All That Glitters

The other night I painted my fingers a sparkly gold. I was reviewing my miles long to-do list, it really is miles long you know, and my exhausted brain suddenly clicked into survival mode. Paint your nails! my brain commanded. And you know me, I always do what I'm told (my husband wishes!)

I have a hard and fast personal rule on nail polish, which is that it isn't for me. My fingers are too long, my nail beds too wide. I inherited my hands from my dad, who inherited his hands from his dad, and so as much as I appreciate looking at my hands and being able to say hello to two paternal generations, it is not so much the excitement for manicures. During the Black Nail Polish Fad Of 2008 I looked like I was wearing olives. It was really depressing, I felt that loss from the bottom of my heart.

My sister Amanda has perfect nails, at least so my mother always told me growing up. She has the perfect nails and the perfect elastic skin. At the time I didn't quite get the part about elastics but now with a nearing-thirty face I am starting to see the appeal.

I put on the nail polish, because as it turns out, sitting for ten minutes with your hands out of commission is a good way to take a self-imposed meditation break. Sort things out, you know. Watch a little Charlie Brown Christmas.

I took my sparkly nails to work today and together we got to pinch lots of fat baby cheeks. Isn't that fantastic? I choose to believe my sparkly nails manifested those babies. I love the mall at Christmas time. I love the over-stressed moms who come in with their babies because I love nothing more than cooing at fat things and they love nothing more than a moment's peace while they smell body splashes. After a particularly grumpy fatty came by to woo me I told a coworker that the babies were making my ovaries vibrate. She looked at me like maybe I was insane which is so confusing because, don't your ovaries vibrate ever? To be fair she was only 19. And anyway, not hardly work appropriate conversation, your reproductive organs. I blame the nails. They're just sparkly, you know. Sparkles do things to the brain.

After work I let my nails escort me to the Old Navy where I have been hounding - practically stalking! - a sweater that I keep hoping will go on sale. It was not on sale (and they were out of my size) but that was okay because everywhere I went in the Old Navy everyone stopped to tell me how great my nails were. Old Navy loves the glitters! And I was realizing it was getting to my head but I liked this new power, these saucy new fingers.

Those nails just kept on being sparkly and I couldn't help but feel that I was bringing important Christmas Cheer to every place I went. But then a terrible thing happened when I tried to deposit a lousy check for $25 and the ATM ate my debit card. Those glittery nails themselves sent that card through the thing. That's when I started to wonder. 

When I got home Brandon decided to make me dinner. This is very kind of him because due to work and my attempts at holiday traditions my kitchen has been completely ignored lately. It's just the saddest thing. I go in there and all of the cupboards frown at me. They're all, "Oh, it's you," and I have to leave before they see the tears.

Anytime Brandon gets in the kitchen it is this grand to-do of culinary adventure. Every pan in the cupboard is used, every sauce in the fridge is consulted, and there is always a special ingredient that you are obligated to try and guess while you eat. Hmmm, is it coriander? Ginger? This time, it was onion flakes.

After dinner was finished we sort of looked at each other and contemplated our evening. I was thinking of Mutual and finishing a felt ruffle wreath and Brandon had visions of Tax Law finals and I knew what was probably going to happen to all those pans in the kitchen, and three times I tried not to say it, but the nails man, those damn sparkles made me do it.

"When I make dinner I usually do the dishes," I said. The minute it was out of my mouth I knew I was in for it. Who says that kind of thing? 

And then what happened?

My Holbspapi did the dishes, scrubbed the counters, and put all the sauces in the fridge back to their chilly spaces.

The sparkles have received a stay of execution.


  1. You crack me up..I love your blog!

  2. If sparkly nails can make other people do the dishes, sign me up! I love your stories!

  3. just to even the world out during your stay of execution...maybe use those sparkly nails and scratch his back....

    use them for good....oh sparkly one.


  4. A great post as usual. I need sparkly nails too. My life just does not have enough glamour in it that's for sure.

  5. Are you making THIS ruffle felt wreath?

    Because ever since I saw it, I can think of nothing else. How is it going?

  6. Clearly, I need to get this sparkly polish on my fingers ASAP! :-D

  7. I do love help in the kitchen. I'd love it if my dh surprised me with dinner. Nice!

  8. Oh Natalie...I laughed right out loud a number of times this post. How does so much wit and charm fit into one person?! I think my favorite part (although it's hard to choose)was the part about the particularly grumpy fatty who came by to woo you. Yeah. Fits of giggles, that one inspired.

    PS I understand the vibrating ovaries! Only mine weep when I see darling gurgly babies. They weep for wanting, see? (Only guess what? One of my friends, who I THOUGHT would understand weeping ovaries, twisted it, and she's like, "Wait, what? Are you on your period?" Gross, no! We're talking about the want of a child here!) Maybe I'll start saying "My ovaries are vibrating" from now on. -Because, dang it all, there are cute fat babies, in all their innocent and adorable glory EVERYWHERE I LOOK! The fact that I'm an unwed LDS gal with an always-current Temple recommend...well, it makes me realized that babies are best thought of as Figments of My Imagination. But my imagination is so active and great, Natalie!

    Moving on...

    Still laughing about your comment "During the Black Nail Polish Fad Of 2008 I looked like I was wearing olives." Bwa ha! I've got long, skinny fingers, and people assume I'm this great pianist. Makes me kick myself for quitting after a year or two of lessons, you know.

    Also, I hate it when people assume I'm this stellar basketball player just because I'm taller than the average man. No, people, I'm just tall. I completely lack the understanding and coordination to play ball.

    Wow. Long-winded comment from the ginabean. My apologies...

  9. You crack me up. The End.

  10. Sparkly nail polish! I love it! I'm wearing silver sparkles on my hands right now. This is by far one of my favorite posts. Have a wonderful Christmas!

  11. I too shy away from nail polish because of my large nail beds.

    But now, now I am INSPIRED! I'm going to buy some sparkley nail polish and go with it. Because it's the holidays, dang it, and because if Nat can do it, so can I!

  12. i am thusly requesting pictures of your nails because i happen to have a husb who swears i have the biggest thumb-nails in all of time. and i swear i do not. but perhaps we should compare? let me know how you feel about this :)

    xo, em

  13. This post was truly golden (pun!) dear Nat. Made me so happy, almost giddy, to read. I believe there is now sparkly nail polish on my horizon which speaks volumes of your writing ability. These are not polish nails. Toes, yes, but nails, not so much.

    Vibrating ovaries! YES! At a recent family affair, I held my cousin's fat little 9 month old. I looked right at her mama and said "Every time I lay eys on this child, my ovaries light up like a pinball machine." It is truth.

  14. Thanks to you, I will now have glittery nails! Even if it tears apart the cotton puffs when I try to take it off later!

    (But if it makes my hubs work around the house or put up Christmas lights, I am all for it!)

  15. That helped my was a rather unsatisfying day...I totally understand the "vibrating ovaries"....and even now at 51 I still get the yearning....when does it calm down! I too rarely paint the nails though they do look nice when I just seem to chip them so easily somehow. You are a joy to read...thank you ....thank you!

  16. Reading your blog is just too much fun, especially when it concerns SPARKLY THINGS! :)

  17. Sparkly nail polish, apparently, is powerful. I must procure some immediately, as I am in need of some Christmas magic. And truly I understand the ovarian vibrations when a fat gushy baby is present. There is just something to them that sets the reproductive organs a-flutter

  18. Nat, I love reading your blog. You ALWAYS make me laugh, snort and hoot and then make me jealous that I don't write as good am as creative. What is wrong with me to think like that. Maybe I need sparkly nail polish. I hope it is still on tomorrow- I'm dying to see it in all its powers. seriously, I am.
    ALSO, My aunt always tells me a phrase- but I will substitute words to better fit what I'm trying to say : When you write as good as you do- you owe it to the world to write more- write a book. You'd be amazing, best seller and a millionaire. (and hire us to do your dirty work :)

  19. Long live the sparkles!

  20. ...but see, I think my nail beds are too LITTLE. I would LOVE to have wide nail beds.

    Might have to get myself some saucy sparkly gold polish though...

  21. Hooray for the Sparkles!

  22. many people have gotten here before me..
    but I really DO enjoy your blog and your unique insights..turning the little things into something special
    I am far too cynical
    **going to paint nails with sparkle-ees**

  23. Such a great post and such a great blog you have, Nat! I do paint my nails, like .. always:) Once you get addicted, you just feel naked without the polish:) Sparkles rule - not only in nail polish. So go on, keep it up with the Christmas' spirit and treat urself some more sparkle or glitter - shirts, shoes, whatever be it. I am such a fan;]


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