7.09.2013

CHEMICAL MISCARRIAGES AND THINGS PERTAINING TO SUCH


over the weekend i suffered a miscarriage.

i suppose it wasn't a *real* miscarriage. it was a chemical miscarriage. but no, i mean, no, it was a real miscarriage. it was a real miscarriage and it's been mildly awful.

a chemical pregnancy is when you have a fertilized egg that doesn't get the chance to become an embryo. if you weren't looking for it, you'd probably never know it happened at all. your period comes on just a little bit later than normal, and just a little bit . . . different than normal. sometimes you'll get an faint positive on a pregnancy test first, and sometimes you'll feel a rush of early first trimester hormones, but always your period shows up anyway, usually less than seven days past due. nearly 70% of pregnancies end in chemical miscarriages like this, most of the time completely unnoticed.

we'd been planning to throw a fat wad of cash at my uterus in the fall and suddenly it looked like we wouldn't have to. maybe we could take a vacation instead! i could call my little sister, who was due with her second baby any day, and tell her that we were pregnant at the same time again. but by sunday morning my hormones had perceptibly shifted and i knew what was happening. this has happened four times in the three cumulative years we've been trying for a baby, and i could recognize that familiar feeling of sudden, stark absence even in a tornado. by sunday evening, a few hours after my sister went into labor, it started. all there was left to do at that point was let it take its course.  

i haven't written about trying to get pregnant much lately, because the truth is we haven't really been trying to get pregnant much lately. it's feels pointless to. i can't get and stay pregnant on my own, so why put myself through it? the natural remedies i've tried for my luteal phase defect haven't worked, and with brandon's busy season in full swing, now is a terrible time for fertility treatments. i thought i could maybe play the "let's just see" game, but it turns out, i can't. i really hate counting days and wondering and at this point i'd much rather live my life and love up my two-year-old and just throw chemicals at it when the time seems right. so, we're back to waiting. i'm okay with it. 

the worst of it is over, but i'm not feeling 100% yet. every chemical miscarriage is different, but it always surprises me how much it can take out of a person. it hurts. my energy is zapped. i feel a little bit like a zombie. i've been trying to be generous to my sore body and not expect too much of it, but it's hard. it's hard to give myself permission to feel too sad about it, too. a chemical miscarriage is kind of a vague loss. but i've been trying to be kind to my emotions, too. brandon grilled me up a fat steak the other night and all that red meat made me feel better. henry's given plenty of sweet kisses. and i'm grateful to know that my body is doing its best. it can't stay pregnant maybe, but at least it can get there. 

i've been listening to the staves a lot. they're kind of my spirit animal. this one's been a favorite lately.

be kind to yourselves this week and know that you're in my thoughts. and i mean that in a very weird, very anne of green gables, very over-exaggerated type of way. wonderfully, i feel connected to all of the sadness in the world this week, sadness of every kind! and now i shall go and lie myself down in a sad, tragical heap on my bed. that kind of thing. ;)

xo and good vibes to all the uteruses out there. (uteri?)
nat the infertile, over and out.

271 comments :

  1. I'm so sorry Natalie. A big hug to you from California.

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  2. I'm so sorry Natalie. Love and hugs to your wonderful wee family.

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  3. Miscarriages are stupid and I would know. So would you. Whatever, miscarriages, you can go to Hell.

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  4. it must be hard even in such an early stage like that.
    sending lots and lots of good vibes your way.xo.

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    1. i am truly so very sorry for your broken heavy heart, and i 10000000% admire your courage to post such beautifully sad and personal thoughts up for the blog world. i have spend two years on a hormone inducing roller coaster- just to get phone calls from friends saying they are 'accidentally' 'not even trying to' pregnant. again i am sorry. all the love.

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  5. Xoxo Natalie! Thank you for sharing your hard life moments. People look to your strength!

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  6. I'm so sorry hon. We started trying for #2 around the same time you started trying for #2. I also have a luteal phase defect and have had three chemical pregnancies, one that went on long enough to really feel like a miscarriage. You're a rock star with a million friends to cry on--and I'm one of them.

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  7. Oh, Natalie, I'm so, so sorry. So very sorry. Hugs to you from Kansas. You are so very loved (and I hope that doesn't sound creepy).

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    1. Hi The Egg,

      if I may chime in - I've been trying to get pregnant for three and a half years now, and to say that stress plays a huge part is very hurtful to women with this kind of problem. There are certain physiological defects - in my case PCOS, in Nat's case a luteal phase defect - that have nothing to do with stress. Stress may be a factor for two perfectly fertile people (or where the reason for infertility is unknown), but not for many others.

      You wouldn't say to a person missing a limb "Oh, probably the stress is a reason that your hand doesn't grow back, so just stop focussing on it and it will." That may sound weird, but many infertility problems are in the same "physiological defect category". So please please please never suggest to a woman who's been trying for a long time that it's probably just stress - that sounds a lot like "It's your own fault." I can't count the number of times I've already heard it (by the way by women who never have these infertility problems of their own) and it makes me so sad and angry...

      Thanks for understanding!

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    2. Artemis,
      Thank you for your words. The last thing an infertile woman wants to hear is, "oh it's probably just stress. Just relax and it will happen." because like you said, it makes it all your fault when it is really not. Infertility is just as much a psychological hurdle as it is a physical hurdle to get over daily. Nothing makes you feel more weak and helpless than being the infertile one in a group of a million mommies. Thanks for speaking truth from your heart.
      Heidi

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    3. Amen Artemis and Heidi! As someone who's been trying to get pregnant for close to two years, few things make me as upset as those, "she just stopped trying and it happened" types of stories. Yeah, that does happen sometimes, but saying that to someone who's whole life revolves around the desire to get pregnant is SO hurtful and insensitive. The Egg-- if you see these comments, I hope you're not hurt, but that you learn from your words. I know it was coming from a good place.

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  9. i'm so sorry... much love. Valentina

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  10. My heart hurts for you. I've never tried to get pregnant, so I can't imagine the agony, but just know you have my heart and thoughts. Sending you much love (and lots of Pretty Little Liars eps for recovery). xoxo

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  11. I'm so sorry. It's so terrible and my heart aches for you. A baby's a baby, no matter how small and it still a tragic terrible loss. Prayers.

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  12. I'm so sorry, hugs and prayers sent your way!

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  13. i am so, so sorry. miscarriages are never easy, no matter what kind. we lost our second baby to a blighted ovum at 9 weeks, and when we saw a fertility specialist i told him about our first miscarriage. "it was probably just a chemical pregnancy," he said. but his words stung, because chemical pregnancies are still pregnancies. and losing one is never easy just because it's early. all the world's hugs to you.

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  14. I hope you are feeling the love from way over in Washington State because I am sending it like hotcakes. A whole stack of hotcake hugs -even though I am not much of a hugger- but hotcakes are warm and comforting and make me feel better when I am sad. So there you go. Hotcake love from Washington.

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  15. a million hugs and a million days resting is my wish for you. and also all the babies you desire. while resting and getting strong again you should check out Scandal on hulu +. kerri washington is so hot right now. xoxo

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  16. Oh Nat...

    ::hug::

    So, soooo very sorry. I can imagine how painful it must've been for you, and still is, natch. God willing everything will work out and you will be blessed with another baby (or two)...I have faith that you will, you both have so much more love to give, even with the immeasurable, boundless love you already have for your beautiful Huck.

    Sending you good vibes, good juju, peace - all of that good stuff.

    Take care and YOU be kind to yourself. Hugs!

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  17. Even if it's a "vague loss" to mourn...I think there's probably a much more specific loss to it, too. Mourning all of the hopes and plans and excitement in your body and what it could do, and probably feeling a different kind of capable and victorious and strong than knowing you otherwise struggle. And probably a lot more other things I can't even imagine. Thank you for writing about the realest things that hurt, too--because it truly does make your blog a blessing to follow. Sending good thoughts your way.
    And, if you haven't checked out The Staves's cover of "In the Morning" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epo0y6UuHDY), you definitely should. It's been on repeat with me through all sorts of moments--up and down.

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  18. This was beautifully written. You are so candid, and though I don't know you personally please accept my virtual hugs and well wishes. I hope you are able to rest and recover. Thank goodness for those sweet boys in your life to give you so many reasons to smile. Also, that was an excellent tune. XO.

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  19. It's funny, I'm just starting to get to the 1 year really-tough-how-is-this-ever-going-to-work-out part of my own exhausting infertility journey and I haven't shared much except with my husband and in my head I always think I should call you up and we'll have a cry about it. Then I see this post and have a good cry for the both of us. So I'll add you to my prayers for all the mamas out there and the some-day mamas like me. Hugs

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  20. Really sorry, Natalie. I've been through a miscarriage as well (a couple months in) and it is the literal worst. Sending you positive and healing vibes, lady!

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  21. I'm so sorry Natalie. I think one of the worst parts about my miscarriage was how high my hopes were one minute and how absolutely they crashed the next. Lie in a heap and let your boys love you.

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  22. Having struggled with fertility issues myself, I completely can relate to the frustration, the false hope, the devastation when it doesn't come through. Thinking of you during this time of loss for you and continue to love on that sweet-cheeked boy of yours - they are pretty great cheeks! I'm so sorry for your loss!

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  23. I had 3 chemical miscarriages in 5 months while trying for my second son. I was devastated by each of them but didn't feel like I was "allowed" to be because it was so early (just under 5 weeks for each one). Sending you a hug and hope for your future. Cling to it! I believe you will have another baby. My second has been a sweet gift of a boy from the moment he was born. Thank you for sharing.

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  24. Thinking about you, lady!

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  25. dearest fat rat of the nat variety,
    i had a chemical miscarriage (and didn't even know what it was until NOW!!) six years ago. i was depressed, angry, and oh, so sad. i hope the outcome for you is the same that it was for me, pregnant just two months later. hugs to you sweetest lady!!

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  26. As someone who had to do a few rounds of IVF before being blessed with my baby boy, my heart goes out to you. Infertility sucks, plain and simple. My thoughts are with you during this tough time. Give that sweet boy extra hugs and kisses!

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  27. I'm so sorry. :( Sending virtual hugs.

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  28. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I feel for you, and you're in my thoughts. I'm glad to see you reminding yourself of the love and happyness (and steak!) you have in your life. That's what gets us through the hard times.

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  29. Love reading your blog. I am infertile in a different sense. It was very easy to get pregnant with my (now 3 year old) daughter, but alas now that I am ready for my second baby my spouse does not want another child. At least not for a long while. This is frustrating and sad for me, but I know I am very lucky to have the beautiful babe that I already do. So I'm with you, waiting. Lots of hugs until our time comes again!

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  30. Love to you. I know no words are good enough, but I'm thinking of you.

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  31. Sorry to hear. It's a horrid feeling... that 'just knowing it's over' feeling. And the 'not really trying' and turning into a day-counting crazed woman. Be there. Done that.

    We have just made the decision that we are done with the whole baby-making saga. 3 years to get our darling boy took it's toll and I am done. We did IVF after 2 years which ended in a m/c and then my little bundle was a 'whoops, we weren't even trying' miracle. I can't emotionally go through any of that again. It's too hard and hurts to damn much.

    I pray for nothing but good things for you. Sending healing vibes for sunny Australia. Nic x

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  32. Virtual hug. I've had a "chemical" loss and it's also kind of a spiritual loss, a loss of a possibility. It is still miserable. I have two babies now though, and I hope happy positive thoughts for the same for you.

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  33. There's so much hokey golden truth in the Maria Von Trappism:

    Cry a little, and wait for the sun to come out. It always does.

    You're not alone. Lots of love to you.

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  34. Love and virtual hugs from Brooklyn!

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  35. Love and virtual hugs from Brooklyn!

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  36. I'm so sorry for you. I think no matter how early it is, you still feel terrible. Hanna Marie

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  37. I've been reading your blog anonymously for just ages, without ever commenting; but I've just got to. I've never stood where you're standing, but I have to tell you how much my heart aches for you today! I've known different kinds of loss, and it's the most empty, bruised feeling to lose a hope that you've cherished like that. I'm a praying woman, and my prayers are going up to heaven for you tonight.

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  38. Love and hugs to you dear lady. Let those boys positively smother you in love (and your own mama from a distance). Take care xo

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  39. Sorry for your loss...I love this version of Songbird by the way. You're time will come for your little angel to come down. Be strong, have faith, and I'll pray for your uterus! Love ya girl!

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  40. Hugs to you mama. I am sorry for your loss.

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  41. Sorry for your loss Natalie. I can't imagine how difficult it is to deal with it over and over. You're a strong person so I know you'll get through it and one day you'll be rewarded. Hugs from me as well!

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  42. hugs to you. i had two miscarriages (right at the end of my first trimaster) back to back between my daughters. i needed "help" staying pregnant. trying for my third has proven to be too much for me to handle. i too am sad but also incredibly blessed. i don't know how to let go but at this point in my life (i'm almost 40) i cannot justify the expense coupled with the uncertainty of ivf. (iui's didn't work for us.) i have two beautiful daughters but i feel like my family isn't finished yet... i'm not sure what that means.

    sorry for your loss. thank you for sharing. it makes some of us feel less alone in the journey. i'll say some prayers with my littles for you tonight.

    xoxoxo

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  43. I just thought I would say...My aunt and uncle tried for years and years to get pregnant, and had all but given up, when one day, the were visiting their other nieces and nephews, and rolled down a whole bunch of hills like they were little kids, and voila! My cousin is 11 now. A little centrifugal baby. Praying for you that you get all the babies your soul desires. Whether by natural centrifuge, or much more high tech centrifuge, or any of the other ways Mamas get their babies. xo

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  44. Thank you for your honesty. I'm sure it's hard to share, but knowing that other people out there have these experiences is a wonderful connector. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  45. So sorry for your loss, Nat. Thank you for your courage in writing about it- I know it's not easy. Take care of yourself, girlie. Hugs!

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  46. Miscarriages suck. I've had 4. I'm so very sorry for your loss (and it is a very major, very heartbreaking loss). Take care of yourself, let your body & your heart heal. xo

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  47. I just wrote out a long email to you and wound up deleting it because I am sure you are getting a ton. I am so so sorry Nat, this truly breaks my heart. Loss sucks. Sending love to you tonight. (Really am tearing up just thinking about it.) I am so so sorry.

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  48. Love to you from Brooklyn!

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  49. My heart (and uterus) ache for you. I know that kind of loss and its devastating no matter what stage of pregnancy. I'm sorry for your loss. You will be blessed with another miracle when the time is right. Hugs.

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  50. keeping you in my thoughts natalie. i wish, so very hard, for the best for you and your family. (eva cassidy also does a great cover of songbird).

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  51. I'm so sorry!!! Hugs and lots of love from Chicago!
    xox
    giedre

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  52. Oh, you sweet girl. I watch you (like a weird internet stalker) with Huck and think you deserve to have 100000 babies.

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  53. I'm so sorry for your loss and I appreciate you sharing your story. I have suffered two miscarriages. The loss is real! The hardest part is that very few people understand the loss. So much is wrapped up in the idea. Xoxo mama!

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  54. i'm so sorry, nat. thinking of you and sending good vibes your way!

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  55. I'm sorry. I learned about chemical miscarriages recently in class and it can be devastating. Stay Strong!

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  56. I had a miscarriage over a year ago, and it was absolutely the most traumatic event in my life. I was so shocked by how completely it devastated me. I was deeply, deeply depressed for many months, and even after I got through the worst of it, I felt like I was in a thick fog. Sometimes I felt like my feelings weren't completely valid, so I'm just here to validate all your feelings, whatever they may be. I'm so sorry, and I hope, hope, hope you're able to have another baby soon.

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  57. This is so honest and heart-breaking and beautifully written. I know you will be blessed with another little one someday. Hang in there :)

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  58. Oh, Natalie -- I'm sending love across Central Park to you. I can't imagine what you're going through and I won't pretend that I understand it, but I do remember my mother struggling with secondary infertility after she had me, and even as a small child I sensed how tough it was for her. She miscarried when I was about Huck's age and I know deep down that we have an even stronger bond because of it. I remember her tears and remember my dad taking care of her. I know everyone is different, but she was able to go on and have three more babies, so please don't lose hope! I am praying for you, and I don't even know you, but I do know that you will be a great mama to your future baby/ies, as you are to your firstborn. xoxoxox

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  59. I lost my baby at 5mts (this past October). I feel your pain and so love the fact that you share this with your readers.
    Sending you hugs and good vibes

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  60. So sorry Natalie. No matter how far along or what "kind" of miscarriage it always cracks your heart. I have had several (all were different durations) during my childbearing years. Now many years later as a menopausal woman I still feel that hurt when I read of another experiencing it and I weep a little. Good wishes to you at this tender time.

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  61. oh, nat. i'm so so sorry for what you've gone through. this truly breaks my heart, i can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. i know there's nothing i can say that will help, but know that you have some serious blog fan-girl love being sent your way!

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  62. Natalie, I love you for this. I love you for your open heart and true words. Thank you for everything.

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  63. sending love and prayers your way. xoxoxo.

    it's weird because my period was late about 8 days and I just got it.... now that I read this post ...i wonder...but I will never know since I did not take a pregnancy test.

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  64. Being connected to all the sadness in the world is no small thing and rather beautiful in it's own way. Surely these hard times mean that you have blessings and blessings that are storing up so that they can pour out on you sometime soon. hugs your way.

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  65. Oh Natalie, I am so sorry for you, how strong to put this out there into the world. Hugs and happy thoughts!!
    XX
    Naila

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  66. Your sign off just breaks my heart. But, as usual, you approach your sadness and loss with the most beautiful kind of humor. Thank you for sharing what you don't have to share.

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  67. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sending you extra love this week.

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  68. Natalie, I love you for this. I love you for your open heart and true words. Thank you for everything.

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  69. Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I had one of those a few years ago, and I remember being so surprised by a positive test that I kept taking them day after day, and I could see the lines getting lighter by the day, which was just a dreadful feeling. My prayers to you!

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  70. You are so brave to write about this. I always read your blog, but never comment. I had to comment this time to say, hang in there. You are going through something tailor-made for you, and man does it sound tough. But it's going to be worth it! So worth it. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

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  71. Sending you internet sympathy and love. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes "it's not the despair that gets me, its the hope." Surely there is another sweet little spirit on its way soon.

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  72. girl, you've got a place with all of us. so thankful for your truthful word and you beautiful heavy heart. we're all just doing our best. prayers for you spirit.

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  73. I'm so sorry, Natalie. I want to cry with you. You are loved.

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  74. Oh, sweet Nat, I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Samantha

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  75. I'm so sorry to hear this, Natalie. My thoughts are with you and your family. It's also so brave of you to be willing to share your struggles and heartbreak. <3

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  76. Oh I'm so sorry. It took us 3 years (and lots of well spent money) to get me to my present state of 9 months pregnant, I feel that any loss is just that, a loss and no amount of time can totally heal a loss. My heart goes out to you. <3

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  77. Thanks for being so open about your struggles. I am in a similar spot- trying and repeatedly miscarrying. It is devastating and disheartening, even with a beautiful toddler there to share your days with. (Coincidentally, my name is also Natalie and my son's name is Henry- so I think it's clear we are soul sisters for real!) I am eternally grateful for people like you that make me realize I am not alone. I have faith our times will come and I just pray that we can endure the wait and go forward one day at a time. Take care of yourself and thank you again.

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  78. Thank you for sharing this. I just went through my first chemical miscarriage, and had no idea what they even were till experiencing it for myself. More power to you for sharing here, embracing life and moving forward.

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  79. One of my dearest friends suffered a miscarriage over the weekend too - my heart is breaking for the both of you :( You're in my prayers!

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  80. Oh Natalie, I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing. I always love and appreciate how candid you are on this corner of the internet. I guess maybe I'm just ignorant but I had no idea what a chemical miscarriage is. Thank you for being brave enough to inform silly/ignorant people like myself. You're a trooper!

    PS - I believe in your uterus! (very likely an awkward thing to say to someone you don't know but it truly is heartfelt).

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  81. I can only second what everyone's said. My thoughts are with you (and hopping for success in whatever that means and brings in the near future). Here's to the fall, right Natalie!

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  82. I lactated for four years after my daughter was born, and I didn't even breast feed her! Boobs can be so weird.

    Thank you for being so open about your struggle, this post really resonated with me. We've been trying for almost 14 months, and I've had two chemical miscarriages so far, and man are they rough. The first time it happened two days after a very faint positive, and it just completely wrecked me. It's amazing how attached you can get within two days of finding out - how many thoughts, hopes, and dreams you can build up in such a short time.

    I've went back in your archives and reread some of your posts about infertility and they've really comforted it me. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but something about knowing I'm not the only one going through it makes it hurt just a little less. I don't like talking about my struggles trying to conceive because I always feel like people are going to judge me by how upset I get. I have a 5 year old, so I feel a little selfish complaining about my issues getting pregnant when there's so many women out there who can't have any children, and yet I already have one. Ya know?

    This comment was probably random and all over the place. I just wanted to say thank you for your honesty, and I feel your many. Much love and hugs to you.

    xo,
    K.

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  83. Oh Natalie, I'm so so sorry. I cannot even imagine. Sending so much love to you, girl!

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  84. Natalie, you and your sweet family are in my thoughts and prayers.
    xo
    Janae

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  85. Keep your chin up girlie!!! And thank you sooo much fo this post.You're stronger than you think you are!

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  86. Keep your chin up girlie!!! And thank you sooo much fo this post.You're stronger than you think you are!

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  87. you can do this! i believe in you! lots and lots of love coming to you from idaho!

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  88. So sorry to hear.... I can't imagine how tough that must be on you. Prayers to you and your family right now.

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  89. Any loss is difficult in its own way. I'm so sorry for yours. Sending love and sweet thoughts to you and your beautiful family.

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  90. So sorry! I'm 4 weeks post my miscarriage at 12 weeks. It's devestating no matter how far along someone is. What a crummy club to be a member of. No fun at all. Keep writing about it & processing/sharing. Thanks for your transperancy- so helpful to others. Sending fertile-filled thoughts your way!

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  91. A loss is a loss and I'm so sorry for yours. Hugs! Saying a prayer that another baby will come your way soon, soon, soon!

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  92. I'm really sorry for your loss natalie. I've been reading your blog for a few months and i relate to you a lot. My boyfriend and i have been trying to conceive for 1 1/2 years and we decided to meet a dr this august. If i could just have one baby i'd feel so blessed. I'm afraid i can't at all. Anyway... you have a lovely boy and you seem to be surrounded with lots of positive energy. Wish you & your uterus luck for the next months. Marie

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  93. I am so sorry. You don't deserve this, none of us do. You go on and lay yourself down in a tragical sort of way as long as you possibly need. Maybe read some Lady of Shallot while you're at it. You've got a big heart, one that understands that sadness and happiness of every possible kind is connected. And even though we're strangers, me and my jalopy of a uterus are sending our prayers and thoughts to you all the way from Portland, OR.
    xoxo

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  94. My heart aches for you, Nat. I loved your line about feeling connected to all the sadness in the world- such a beautiful way to put it.

    On another note, the comments on this thread give me hope that the world isn't as awful and selfish as we make it out to be. Maybe there's hope for humanity yet?

    Love.

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  96. Stay strong and have faith. Your baby will find you one day. Take care babe.

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  97. We love you. Stay strong!

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  98. I'm so sorry to read this Natalie! I can't wait for the happy, "Huck is going to be a big brother" post. Keep a truckin'. It will happen!

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  99. You are such a strong woman. It will all work out, but for now, I am sorry for your loss. Much love.

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  100. I am so sorry for your loss, I hope you know how much you are truly inspiring me and so many others. I enjoy all of your post and appreciate you sharing something SO personal with all of us. I believe in my heart that it will happen for you and your family and I cannot wait for the day. Stay strong, you have so many people rooting for you!!

    p.s
    Go watch Vampire Diaries, that usually ALWAYS makes me feel better ;) (team damon)

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  101. Hugs to you Natalie!

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  102. Hi Nat,

    I have been reading your blog for awhile and I love it. I don't usually comment on blogs ever, but I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. My husband moved out of our house just over a week ago, so we are now separated. My heart is broken and shattered into a million pieces and in its place is a big gaping hole- so I understand what you mean by the pain you're feeling.

    It's hard to hang on to this truth- but things happen for a reason and have a way of working out. We just have to hold on to faith that the good Lord won't put us through anything we can't handle, and that the pain and hard days we are facing right now are only preparing us for something so much better that He has planned for us ahead- better than we might have planned for ourselves.

    I hope you can find a little more joy in each day. And believe me when I say I know it's impossible to see the happier days ahead- but just know that another hurting soul out there is curled up in her bed praying for you.

    My love and all the best,
    Shelly

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  103. Natalie take care, it takes a bit of guts to write about something like this on such a public space. I love your blog, your writing but I hope you take care- enjoy the sunshine!- and start afresh :-)

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  105. I am so sorry Nat. Lots of love for you and your family from Singapore!

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  106. Dearest dearest girl, you are in my heart. I have had the same situation which you are describing here, happen to me over the last 2 months. My period was 10 days late and I was sure feeling something beging different about my body and I was allowing myself to actually hope that it might work this time,..... but no, my period came and I was lost in hormones and sadness. We have stopped trying to get pregnant. Instead, my husband and I are trying to feel free to calm and enjoy making love and praying to God for a child to come into our life. If it does not, then we pray God to grand us with the realisation that our life is already blessed and beautiful and full. I feel you. Your words heal my heart. Thank you.

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  107. So sorry to hear Nat, thinking and praying for your sweet self xxxx

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  108. I haven't been in your shoes and I certainly don't know how you feel, but my heart hurts for you and I want to send you my thoughts and prayers.

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  109. so many of us have been through that. it really sucks. really really sucks. especially when you know how hard it is to get pregnant on your own. sorry to hear, mama. best of luck when the timing is right.
    www.thismomsgonnasnap.com

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  110. Natalie, thanks for being so vulnerable. You are a light in this world-lots of prayers. Oh and that song ahhhhhg how did you know?! Xo

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  111. Natalie - you make me want to be a better writer. A better person. A better eventual-mom. Hurting for you in your loss, hopeful for your future. You've got a bright one for sure. Much love, Natalie

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  112. I'll be thinking about you this week and sending lots of healing vibes. Like so many women I understand how you are feeling because of my own miscarriage. It was devastating and so terribly sad. I wish making babies wasn't such a powerless and heart-wrenching process at times. I'm happy though you get to see the positive side of it whenever you look at your beautiful boy. Take care of yourself.

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  113. I'm so sorry for you...
    You are such a strong girl, Natalie Hollbrook, a very strong girl.
    You're an inspiration for us.
    Take care of you!

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  114. Natalie, thank you for sharing what is so personal and so important to you. I want you to know that despite the pain that is written all over your beautiful words, it is undeniable that you are a mother with hope. So keep hoping! It is so very obvious how much you love your little Huck (I LOVE your photos!), and how grateful you are for your family. The boys in your family are so very blessed to have a mom/wife like you :)

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  115. Natalie you are truly amazing and that's all that need to be said. xxx

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  116. I know it's probably been said a hundred times already, but I am truly sorry, Natalie! :( You are one of my favorite bloggers to follow and it's hard to see you hurting so much. I wish you and your family all the best! xo

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  117. Words cannot describe how sorry I am for your loss. Every time I read your new post I'm hoping to read about the big news, every single time! We've been struggling to get pregnant for over four years and you Natalie made me see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are simply amazing and everything you write about getting pregnant is a pure reflection of what I'm feeling. Thank you!

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  118. Ok, I'm crying, I send you all my love Nat, and I'm sure you would get there, I'm convinced of that!! And that day when you write another post on your second pregnancy I would cry again!!

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  119. Miss Nat,

    Sending so much love in your direction.

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  120. As a longtime blogger-not-commenter I felt I had to say something when I read this, even though I suppose there is really nothing to say. I am so sorry, and I am one of thousands of women who are praying, willing, hoping and wishing for all the very very very best for you and your beautiful family. You are strong, funny and brave and you deserve the absolute best of life. With love, Milly xx

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  121. I'm so sorry. I've had two chemical pregnancies. The first one was less than 6 months after we started trying, and I got over it pretty quickly, telling myself it was a good sign that I could get pregnant. Two years later, I had another, and it flattened me because I really didn't have much hope left. We've done some fertility treatments and were on a break in May. I got a positive test, and then a negative test and a negative test at the clinic. I figured it was happening again. I still hadn't started my period the next week, so I got beta draws, and (most beautiful words in the English language) my HCG levels doubled. It was a miracle, and it is still happening. I'm 7w6d today, terrified and mad at myself for not letting myself be overjoyed. Good luck with your treatments in the fall, and I'm sorry you're riding this rollercoaster of emotions. Continue to be kind to yourself and hold your boys tight.

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  122. Oh I am so very sorry to hear this. Miscarriages are truly horrid and I just want to scoop you up, give you a big hug and feed you extraordinary amounts of ice cream. Tha you for being brave enough to write about it, I always found it helps to know you are not alone in a world that suddenly seems filled with bumps and babies.

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  123. i failed at composing a comment worth my thoughts so i'm just going to say that i sincerely hope that you get everything you wish for.
    xx

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  124. Sad news. I haven't heard of a chemical miscarriage before, but I'm really sorry you've had to experience that :(
    I'm hoping that out of this sad experience, something good will happen soon for you :)

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  125. Breaks my heart to read! Thank you for being such an open and honest blogger. Love to you!

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  126. Oh Nat. Your determination to share and the beautiful way you do is the reason I, and so many like you and I, take to our blogs to share, to be comforted and to open our hearts a little wider in the hopes that our baby will come through widened door. I hear you lady. Chemical miscarriages and I go way back. Waaaaaaay back. xox

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  127. Sorry that you had to experience this! I have had this happen twice and it is such a tease. For me it was a reminder that I could get pregnant when I felt like my body had given up on me:) Hang in there!!!

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  128. You are such a trooper - and very inspiring, even (especially) in hard times.
    Big hugs. xo

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  129. Nat - words cannot adequately express how thankful I am for your willingness to share this part of your life with the world, and certainly cannot properly address how sorry I am for your loss. I'm constantly impressed by your ability to remain open and honest with us strangers throughout all of the ups and downs that life tends to throw upon a person. Aside from all of the inherent awfulness of miscarriages, I think one of the worst things is that people don't tend to talk about them and women often feel so alone in the process. Thanks for fighting against that and for always being an inspiring blogger for the rest of us. Hang in there, we love you!

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  130. Nat, you and your beautiful words are in my thoughts.

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  131. Natalie I am so so sorry for your loss. What an awful thing to happen. I've been ttc for nearly two years now and I am the worst for getting my hopes up. Literally every month I convince myself I'm pregnant, I try to fight it but fail. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. It really helps to read your posts about infertility and know that I am praying SO HARD that this happens for you. Lots of love xoxo

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  132. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are right to be kind to yourself and your emotions. Miscarriage is very much a real loss, but there's sort of this added difficulty to the grieving because you don't really have anything tangible from the experience. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but it's sort of how I felt. Aching for you, and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing something so difficult. Always enjoy your blog :)

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  133. Oh no, I am so sorry. The loss is always heart wrenching and devastating no matter when or how it happens. I had one at 3 months before I was pregnant with my now 20-month old. Time helps. Thank you for sharing! Sharing helps you as much as it helps all of us.

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  134. I'm so sorry. Any miscarriage is devastating whether it happens at two weeks or twenty. Sending you big hugs and prayers.

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  135. I am so, so, sorry Nat. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. :(

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  136. Nat, I'm a big fan of your blog and writing. I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, but I have my own version... we've tried for a baby for 7 years. We had one "real" miscarriage and probably more than a few chemical miscarriages. I was diagnosed with luteal phase deficiency, then when the treatments for that didn't work, they wrote "unexplained infertility" on my chart. It hurt so much to see that with my eyes and with the eyes of my heart. Turn your focus. Strengthen yourself and keep fighting. You have a mother's heart and it. is. going. to happen. I'm proof, I am now carrying my very first baby, headed into my third trimester, seven years later..right before we decided to throw our own wad of cash at my uterus... By the complete grace of God, no fertility help needed. I will be thinking of you and sending you thoughts of love and strength. It's going to work. Don't stop dreaming.

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  137. Nat,

    Girl I am so with you, earlier this month I too suffered a chemical miscarriage. It's so weird to feel so connected with something so new, and to feel so disconnected with your body in the moment that it is letting you down.

    These momma bodies are sure finicky, no?

    I personally believe that these are happening to prepare you for the baby of all babies that will soon be on it's way to you.

    Until then, here's an awkward hug (since we've never met) and good uteri juju comin' atcha straight from OHIO.

    Jess
    www.thejesselaine.com

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  138. Oh so sorry to hear about this. I have had two chemical miscarriages in the past year - one in October and another in January - and had my first IUI last week (original first one became a TI due to uncooperative lady parts). Like you I have a LPD tho if I remember correctly mine is the reverse of yours, great eggs but uber late ovulation in that AF arrives before the blast has time to get comfy. I wish ya'll luck in your journey; prayers, kind thoughts, baby dust and everything else.

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  139. I am not one to pray much but I have found a lot of comfort when people have said they would pray for me. And so I will pay it forward and keep you in my prayers. You describe the loss and the humility you feel facing the hard and the unknown in such a candid and real way. For all that everybody goes through, you live and describe it in a way that I feel connected to as well. Every bit of sadness you feel is legitimate and it is important to go through it fully and not ignore it or be ashamed of it. I wish you the very best. You certainly deserve it. xo love, Laurie

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  140. Oh Nat, I was sad to read what has happened here to you but i'm overwhelmed by your good attitude: you say things how they are, but you count your blessings and are capable of being positive/hopeful. I see you as a very strong lady. Please continue to be kind to your body, your emotions and your state of mind, I know it must not be the easiest thing. Your wonderful boys will be looking after you too, i'm sure :) Namaste to your uterus and all the other uterus/uteri out there! Lou xx

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  141. I am so sorry for what you're going through right now. I'm not at a point where I'm trying to get pregnant, but my sister is unable to have children and my heart just bleeds for her and any other woman struggling to create a new life. It's so often a sad, dark and lonely place to be and sharing this with us is brave and I hope it brings a little light to your darkness. Thanks for, once again, being so raw - you definitely don't conform to the "my-life-is-perfect" persona so many people put out there. It's refreshing.

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  142. I understand how you feel connected to all the sadness in the world, that happens to me sometimes too. I am sorry. I started trying to get pregnant almost a year ago and it seems just as I started to try all my periods went out of wack. I used to be the most on time period girl ever, maybe I am having some chemical miscarriages? Thanks for sharing your sadness, and that song is PERFECT. Thank you.

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  143. I am so sorry for what you're going through. You're very brave for sharing your story as many women can relate. Big hugs to you!

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  144. I'm sorry to hear about your loss natalie -- thinking of you! xo

    http://allthingsprettyandlittle.blogspot.com/

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  145. Oh Natalie, I am so sorry. I'll be thinking of you, stay strong mama.

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  146. I'm so sorry, Natalie. BTDT 5x - from 6 weeks to 21 weeks. It's absolute agony. I even went a little crazy for a few years. Be kind to yourself and do whatever it takes to get through it. Best of luck.

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  147. I'm so sorry to read this Natalie, big hugs from France, be strong.

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  148. Virtual hugs. You are amazing and so so loved.

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  149. I haven't commented on your blog before but have been reading for a few months and so appreciate your honesty and the pictures of your beautiful, beautiful boy (mine is 17 months, and we are across the river, in Brooklyn). You already have so many comments of love and support and sympathy, but this seems like a situation where you can't have to many. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so happy you have the sweet child that you do have, and hope that with some help, you can have another. Be gentle with yourself. It is not your fault. Nature is what it is.

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  150. Hugs from Boston, Natalie. XO

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  151. I am so sorry, any loss is hard no matter how it happens. You have such a beautiful way of writing and expressing your feelings.Thank you for being so honest and brave. Hugs to you. <3

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  152. Sending love + hugs your way. XO

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  153. Natalie, I have never commented before but wanted to share that I have now had 2 miscarriages this year. I had an 11 week miscarriage in February and a chemical pregnancy in May. The sadness was crippling for me. Remember to be good to yourself and take time to grieve. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing with us all; you are so strong. <3

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  154. Thinking of you ... My husband and I went through this same thing last year. And, you're right ... my midwife told me this is a real miscarriage (she thinks it sounds like it's being discounted by calling is a 'chemical pregnancy'). While it might make it harder, it relieves the awkwardness of "well, you know ... when we had ... I was sort of ...". The good news is that you know you CAN get pregnant. There are some really amazing things your OB can do ... next time you 'try' they can test your levels, and give you a supplement if it is in fact something to do with your luteal phase. I wouldn't get scared about having to go the fertility treatment just yet. We ended up with a healthy pregnancy (so far) a few months after our last CP. It's just about your body and the embryo being in perfect sync ... it will happen for you. I hope that you can make it through this tough time. Not that you forget, but that you find comfort in the fact that you are a loving mama, and you'll have another baby one day if it's what you guys hope for!!

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  155. I'm so sorry. Hugs from Pittsburgh, and a little bit of Anne-lovin'...
    "Anne always remembered the silvery, peaceful beauty and fragrant calm of that night. It was the last night before sorrow touched her life; and no life is ever quite the same again when once that cold, sanctifying touch has been laid upon it.”

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  156. Sweetheart - i've been reading your blog for eternity, and i love you so much!! i don't share your religion, and i hope that doesn't matter - i do share your infertility struggles and feel your chemical pregnancy pain. We've been doing clomid, charting, temping all that jazz - and it totally blows. honestly blows. i've had four cp's in a row and i want to tear down the walls of my newly constructed home. I also have a three and a half year old who we got knocked up with by like looking at each other, so i just don't get it. And I try SO hard to just put my energy into loving him. But it's hard sometimes, isn't it? I mean, I love that darn thing more than life itself but isn't it okay to want more? My husband is having a really hard time with it because he thinks I should be happy with what we've got. Feels like a bit of a slap in the face - i am!! i am!! I love my Maxwell!! But i want to carry another baby, i want to nurse another baby, i want people to ask me for belly rubs (if they're not creepy). Anyway, darling. I'm right over here with you, crying and hurting and loving what I got just as much as i can. xo julia

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  157. I'm really sorry to hear that. I just read your post. I listened to the song..my eyes filled with tears. I can't imaging your pain. I hope little Huck still is able to lift your spirits through this difficult time. I hope one this dream will come true. I've watched Guilianna Rancic's journey and cried so many tears. Praying for your sadness to ease away.

    Thanks for sharing.

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  158. I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and at the same time I am completely in awe of your honesty and strength. Immediately, my mind went to your Mother's Day post, where, at the end, you said, "even most especially you mamas-in-waiting. i feel so strongly that this holiday really belongs to you who yearn, because you are doing the hardest work. your hearts are loving the biggest love, are fighting the hardest fights, are taking the biggest, scariest leaps of faith...fist bumps and hang in there." Not to undermine ANYTHING you're going through or feeling, but truly...fist bumps and hang in there.

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  159. Nat, thanks for sharing....I have a three year old boy, Lucas, then two miscarriages and finally no I´m 12 weeks pregnat....but i´m scared. I don´t know what it´s going to happen but i feel the most lucky person for be Lucas´ mother. Mucho ├ínimo y muchos besos desde Madrid!!!!!!!!

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  160. Thank you for sharing. Sending you love + hugs!

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  161. I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been a strength to me and I thank you for it. As I'm going through fertility treatments and think how much I hate my hormones, I remember your posts and get up the gumption to hang in there. Wishing you a very cold Dr. Pepper and peace in your soul.

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  162. Love & light to you and yours.

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  163. Hey Natalie.

    I don't think I've ever commented on here before, but just wanted to say that I am so sorry. I have miscarried twice - at eight and then at fourteen weeks. Both were horrible. I am pregnant right now, about ten weeks along, and on bedrest because they found a small tear in the gestational sack. Hoping it heals, but it's really 50/50. Just so you know you're not alone, cause I know it can feel like that. I think it's really smart of you to share this with the internet world - it's easy to become very isolated in the world of infertility.

    Anyway, I hope your body starts feeling better soon. I've heard that the endorphins released from holding your own child are equal to that that are released if you cut yourself... yeah, morbid, but I mean, you know. Just hold that little dude and it will help you heal, truly.

    Love, Brooke

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  164. I don't know if it makes a difference to get another comment from someone you don't know but I'm so very sorry and wishing you and your darling family a lot of love and happiness.

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  165. Fucking. Sucks. There is nothing else I can say to make you feel better or take away your pain. There is no advice I can give or suggestions I can make. It just simply fucking sucks. Let yourself feel all the things...

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  166. Hey Natalie, so sorry to hear about all of that. Hope your body and soul are better soon :) Love&Peace, AJ

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  167. Nat, so sorry. I know how important this is to you. I had two chemical miscarriages and they were both devastating. On both I had taken a positive pregnancy test and one I heaved a sigh of relief after trying to get pregnant for a while. On the first one, I just thought, oh no, I can stop this if I just try hard enough. If I just lie down it will all stop! And it didn't. I was watching a friend's kids and I just didn't have the heart to tell her, I shouldered it alone. I told myself I was being silly, after all women go through and considering how late some women miscarry. But it was still so real to me. I still grieved big time for what I lost. The next time it happened, I decided not to go it alone. There are so many women out there who have been through so much and are ready to offer a shoulder. I was so glad I was open the second time, it made it much easier to deal with. And I ended up getting pregnant for real the very next month. I know this is probably no comfort to you, who has been through so much, but just know you are not alone! There are so many of us out there rooting for you. Even if we haven't been through the exact thing, we have all been through something and we are cheering you on.

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  168. First off, I'm sorry for all that you're going through. It can't be easy. I love coming to this blog and reading about you and your little family. I always hope to hear good news that you guys are expecting again and I believe it will happen in good time. Wishing you the best! Sending big hugs from your very own hood (UWS!)

    xo

    Amanda
    www.delicepastiche.com

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  169. Natalie, you're a strong girl and your bravery is amazing! Hang in there...xo

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  170. You're amazing. Crying with you. i lost my brother this past month to a car crash and am feeling the sadness of the world right along with you. Hearts and hugs.

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  171. I'm sorry Natalie, If I could I would give you a huge hug. Its going to be ok I just know it.

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  172. sending love and prayers your way xxx

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  173. Thank you for this very honest post. I'm LDS and I have been following you for awhile, and really love your honesty.

    I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but so glad that you are able to help many with your openness.

    Jazmin

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  174. i'm so sorry to hear that you went through this miscarriage. i had an ectopic and intrauterine pregnancy at the same time a few months ago and obviously they both had to be assisted in a miscarriage. i understand that horrible empty feeling and bawling your eyes out uncontrollably. i remember my sisters and my mom telling me that the pregnancy couldn't continue because there is something wrong with the baby. that concept seems really hard to grasp at the time but over the months i know it's true. they also reminded me that these babies get to be a part of our eternal family and we'll be with them in heaven. i can't wait to see those babies one day and i'm sure you can't wait to meet yours. Heavenly Father is watching out for you. you will get that second baby and that will be a glorious day. best of luck and prayers to you. xo

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  175. It always happens to the people who deserve it least. You'll get your miracle soon, I'm sure of it.

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  177. Beautiful post, Natalie. I had a chemical pregnancy a few years back and just had a feeling from the very first positive pregnancy test that something wasn't right. It was nagging and nagging at me so I took another test the next day and it was only faintly positive. I braced myself for what I knew was happening but when my period came on while I was sitting at my desk at work the next day I was still completely devastated. It was the hardest thing stifling tears all day long so no one would notice I was sitting there having a miscarriage. I made many trips to bathroom to sob and still think about who that little baby was to this day. So, yes, it is a very real loss and your feelings are completely valid. Best of luck to you my sweet sister.

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  178. I hate that that happened to you. I hate that that happens to anyone. Big hugs from Savannah. xo

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  179. Ive never commented but im a loyal reader to your blog. So sorry you've gone through this. I myself have had 3 miscarriages in the last year and am afraid that I am pregnant again. Just wanted to say thank you for the honesty you pour into your blog. Its kind of nice knowing other people are in the same boat as you sometimes. And yes, be thankful for that little baby of yours that you have already!

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  180. Ive never commented but im a loyal reader to your blog. So sorry you've gone through this. I myself have had 3 miscarriages in the last year and am afraid that I am pregnant again. Just wanted to say thank you for the honesty you pour into your blog. Its kind of nice knowing other people are in the same boat as you sometimes. And yes, be thankful for that little baby of yours that you have already!

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  181. Natalie, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. When I had a miscarriage last March, I felt like I kept trying to categorize my grief, and say, "Well, at least it wasn't later, or I didn't give birth to a terribly sick baby." My loss was at 7 weeks. I think i was trying to make myself feel better, but the fact is that you've lost a baby either way. There is the physical loss, but also the loss of all the plans for life with a little one joining the family. So grieve as much as you need, and take good care of yourself. As time marches on, the pain will fade. In the mean time, take comfort knowing how many people are thinking of you, and cheering for Baby #2. And thanks for sharing your fertility struggles from time to time. I'm now about 20 months into my own infertility struggle, and I do take comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Your posts and the subsequent comments are sad but also uplifting, as we're all kind of in this together.

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  182. Oh, Natalie. I'm so so sorry. Thinking about you, lady.

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  183. I'm giving you the biggest hug. So sorry, Natalie. I'm listening to the song you included and I'm tearing up for you (and I've never even met you. The joy of the internet.). You take care.

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  184. Natalie I'm so sorry :( You're my hero. Thanks for being willing to share your story. You've made the biggest difference for me on my journey and it means so much to me. You really were so much of a turning point that even my husband has been like, "Well at least you found that blog." I went in for my IVF injection training class yesterday and came out wishing I could opt of it like gym class or that I could call customer service and ask for a functioning body that produces baby the old fashioned way instead of this massive science project I'm about to embark out full of HORMONES, so many hormones. And then I remember that at least this science project is possible and it makes me feel a little better. Anyway, you're a champ. I feel your pain. Sister on the couch in the fetal position.

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  185. Endlessly sorry for your pain, I know it too well. We lost our first in the 14th week and it was and remains the most difficult pain imaginable. I love your positive spin on the fact that your body can do it, as that is a true gift in itself. Lot of hugs and good thoughts your way. How brave you are to share your story and in doing so, comfort so many other women likely experiencing something similar.

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  186. I've suffered both kinds, five in all. They are all painful and hard no matter the timing. Sending prayers your way.

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