4.05.2012

ON LETTING IT HAPPEN


i am not infertile, i just need an assist. a stockton to my malone.

i sat on a bench covered in paper today and the familiarity of it washed over me. disorienting familiarity. all kinds of familiarity. the last time i sat on a paper-covered bench huck was six weeks old and i had just been given the "all access clearance." at the time this was the furthest thing from my mind. i had confidence shooting out my ears.

i sat on that paper-covered bench today and i tried to think of all the paper-covered benches i sat on while pregnant. those paper-covered benches carried much happier memories than all the benches i sat on while not pregnant and wondering why. and i sat on quite a lot of paper-covered benches while not pregnant, in many different offices. two ob/gyn benches, one really expensive fertility clinic bench, and even a naturopath's bench once. oh, paper-covered benches.

i wasn't wondering why, today, because this time i know why. my body doesn't produce enough hormones at the back end of my menstrual cycle to sustain a pregnancy. it's called a luteal phase deficiency, and it's when the space of time between ovulation and the end of your cycle is less than 12 days. my cycle likes to give me about ten days to work with. sometimes those last two days i'll feel real pregnant indeed, and then, i'm just not. it's not possible to be all the way pregnant with bottoming-out hormones. that's not to say i'll never get pregnant on my own, i mean hormones are confusing little things. but it is to say, well, it's not terribly likely.

i'm going to need an assist.

in my dreams i am effortless. stuff just happens. it's such a romantic idea, but that's not how i work. i want to be the very carefree sort but i'm not. i like to analyze things. a lot. until i've exhausted every possible angle, i'm not done worrying about it. i could talk about the same subject for six months if you'd let me. (i'd also present all sides of the argument so all you had to do was sit there and listen, occasionally nodding to say, "i know." that's all i ask!)

brandon is that carefree sort. see, that's why i married him, that strange redhead. he is the exact opposite of my temperament and is such a mystery to me. he believes in letting things happen. let it go how it goes. nothing irritates him more than when we're in the elevator on the way to church and i start strategically mapping out the following three hours. "you take off huck's coat and i'll find us a seat, and if you take him third hour i'll take him second..." these conversations cause brandon's let-it-happen soul to squirm until he is forced to give me 'the look.' and then i remember, gosh, this never turns off does it?

on my way home from the doctor's office today i texted brandon to give him the update. i held a prescription in my hand that i could fill at any time in the next twelve months and a sudden, terrifying urge to pray.

"i wish i worked right and we could just let this happen," i texted brandon while simultaneously considering when and under what circumstances and taking into account weaning and potential horoscopes and future school schedules.

"i guess our babies are just going to have to come to us on purpose."

"it's okay," he texted back. "it will all work out. don't worry."

see. and that's why i married him.

109 comments :

  1. wow... what a heartfelt post. i wish i had anything to say. :( my heart goes out to you! my husband is much the same... a care-free red head who lets nothing phase him. i long to be that way.

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  2. thank for this. I know how it feels and it's nice to know I am not alone.

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  3. You are such a beautiful writer, Natalie! Thank you for sharing your precious life and experiences! You really are inspiring!
    xo,
    Kait
    www.kindlykait.blogspot.com

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  4. I needed this today Natalie, Thanks!
    I have been a long time reader, but not much of a comment(er)? I love how you write and I appreciated this today. It's good to know there is some one else who has a similar relationship and me and my husband.. he is carefree and i need everything planned. I appreciate your honesty in what you write! Lots of prayers sent your way Sister! Good Luck! X O!

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  5. You are so inspiring! I defended my undergraduate thesis the other day, and during the q&a portion, we discussed the work of Bruno Betteheim, who argued that fairy-tales and other works of fiction are the authors (and the readers) way of working through psychological issues in a safe and secure, fictional environment. Author Chris Crutcher also supports this.

    "But Lidia, what does that have to do with me being inspiring?" I imagine you ask.

    well, its because you don't need the fairytale to come to terms with stressful situations. You write your life. it's moving, descriptive, real. It's not a fairytale, and yet you work through your challenges so eloquently with the written word.

    You are inspiring and brave because you are an honest blogger and a mother and a wife and so much more.

    Thank you.

    Lidia Lavonna

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  6. What an emotional but wonderful post, Natalie. I have many family members going through what you are now, friends included, and it can be very hard. Sending love and prayers your way, mama!

    Also, I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty in this department, MOST people do not want to talk about this taboo issue.

    I am adopted, and that too, is another "let's not talk about it issue." Anyway, I am sending good thoughts your way.

    ox amanda

    http://mamawatters.blogspot.com

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  7. Wow. This is so brutally honest, thank you. You've got this. (And I love the Stockton/Malone reference!). Love.

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  8. you sound just like me. brandon sounds just like my husband. this is just crazy. actually, it's why i love your blog. soooo relatable.
    anna @ wishdesignshop.com

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  9. My boyfriend and I are like that too! I'm constantly mapping out the rest of the courses for my graduate degree, which way I'm going to drive somewhere this weekend, etc... while he wonders why we need to choose an exact time to leave for the 6-hour drive to his parents' house. Haha. I think this will happen for you with a mix of planning and just letting it happen. (Perhaps that made no sense? Hmm...) I'm glad you're sharing this with us!

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  10. so much love to you. beautiful post.

    xoxo
    sarah gray

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  11. this is why I read your blog. I really, truly feel for you and oh gosh I just want the best for you and for it all to happen. just because you have to work at it a bit doesn't mean that you're not still going flow. nothing wrong with trying to help nature a bit.

    and you have a kindred soul in me. looking at all sides, planning out three hour windows and so forth. if you want to talk to me for six months about something feel free.

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  12. "on purpose" sounds pretty good too

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  13. My husband and I are exactly like you and Brandon. My husband is so unfailing optimistic it drives, me, insane sometimes! He always says, it will work out. And I'll say, no no it won't, and then he always responds, hasn't it so far?? (enter in rolling eyes) and then I'll say, yes, I guess it has, honey :-) I don't know what it is about men, but they are so go with the flow. I over think, over stress, over worry about everything, especially about my daughter! I had a molar pregnancy last year and my husband and I repeated this conversation more times in the past year than I could count. But guess what, it has worked out so far :-)

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  14. How lucky we are to have husbands who balance us out in all the right places, even if it takes some adjustment of our tendencies. I do agree with the above poster, on purpose sounds pretty good :)

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  15. posts like this are why i read your blog.

    xoxoxoxoxoxooxoooooooooooo

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  16. sooo i have to tell you... you just described me TO A T... i worry over everything (well not EVERYTHING, but it sure does feel that way..) and i analyze and analyze and am capable of seeing ALL sides of the subject.. i think that's why I MUST talk it out, because i'm not focused.. i'm a whole picture see-er, if you will..

    i blame the planets, who decided i should be a gemini and be frazzled like this all the time.. not frazzled, i guess.. but juggling. juggling and analyzing when i dream of being care-free and not..

    we don't even WANT kids right now, or anytime soon, but i'm already worried about the idea of us NOT BEING ABLE TO have kids.. ya know? GAH!

    watch out now, i bet you have triplets next (:

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  17. aw that's a sweet husband you have there. i hope everything works out for you as I am sure it will.

    Lindsay

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  18. 'on purpose' is even better. i wish my first had come on purpose, even though she's always been my biggest wish. have faith, henry's siblings will come.

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  19. My husband is the same way and I am the planner! Bless you for your patience when it could be frustration!

    http://gandacummings.blogspot.com

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  20. That's so rough. I'm sorry my dear. I can kind of relate. Our first pregnancy it took me a year and a half to get pregnant and it was a bit disheartening. Hang in there!

    - Sarah
    A Girl In Transit

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  21. you are blessed sissy! so many people care for you and LOVE you so much! You are amazing. I love you!

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  22. Thank you for such an honest post =) I truly wish you the best.

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  23. This post makes me happy :)
    Not to be that girl that says, "I'm the exact same way!!!!"
    But yeah, I kind of am the exact same way.
    Which then further makes me appreciate the man in my life that is the exact opposite.

    Seems like you've got a great hubby and you two are doing just fine and will continue to be just fine now and in the future.

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  24. i love reading your sweet blog! i think your honesty and your ability to portray yourself as a real person is such an example to all of your readers. elder bednar's talk on tender mercies came to mind when reading this post, he says "the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord." earlier in the talk he defines tender mercies as very personal and individualized blessings that come on the Lord's timing, just like your babies! anyway here is the rest of the talk in case you want to read it :) it'll all work out girl!

    http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/04/the-tender-mercies-of-the-lord?lang=eng&query=elder+(name%3a%22David+A.+Bednar%22)

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  25. Ok, you and your hubs are too perfect for each other. Thanks for sharing this. It's so relatable. That's what I love about your blog. Good luck with everything. It will all happen when it's supposed to. Xo

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  26. I would just like to say that I admire your faith and I love your blog! That's all!

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  27. You are a spectacular woman, Natalie. And your husband seems pretty swell, too :) For what it's worth, you are in my prayers and I hope only the best and the happiest of times are ahead of you!

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  28. Speaking of horoscopes... it must be a Libra thing ;)

    Keeping fingers and toes crossed for you, my dear. It's not easy, this baby business. Not easy at all.

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  29. I got pregnant on the first try, but then my birth was long and painful (SO painful) and in the end I needed a lot of medical assistance (epidural, etc) which disappointed me. I had dreamed of birthing the way you did. But at the end of the day we both have gorgeous babies, right? :) Stay positive!

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  30. you are a fantastic writer. thinking of you. xoxoxoxo

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  31. My husband and I are the exact same way! That conversation could be ours! Try not to worry deary! It will all work out in His plans :)

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  32. thank you for being so honest and sharing this! i feel like i was just reading a conversation that me and my husband had recently. you are not alone.. i hope i get my babies someday! every month that goes by that i am not pregnant i worry... i worry something is wrong. it seems like everyone else around me gets pregnant while not even trying and while on birth control. it's been a huge humbling experience for me. patience has never been my strong point. but anyway, i just love your blog and think you are so beautiful inside and out! thanks for sharing this!

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  33. Lots of love for you, Nat.

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  34. I would tell you to try not to worry, but the thing is, you will worry. I was on fertility treatment for 2 and half years before I became pregnant with my now 4-year-old little girl. I enjoyed every bit of her pregnancy and babyhood, but then I started to worry about the second one, and when I became pregnant with the second on my own (SURPRISE!) I started to worry about the third one. Some of us are just wired that way. Keep finding the joyful, happy moments. You are so good at it, and we, your readers, appreciate it very much. Good luck!

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  35. uhhh. i hate when i hear people say (too often), "i think we want another baby..." (6 weeks pass.) "i'm pregnant! i'm so glad we decided on a july baby... that seems like a great time for a baby!" some people just don't get it. we haven't been on nearly as rough a road as many others, but i totally feel your pain. it's so frustrating. hard to keep the perspective that it's "His" plan. it'll work out- it always does! hang in there;)

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  36. So sorry! I had to have an "assist" to get pregnant too. In fact, a whole bunch of my friends have too. Everything from Clomid to laparoscopic surgery to remove endometriosis (that was me) to IVF. It is sooooo hard to go through. And it doesn't help when everybody tells you "just relax, it'll happen" or "don't worry, babies will come when they are supposed to" or "why don't you try fill-in-the-blank" and other such things.
    I'm glad you talk so candidly about it all. It really help make it a less taboo subject.

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  37. It's these sorts of posts that I never know what to say towards, but that I always feel like I SHOULD say something.

    You're in my thoughts and I agree with the Holbs, just let it happen. It will. Huck is living proof of what you're capable of.

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  38. I hope you are able to have all the little babies in the world! (Or as many as you would like)

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  39. I swear I could've written this exact post. After a journey sounding very similar to yours I was blessed with a baby girl, now 5 months old and all has been blissful. In the back of my mind I know there will come a day that I have to face this reality again. As hard as it is though I have to remind myself how grateful i am for this trial in my life. I know there is a time and season for everything and my baby girl was supposed to come when she did and I'm sure it will be the same for baby #2. I just feel so blessed to be a mother because I didn't think it would happen and I know it doesn't happen for a lot of women.

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  40. Hang in there! I know how you feel! Todd and I are thinking about trying for #5 now that the twins are almost 4. I can't believe they're that old!

    Seems like just yesterday I was waddling down the halls at church in Moscow, and you came up to me and said I was the cutest pregnant lady you ever saw. That made my entire week! :)

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  41. Praying that it "just happens" for you!

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  42. Thank you for your beautiful post. My husband and I have been trying for many months to get pregnant for the first time. It's always nice to hear others' perspectives who have had some trouble as well. Best of luck to you!

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  43. When we were going through infertility, the last thing I wanted was to talk about it, ever, with anyone. Thank you for sharing; I'm hoping it's something we'll never have to experience again {doesn't everyone?} but there's a good chance we'll be on that road again. And even though you probably didn't write this with "you're not alone" in your brain, it's so comforting to know that there are others who go through it also. Thanks for your honesty. My thoughts are with you!

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  44. Oh, you sound like me!

    But, I feel like all my organizing (mental and otherwise) and attention to 'stupid' details makes me a little more carefree than I would otherwise be, if that makes any sense? It's like, if I'm organized, I don't have to worry.

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  45. Can I ask, which one of the numerous professionals actually did a good job with examining hormones? I think I have something similar happening, but would love to know which type of dr to pay the big bucks for!!
    Thanks Nat- and of course, good luck!
    xo Becca

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    1. @becca, it was me! i started charting my cycles. no other doctor could figure me out. the naturopath came closest (though the hormones she prescribed me did nada). check out "taking charge of your fertility." good luck!

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    2. Ditto on that book being RAD -- fabulous fabulous book!

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    3. That's the book that helped me, too! Life-changer, that one.

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  46. Beautiful post Nat. You have an amazing ability to capture feelings in beautiful writing and it touches the hearts of others. Will be thinking of you.

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  47. hi nat. i don't think i've ever commented, but i really liked this post, and at the risk of sounding totally dense, i have to say the paper covered bench thing really threw me for a sec. i kept thinking... park bench? next to a homeless man? does she cover it with paper because she's hypochondriacal (you too?? internet high fives!).

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  48. Not gonna lie, this post made me miss stockton to malone a little bit. Also, it's ok to have Babies on purpose. Better than a surprise maybe.

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  49. I think we all have something in us that doesn't work right that we desperately wish did. I have no problem getting pregnant, but once I'm there, I am as sick as a dog and miserable for 9 months. So we have babies "on purpose" too. I would give anything in the world to be a blissful pregnant lady and keep my lunch where it belongs. Thanks for the reminder that whatever our trials may be, we've been given someone to help us through them, and that we can learn something from them.

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    1. I just need to say that struggling with infertility/suffering through treatments and the real possibility of no children is not even close to having a rough pregnancy. not even close to being the same thing.

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  50. totally get it. You remind me so much of my bff. She has a really hard time getting prego and has to extra progesterone. It always amazes me that she is able to strategically plan out and execute something so complicated. You are the way you are because HF knew that you needed to be. Not everyone would have the capability to do what you need to do to get pregnant you need to be you to be able to handle this challenge. You're amazing! To be able to think things through, make a plan and execute it is a talent; enjoy it! I am sure before you know you will have another beautiful baby to love on.

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  51. Lovely post. Not knowing sucks... it is one of my very least favorite things. It's OK to feel down about it. It's OK to be sad. It's OK to be jealous of incredibely fertile women. (at least for awhile!) I started a photography project with women who are struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss. I hope it shows women that they aren't alone, that it's nothing to be ashamed of and that babies can come into our homes in lots of wonderful ways. Check it out if you want: jackienorrisphoto.com

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  52. Oh Natalie! You are NOT alone. I have the same exact deficiency, and guess what? Right this very moment I am incubating mah third baby. Yes ma'am. The first two took time (lots and lots o' time) and effort and planning and prescriptions and shots and suppositories, but this one? This one is all me. SURPRISE! And wow. What I realize now is- it never really did matter whether I planned them or not. Oh yes, I wanted to be "normal" with the first two, so many months begging and pleading with Heaven to be normal. But now getting to experience the other end of the spectrum, I almost kind of miss those months/years of putting my whole heart and soul into getting pregnant. It's weird the way life works out sometimes, you know? Anyway, sending you love and luck. And PS- we are cut from the same cloth and so are our hubsies. Thank goodness for that, right?

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  53. Ah, Natalie. Sometimes I get so mad at Heavenly Father for making me the way he did. I have no problem having a baby. It's just the year afterward that sucks. So many moms struggle for years to greet their little ones, and then they're filled with this sense of awe and exhilaration and sweet bonding. Not me--I can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and then, when that baby arrives, I'm turned into a soulless, joyless robot, devoid of all good feelings and filled instead with feelings of sadness and anger. WHY??? What purpose could this possibly serve?!? I've cried and prayed and sought blessings, and the message I receive again and again is that this won't be taken from me--that if I learn to endure well, I can turn and help others in a way no one else can. I DO NOT WANT THIS BURDEN. But I keep thinking that when we take upon ourselves Christ's name, we take on his roles, and one of his greatest is that of Comforter. And I can comfort others who go through PPD. I have more than enough experience to do that! It's been a horrible journey, but I've gained a lot more compassion and empathy for other moms' struggles than I would have if things had been easy.

    One thing that's so hard is that infertility and all its awfulness have been gaining a voice so much in the last few years, but PPD is still a horrible thing to admit to. People look at you as though you're a monster when you whisper tearfully, "I don't think I love my baby!" or they simply back away and leave you alone because they don't want you to suck them down with you. I try and make a point of asking every new mom, "and how are YOU doing?" because one mom brought me dinner my first week with Camryn, asked me the same question, looked in my face, saw I wasn't okay, and began telling me I was not alone and that she'd been depressed for years after one of her kids and hadn't told anyone. Her thoughtfulness literally saved my life.

    Ugh. Life is so hard sometimes. Good thing we have friends who know what we're going through and can help us along!

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  54. I hope that your prayers gave you strength and peace. It really is the only way for us women, I think; sometimes that meandering male bologna is not what I wan to hear ( I too have an "let's just go with the flow" husband named Brandon). Heavenly Father gives me feeling on my own level that I can work with, and then the sunny Brandon seems to fit in just right :)
    I'm also so neurotic about babies, that just a few months after my first, I made the bishop pull out his handbook and read me all the things in it about having kids, vasectomies, etc., even though I wasn't thinking about any of that. But I think he was blindsided as I came in there ranting about how to I know if I'm receiving true spiritual guidance through prayer, about having babies, if I have selfish ulterior motives? I always have selfish motives I feel, you know? And then maybe your not really getting true answers because your heart is not in the right place, and your secretly feeding yourself false answers... bhah! neurosis, I know. Although, I'd like to think that all babies are on purpose. And to argue all sides, as I also love to do.... I'm super fertile, so I too have to "plan" all my babies,I have to put hormones (birth control) fore extended periods of time (bad) in my body, that I really wish I didn't have to. I'd love to listen to my body, and know what time would be best, but I'm missing a fallopian tube, from a lost pregnancy, and so I will never really be able to tell when I ovulate on that side (because little know fact, did you know the other fallopian tube reaches over and grabs that egg and brings it over to the other side? Crazy!) I think that what you're experiencing is much MUCH, more difficult, but put in down on paper they sound similar. The are many different facets to every story. They're all beautiful, and I hope that you continue to find joy in each moment of yours.

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  55. Thank you so much for posting this. I have been not trying (that's what I tell myself) for over a year and each month I hope and get myself let down. Sae is going to 3 in less than 20 days and I thought I would have or preparing to have another by now. This post makes me feel not alone, that I can schedule that appointment I have been putting off and finally ask for help.

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  56. This post was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for being an answer to my prayers.

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  57. okay, how to you create such beautiful and touching posts. you are just so brave and open. and that mister of yours sounds like a real keeper. i think us girls sometimes have trouble telling our brains to be quite. and we need our men to give us those "looks" to remind us :)
    xo TJ

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  58. so sweet of him. you both are lucky to have each other. :-)

    http://jamwordscrolls.blogspot.com/

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  59. My husband and I work almost identically. Sometimes when I am analyzing everything from every angle, I'll sneak a look over at him to see his eyes wide, with a dizzying, overwhelmed glaze, and I'll know: too much! Gotta reel it in. But thank goodness he knows how to balance it out (and I can help him think and plan and figure!).
    Um I also wanted to say from your other post about babies being the easiest thing. And now Huck is getting older and-- yikes! New territory. I felt the exact opposite. I felt like the entire first year I had my head barely above water. Like, what the hell am I supposed to do with this tiny human!?! And then she turned about 11 months, and voila! I totally got it. It's so funny how things are totally different for each mom.
    Good luck figuring out baby timing. It's the trickiest thing once you're given the choice. I'm happy for you to have figured out what you need to make it happen.

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  60. Such a beautiful, thoughtful post, Natalie! Even though my struggles are quite different from yours, your honesty always makes me feel like I have a friend out there. :)

    My thoughts are with you, and I wish you and Brandon the best of luck as you prepare to welcome a new member to the Holbrook clan.

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  61. I feel you on the short luteal phase. Try vitamin B6 to lengthen it - that stuff is miraculous. Google it :)

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  62. Your post made me cry but only because I'm in the middle of not knowing what the problem is. And boy am I sick of the paper covered benches. I feel I'm a stron independent women but I've never thought that I wanted to focus on my career before babies or anything like that. Ive wanted to be a mum so bad and then I finally meet the most amazing guy (he does 'don't worry texts too, which are sweet but don't satisfy my need for plans :p) we get married and my body doesn't work, it's utterly heartbreaking. I think I'm actually only ovulating once every two months but am not sure because my cycle is different every month (26-34 days) who knows though because the drs haven't figured it out yet!

    I totally get what you mean about things just happening but focus on the positive that you aren't in that horrible place of 'why?' anymore, you know and have the solution in your hand. Maybe it's so when your babies come to you, you are completely ready and prepared for them? Sounds pretty great to me. Much love x

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  63. Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I have been married for close to two years now and we've only been on birth control for about 4 months out of these two years. It makes me nervous because we haven't even come close to a pregnancy scare and sometimes I get worried that's something is wrong with me...which it might be. But, it's nice to know that I am not the only one who will struggle with this and sometimes I just need reassurance that it will all be okay in the end... D is a lot like your husband and I'm the over analyzer... I stress about it all the time, not that I want to be pregnant right now but just the thought that I might not be able to...So enough of my blabber, I just wanted to really say I appreciated this :)

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  64. aw girl. we are in the same boat, its so cruel. with my current babe i was able to get pregnant with ease... but here we are 5 years later and i still only have one. i almost want to cry and say, aren't a good enough mother? why does my body not want to have more? thank you for sharing. everything you write is so beautiful.

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  65. you mentioned horoscopes, but have you taken into consideration the chinese version....! Its year of the dragon girlfriend! I pretty sure this is your last chance at a dragon baby. Next year is year of the snake, so maybe count that one out...after that then its horse which sounds good...much better than snake.

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  66. Thank you for sharing. Your 6th paragraph describes me with freakish accuracy.

    But I don't think you could write so well if you really were the let-it-happen kind of girl. Good writing never happens; it's always planned & carefully arranged. And I'm sure your husband wouldn't have found you so captivating if you had your wish and were more like him.

    I recently lost my first (and much-planned) embryo to a CP. We're planning again, of course. I wish I had the comfort of a pill's promise.

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  67. I say take the meds and for a few months and what will be will be. It may be a bit more planned but you were meant to be a mommy- and you live in a time where it's more possible with some work. Regardless it's meant to happen, and when it does those are your people whether the timing just happened or was prayed for- they are still your people. One of my babies was a complete surprise and one was worked for- both are my little women no matter the planning prior :)

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  68. I am of the don't think about it and it'll all be fine breed. Because once I do start thinking and thinking and panicking and I can't concentrate on anything else it ruins me. I just don't think about it and call that faith. Right. Good luck to you making a new little baby.

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  69. I'll pray that you get yourself another beautiful fat baby soon!! :) I'm sure that God doesn't let you feel like you need a family if he doesn't intend to follow through. Love to you and your family!

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  70. oh Nat, thank you for the post. i have a lovely, precious 2.5 year old boy that i got with no assist. but now, after 14 months trying to get pregnant again, i too am sitting on all those paper-covered benches.

    so frustrating when things just don't work themselves out. but on the bright side - at least now you know the issue AND most importantly, you know it was has worked before to get you Huck! so have faith + know many of us are right.there with you.

    best wishes for a healthy + chubby baby for you (and please, please lord, me) soon!

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  71. (((HUGS))) I got teary-eyed reading this. Prayers sent up for a healthy baby soon!

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  72. I too have a care free red head and it drives me nuts sometimes because to regain my control on a less-than-great situation I make plans. I can't always do that, and he helps remind me every day. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

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  73. You are wise, and Brandon is wise. I think we are kindred spirits, Ms. Natalie. It helps to have a carefree, easygoing, red-headed husband, doesn't it? Looks like there are a few of us in the comments... Maybe God made those carefree husbands for us specifically with red hair so they would be easier to spot? :) Love to you, and Brandon, and future baby. And Huck!

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  74. My husband is the same way and a red head!I think it balances us planners out indeed! Natalie I just think you are amazing and I love reading all of your blog posts. You are an inspiration to me and many others. I am sure that everything will work out. My prayers will be with you and your adorable family.

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  75. thank you so much for this post....hubby and i went through the same thing for a few years, to no avail. BUT, our little miracle, Hannah Grace came to us (via adoption) and we could NOT be happier!!!! God always always always has a plan!!! praying for you guys!!!!!

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  76. It's posts like this that I love. I want what you have and can't wait until I do. It's the little things that he says and does for you that remind me that I can have that. It's real. And beautiful. Thoughts and prayers for you, always. Because let's be real, who doesn't want another round of the adorableness that is Huck ;)

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  77. you are courageous to be so open! i really admire it!

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  78. I struggle with the letting it happen and babies on purpose so much. I'd love to talk to you about it when we move up there this summer.

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  79. Oh gosh honey, I loved this post so, so much. I'm in much the same predicament as you, I have PCOS so will probably struggle to fall pregnant naturally. And I wish, I wish with ALL my heart, that I could just conceive naturally. That my husband and I could just decide the time was right, and we could try and a month or two later we could be pregnant and cry and be happy. But sadly that's not really in my cards, I too will need assistance. I have an appointment with a fertility specialist a week tomorrow and I have my fingers crossed so tightly! I seem a lot like you and my husband seems a lot like yours. I love the line "i guess our babies are just going to have to come to us on purpose."

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  80. Gah. I know that frustration well. I have muscle memory for those paper covered benches. I will start praying for you and your growing family.

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  81. do some research on b6 and b12 vitamins and lengthening luteal phase!!!

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  82. A thousand good lucks to you on your adventure for baby #2. It will happen, you know that, we know that!

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  83. Thank you for this post Nat. Praying for you today! I am excited for baby number two.

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  84. When we were trying for our first baby, I was tracking my cycles and did some research and figured out I had luteal phase deficiency as well, so I was put on progesterone. It definitely helped, well, that along with an HSG we think - but we got pregnant after 6 months, so I have high hopes that you'll have no problems conceiving again! Do your research for sure, but luteal phase deficiency is definitely something that can be overcome fairly easily when all is said and done!

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  85. Whoever said Vitamins B6 & B12 is right on the money. I had a short luteal phase also thanks to nursing and took those vitamins to lengthen it. Guess what--I got pregnant with twins! You could always try the vitamins for a couple months if you're iffy on using the hormones again. Good luck to you!
    www.themcfamilyblog.com

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  86. You are in my heart, beautiful lady! And in my prayers. Don't forget that you are already blessed with a wonderful husband and an amazing baby, right? :)

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  87. i feel terribly nosey saying anything about your family-planning at all (though i think that's what the internet is for, so i'm going for it). have you considered adoption? i'm no baby expert, but to my silly inexpert brain, nothing seems sweeter than providing a happy home full of love to a baby who may otherwise not have one. plus, how cool would it be to be adopted by THE natalie and brandon holbrook of blogspot fame? SO COOL.

    thanks for letting us into your life. your blog is my most favorite part of the internet.

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  88. I don't know you but I feel like I do in that weird way that the internet has and I wish I could give you a hug. Because it will be OK. And maybe because of the struggles to get him here (and maybe you would have been like this without them) but you appear to be SUCH a fabulous mother. You treasure your little boy. You savor him and relish your time with him and don't waste your time wishing that he would do/be/look differently.

    Of course hearing, or even knowing that 'this is Heavenly Father's plan for you' or 'it will be ok' doesn't help much in the here and now, especially for those of us who are planners and 'on MY schedule please!' girls. So know that there are many out here praying for you and wishing you the best.

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  89. Have you read Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning? I have also been through a pregnancy loss (1st pregnancy) and infertile since then and what has helped me the most is the great opportunity I have been given for personal and spiritual growth. This is not to say that one can't grow in the same ways without these experiences, but these experiences, if we allow them to be, can truly be catalysts for tremendous personal growth. Some circumstances we have no control over, but we always have control over our response to them.

    From Man's Search for Meaning:

    We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. — P.65-66

    Dostoevski said once, “There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.” These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact the last inner freedom can’t be lost. It can be said that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom — which cannot be taken away — that makes life meaningul and purposeful. — P.66-67

    I too, fear only that I should ever be unworthy of my sufferings. Because only then do they become futile or meaningless or bad luck or whatever other way you might be able to look at them. Happiness, satisfaction or self worth dependent on circumstances is fleeting. The same irregardless of circumstance is liberating. Best wishes to you!

    "Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine."

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  90. Thank you so much for being so open and honest about your struggle. It is one of the things that got me through my own long journey. I finally made it and our nugget will be here in September. I can't wait.

    Lots of thoughts and prayers headed your way.

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  91. You just totally described my husband and I to a tee! So glad we married guys like that! My heart goes out to you... I know what it is like to want to get pregnant so bad and have things not work the way they should. Ugh. Frustrating.

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  92. I think the personality combo you and your husband have is perfect. I love the mix of a little neurotic/totally laid back. I married a totally neurotic man and I'm the optimistic/laid back one! He keeps me focused and I keep him grounded.

    And, on letting it happen, that's all well and good for some people but sometimes we have to work for what we want. My version of working is taking a few drugs and a big bout of positive thinking. I think its beautiful to live a purposeful life. And what could be more representative of a purposeful life than your children's conception?

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  93. I so much appreciate the honestly of this post. Thank you so much for your sharing. T&Ps are with you through this journey!

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  94. What an honest and beautifully written post. It will all work out i am sure.

    And i need to be reminded sometimes just to let some things be :)

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  95. Great post! That can be my mantra too, "I am not infertile, I just need an assist."

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  96. Oh boy do I understand. I got by rx months ago now I just need to use the assistance, but getting up the energy to emotional go through it is hard. I am trying the homeopathic route this time hoping I don't need all the assistance I did before. (I have to do an IUI)
    Good Luck

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  98. Thank you a million times over for this. I am going through a similar situation...waiting, waiting, waiting for it to "just happen" and it's just NOT happening! I want a little one to care for more than anything and I have those days where I. Just. Don't. Understand. Why isn't it easy for me like it is for so SO SO many others?? So, thank you Natalie. This is a very difficult time.

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  99. i'm no expert but i did a lot of reading about this. i wanted babies close together and that just isn't going to hapoen but have you tried vitex (chasteberry) and b6? some women swear by it. they are supposed to lower your prolactin levels enough so that progesterone has a fighting chance.

    anyway, it seems as though you are headed in the right direction as far as regaining fertility goes. you (i'm assuming) have a predictable cycle. next is getting your luteal phaae to lengthen (which may just take time) then you regain full fertility.

    it'/s not impossible to get pregnant while breastfeeding, it just doesn't make it easier! it also doesn't make it easier when my mom tells me how she had us kuds 17 months apart... and here i am with a 16 month old and no sign that my body is even thinking about getting fertile.

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  100. we are so alike and our husbands could be soul twins. seriously. i analyze every minute of every day and he just takes it as it comes.

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  101. You probably won't ever read this comment but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing. My husband and I have only been trying for 6 months but each month feels like an eternity. It's so comforting to know others are going through the same thing, especially on a day like today when we unknowingly sat in what seemed to be the fertile Mertile section of church. It's such an odd feeling when the sight of cute little babies that once made you smile now makes you want to cry. Thanks for sharing honestly and from your heart.

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  102. I know this post is a year old, but I just discovered your blog today and read this post, and I felt so moved to respond because it rang so true. I have endometriosis, and it took a surgery and the better part of a year to conceive our daughter. To top it off, my water broke at 31 weeks, and I spent 3 weeks in the hospital until she could be (relatively) safely delivered at 34 weeks. These worrisome moments really exposed the differences between my husband and me. I am the worrier, the planner, the what-will-I-do-if-things-go-this-way person, the researcher, the overanalyzer. My husband? Well, his answer for most things is the same as the one you quote here: "It will work out. Don't worry." I usually love him for it, but it's hard when I want him to be in the worry with me, when I feel alone with it. Our daughter will be 8 months on Monday, the endo pain has started to creep back (I am guessing my cycles are about to return), and it all has me prematurely thinking "what if" about trying to do it again with potential baby #2 in a year or so. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I could relate to so much in this post, and you have a beautiful, honest way of writing. The post about moms being the keepers of babyhood made me tear up. Keep up the good work!

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