready to take your hand and jump with you. We are all facing challenges and need to be courageous.

    I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils as encouragement, if I knew your name and address. Of course, this only-knowing-you-through-blogland has its charms :)

    Praying for you!

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  100. Oh Nat. You may be in the pile, but you know what? Your baby might be too. (My baby was in mine). Sending you all the luck and juju in the world.

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  101. Prayers for you for 'after the jump' :)

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  102. your posts are always so honest and beautiful. you're such an amazing person.
    i'm just a fan of your blog, but take my hand and jump together.

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  103. Juju is Taiwanese for a baby girl's head bow. May you have good Juju indeed. Much love to you, for your honesty and beauty.

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  104. Don't think I've ever commented on a blog before but felt compelled to here - my sweet baby will soon be 1. There were years of struggles, prayers, and (ultimately) rounds of IVF before I got to meet him. I won't forget the pain of those years but it was all worth it, every single tear. Sometimes thinking about bringing his sibling into the world is overwhelming, but as you say this time the stakes are lower. It will happen - we can't know how or when, but it will.

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  105. I've had that same pile... after a first trimester miscarriage and discouragement about getting pregnant again. I selfishly wanted my kids to be about 2 years apart and saw that chance slipping away.

    Bought almost the same pile (minus the clomid). And... the twins are due in 7 1/2 weeks. :-) Keep the faith. It will happen when it's supposed to happen.

    Kristi
    www.redheadrace.blogspot.com

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  106. It is a strange, heart-wrenching, and achingly personal journey. Your candor and openness are amazing. We're starting our own journey, husband and I. After 16 months, we met with the infertility clinic yesterday, and it seems we are headed your direction, but I may pass where you turned on Clomid street and continue on to IUI way. I wish you all the best.

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  107. I'm going through this right now too. And of all your posts I love, I think this is my favorite. You've captured the uncertainty and bravery of mothers perfectly.

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    1. Well put -- it is definitely courage. Bless y'all.

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  108. Fingers crossed for you! I hope you enjoy the jump as much as posisble. Lots of love. x

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  109. Fingers are crossed and prayers have been said! xo

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  110. Praying for you, beautiful lady :)
    (don't push your self too hard, ok? We love you.)

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  111. Aw good luck to you, Natalie. I admire your openness. Thank you for sharing - thoughts are with you!

    Allie

    www.alliehdc.blogspot.com

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  112. One of the bravest things we do as women is jump into situations where the goal is clear but not guaranteed. Jumping is brave, you are brave and whatever happens you have fought a battle that is worthy and worth fighting. Good luck to you.

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  113. oh my, sending so much love and goodness your way!

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  114. Such heart felt writing that I can't get out of my head! Am sending prayers and good energy your way! As for jumping, I try to follow the adage that you only live once...

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  115. Sending you lots and lots of good juju! I just know everything will work out for you. You ARE meant to have lots of chubby babies. Also, thanks so much for being so open and honest, I really love it and admire you.

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  116. I admire your bravery and your beautiful writing. Sending you happy thoughts!

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  117. you can do this mamasita! the best things in life are worth waiting for. stay positive!

    XX.

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  118. Fingers cross and all the good energy of the Universe to you...! :)

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  119. I was meant to come over to your blog today to read this post. I'm here often but don't leave a comment as often as I should. Except today I need to. First, you're not alone (not that you need me to tell you that). Second, you are so brave to share your story so honestly. I know exactly what you are going through. Your words and your story are so similar to my own. I feel that second soul out there too but where is she? I know she wants to be here with us. (in my mind I always see girls). I'm not sure I can handle the failed trials and the disappointment again...not just emotionally, but physically (lucky me, I developed an allergy to clomid which set us back a while not to mention all the other setbacks). I will say a little prayer for you, send you lots of good juju and all that stuff. And, if you want to, you can read my story about my struggle to get pregnant, accepting my infertility (until miraculously I became pregnant) and ultimately our decision to try IVF, over at Cup of Jo where I shared it a few months ago... http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2011/10/motherhood-mondays-what-if-you-cant.html
    best of luck to you. x

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  120. I read this when you first posted it and I have been thinking about it ever since so today I've decided to leave you a little note. Thank you for being so honest and open about your life. It makes people who are going through similar situations that they aren't alone. Sometimes when you go through certain things in life you feel alone and feel like you're the only one. So I just wanted to say thank you. I admire you greatly. I'm sending a lot of positive thoughts and prayers your way!

    xo
    Rachel
    http://picklesandchapstick.blogspot.com/

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  121. Hi! I've never commented before. I've been in your boat. But the first go-round, not the second. I don't know if you've heard of ovulation microscopes. Most of my friends haven't. But you spit on it in the morning and when you're a fertile Myrtle a nice ferning picture is what you see - then time to get busy. Best wishes to you.

    Here's a link to something similar (I got mine at Walgreen's) It's waaaaaaaaay cheaper than those ovulation pee sticks. http://www.amazon.com/Fairhaven-Fertile-Focus-Ovulation-Microscope/dp/B000S2O1CI

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  122. I really appreciate your honesty, it's a breath of fresh air. You are in my prayers ;-)

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  123. Oh, man, this is getting to me. Perhaps because I'm four months pregnant and the hormones, man. I remember when my husband and I first started trying and not knowing how long it would take or if it would happen. And then I got pregnant right away but that was followed quickly by a miscarriage and then I worried that I'd used up my last egg and we'd be childless forever. Of course, it worked out in the end but the not knowing is the worst part. When I see couples who are struggling to get pregnant - people who would be or are great parents - I get so mad but also so excited because the best parents are the ones that want it the most, I think. The ones who try everything to make it happen. You did it once. You can do it again. Lots of good juju coming from Hawaii.

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  124. I second the recommendation for "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." Also "Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition," which my Mom swore by while she was trying to conceive my littlest brother.
    The older I get the more I realize being an adult is all about waiting and not knowing when things will happen. When you're a kid it seems like the grown-ups know everything. I'll be praying for you!

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  125. oh goodluck with it all - i can relate as it took us 9months to fall pregnant with our first baby, thats short time compared to other couples struggling but at the time it just all seemed so hard and stressful and the whole process of tempreture taking and ovulation predictors and planning sex was such a negative experience and SO unfair when everyone around us was getting pregnant so easily!
    but think of it this way - how lucky we are in this day and age that there are options, that there is help out there, that you can be prescribed clomid and that there are ovulation predictor kits - many years ago these items on your shopping 'pile' were not available.
    think postive girl and it will all work out for you, you'll see....
    Sometimes the road ahead seems so long and tiring but it will be worth it in the end!!
    I'll be crossing my fingers for you!!!

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  126. wishing you all the luck in the world! i've been where you are, and it always seems to work out in the end.

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  127. Regards from Spain, I love your blog!!
    Besos!! Kisses

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  128. brilliant. wishing you all the best and more.

    mylettchronicals

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  129. good juju for us both.

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  130. There is so much truth I want to be able to speak into your life right now. I want to sit down with you like we are two old friends and hear your heart and drink tea. God is Faithful, He who began a good work in you WILL see it through. You can trust Him with this, His hands are not too short to save. Sending you lots of love and prayers. Oh, and hoping this note does not come across and totally creepy. :)

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  131. Sending you lots of good karma....jump high and deep otherwise you will never know what is on the other side.
    xo
    E

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  132. You are in my prayers! I just recently underwent an unsuccessful round of IVF. It was heartbreaking and still is. I am so lucky to have my little girl though. So I kind of know what you are going through. The unknown. The desperation you feel to bring your child into the world but really, there is nothing you can do about it but go along with what the Dr's say and pray. Pray your little guts out. I hope all works out for you. xoxo

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  133. Good luck! You sound like a beautiful Mumma xx

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  134. God has a plan and everything happens in Divine Order. Keep your head up and stay positive. It will happen. I'll be sending prayers to your beautiful family. xo

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  135. I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant when my oldest was only 9 months old. Exactly one week after my husband and I had agreed he was going to PhD school in the fall and that meant no more babies. I was so surprised I didn't even know what to pray for, so I asked and got "mercy." our God is so merciful. The baby is the sweetest, most even tempered baby on earth. And nothing, NOTHING will make your heart melt faster than watching your Huckleberry love on the new baby (if that is what God wants...which you seem confident). I am so glad God is in charge of my fertility and not me. Even with the pills (which He lead you to) He knows what He is doing.

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  136. Thank you. Again. For putting words to worries so many of us face. Thank you so so much. I'll be thinking of you while I stare down my ravines too!

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  137. Jumping is scary, so thank you for putting aside your fears and sharing your experience with us. I haven't been brave enough to jump in head first yet and seek help. I've been afraid of what the truth might be. All I've ever wanted is to be a mom. I never dreamed it would be this difficult. Your blog has really been helpful to me. So thank you for being real and for helping me not feel so alone. I hope you land where you want to be. :)

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  138. That gold headband is so beautiful! And thank you for sharing your fears and anxieties, you've clearly inspired a lot of people!

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