12.02.2009

For Whatever It's Worth


December the first makes it one year and six months of this infertility. No babies, no babies, no babies. Just . . . tragedy.

Getting pregnant is like playing Russian Roulette, apparently. It's impossible to get pregnant!  The likelihood of falling pregnant in a cycle is something absurd like twenty percent. I had no idea that couples struggled, that it could be possible to go three months . . . six months . . . eight months before finally getting something going. It just didn't occur to me! My mother had no trouble, my aunts had no trouble, my cousins had the very extreme end of no trouble . . . 

Once I realized waht was happening I hunkered down. I prepared mysel not to get carried away in hopes. Where some people were expecting babies, I was expecting not-babies. Doesn't that just sound like a recipe for success?

Late last night as December crept slowly in I decided to honor the sadness properly.  I rummaged through my drawer and brought out the journal I've kept on and off through this whole endeavor. And wow, it was a sobering read. That journal, man. The pessimism in there nearly broke my heart. And what kills me is this - I am not a pessimistic person. What have I been doing to myself?

I think I have been confusing the Universe with my mixed messages. When I see babies it is like the bottom drops out from under me. When I see pregnant women I feel angry and alone, like I've been abandoned. When talk amongst my friends turns to mothering and labor stories and pregnancy complaints I struggle to hold back the tears. What am I saying to the Universe here?

Because, quite the contrary, I want babies! I want to carry a baby, give birth to a baby, nurse a baby, hold a baby, mother a baby... and  I have these instincts, they are telling me I will be good at it.

I want a baby the way some might want a sandwich. Hunger. That's the word.

Maybe trying to protect my heart by expecting the worst wasn't my smartest idea. Fatalistic self-determinism? Well, forget that.

I am adjusting my frequency. I am going to let my heart want this with everything it's got. The armor is down, the shields are away. The hope is big and I'm not going to protect myself anymore.

I have always believed that even when we have no power, we still have control.
We control our lives by the choices we make.
I am making a choice.
I am choosing now to believe that it is possible.

57 comments :

  1. It is possible :-)
    Don't give up hope and always think positive baby thoughts. At least that's what I'm trying to do every month.
    Nice, happy baby thoughts. I'm going to manifest a baby it it's the last thing I do, and you will too!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sending lots of Christmas Baby Dust your way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It always amazes me that making babies is such an exact science. 20% is just crazy!

    I'm sending thoughts of babies to the Universe on your behalf!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Gal, you will get there! We will all SQEEEEE with you when you tell us. Plus I know from experience that it takes FOREVER! 2 years, 1.5 years and 2.5 years of trying for my three. But look, I've had three! Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear Lord,
    help her get preggers! Help her have peace and joy while she waits patiently for her special baby that you have waiting for her.

    thanks and amen

    ReplyDelete
  6. don't give up! my aunty gave up trying and thought she was infertile and BAM 2 years later she's pregnant.

    also, tonights a full moon, and apparently it's easier to get pregnant around this time. so goodluck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. We are all rooting for you, Nat. Even us lurkers. With all this positive energy on your side, something will happen. Don't ever give up hope.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "All good things come to those who wait", yea I know that's much easier to swallow when you're actually hunched over the toilet with morning sickness but I believe it will happen for you. I'm happy to hear you're letting your heart believe. I will be hoping and wishing for your special little bundle to come your way!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nat, your time will come. Think positively, your baby has just been delayed for some reason we can never know, he or she is on their way.

    ReplyDelete
  10. OH! How I feel for you!
    I read somewhere, when I was trying, that you should have sex like you are going to work (as in daily, for hours. Not that you are working at having sex! lol) and then lay there for 10 minutes with a pillow under your butt (kinda positioning above your heart). It is suppose to help move everything near your cervix and into the right position for implantation. Plus, what is better than baby sex?
    Sending up a prayer!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Good girl! Belief is a good thing! It'll happen. And, Natalie, but don't take this the wrong way...I somehow don't think you'd be good at "putting up shields" and really meaning it. You're just too caring of a person, from what I gather in reading your stellar bloggy-blog. So I'm glad you've made the resolve to bring the shields down and what-not, cause it'll be better that way. And you'll get pregnant, too. :)

    I love that you said you believe that you ought to feel your feelings to the utmost and then move on. That's me too! Even if it's not a conscious (sp?) thing...especially in the anger category...the way my oldest brother put it is that my anger is "Fast and Furious." Not sure if that's good or bad, but it's true.

    Oh, and I just have to tell you that I think you were a fantastically precious baby; the fat bracelets round your wrists, and the pudgery that was your entire being...well, it just makes me smile. When I see babies like that I just want to plant my lips on their chubby cheeks and kiss them right off! :)

    You'll get your fat baby!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yes, it will happen for you! Perhaps the change in attitude is just the thing...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Don't give up. Just don't "try" - you know? My mom tried for quite a while too, until one day she said, "I still want it, but I'm not going to count my days and keep track of my cycle. I'm just going to enjoy life and my relationship with my husband." And surprise! She got pregnant just like that.

    As for me, I don't feel your exact pain, but similar. I've had completely opposite problems with pregnancy. Within the first 3 years of marriage we got preggers 4 times. FOUR!! And we were trying NOT to get pregnant by using natural family planning. Ha! Sadly, the first three ended in miscarriage and the last was a tubal. Now I'm 25 years old with only one good tube and I fear it will never happen again, but I have faith that whatever happens is meant to be - and I'm content with that.

    I pray you can find that contentment too. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Positive thoughts/beliefs are powerful.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You go girl! There's so much pessimism in the world today, keep the hope alive! :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I feel ya. I definitely know that feeling in the pit of your stomache every month when the stick comes up negative and you just want to throw it at the wall and cry...and I'm sure you know that feeling when your friends seem to magically get prego and you're left crossing your fingers. You're happy for them, yet secretly jealous. It's a hard place to be emotionally. I got to the point of telling my hubby I couldn't be around all "those" women because it hurt too bad. You're right, getting pregnant is a science, but from one friend to another can I encourage you to not make sex a science. Trust me on this one, somedays it was harder to hear him say all I wanted him for was a baby. Sounds funny, but that's the danger in "trying". Stay encouraged...you will hold your little one in your hands and when you do that time will be that much sweeter!

    ReplyDelete
  17. The waiting is agony! I know! Four years we waited for our twinners. And we waited over a year for our first. Waiting stinks, royally! But hang in there. It will be all the more sweeter when it happens.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You are so honest and open - it's clear you've blown those walls away!
    I think your change of attitude is exactly what is needed - thoughts become reality, and I truly believe that you can "block" a baby with those feelings. You are an amazing person for being able to self-analyze like this, recognize that a change needs to be made and actually MAKE it.

    With so many of us sending positive vibes your way, you are sure to get pregnant really soon!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I feel for you, and I'm wishing you all the best...

    ReplyDelete
  20. Your honest words ....they have to be healing! Trusting and knowing that us, your readers, can feel your heartbreak of 18 months of waiting...we are still here and will be...waiting for the day when you announce the joy that you long for! I have an adult daughter (29) who is in a long term relationship that seems to just stay in where it is...no marriage yet and I keep thinking that when I had my last child it took me 3 years to get pregnant (I was 38 when he was born). It REALLY is a miracle...conception! My first three were so easy but I learned a lot about myself while I waited for my last.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am sending you pixie dust that is filled with the hopes of fat gurgly babies! I wish you a round and delishious belly filled with movement and hiccups (those are the best!). You will get your dream. Stay positive. And try to chill....easier said then done, I know... but if you relax a teeny bit... it may be a little easier to get what you want. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  22. I know how hard it can be. Open your heart to the universe and it will deliver. Sending you lots of hugs. xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hang in there! My little sis tried for THREE years. Three years of utter agony. Finally, she and her husband went on a vacation, relaxed and now she's six months preggo. So my advice: Take a relaxing vacation. Sometimes you just need to de-stress.

    ReplyDelete
  24. It is possible, and it will happen. I can't wait for the day your post title is: ++++!
    ((hugs)) from someone who has been there...

    ReplyDelete
  25. During the two year period that Alex and I were trying I finally decided that maybe the timing was right for me and Alex but maybe the timing wasn't necesarily right for our little baby. Maybe she needed to wait two years because of something that needed to happen in her life in the future, something that if she would have been born two years earlier would not have worked out. That always made me feel better, it took the pressure off of me and all the questioning of "why me? I'm ready" and put it on our little one :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Your post broke my heart for you! Until that last sentence. Ten little words that live and breathe HOPE. You are not discouraged, you are not pessimistic, you are hopeful. And that made this post so encouraging and uplifting and heartbreakingly beautiful. And the Lord has hope for you too (Jeremiah 29:11). And lets face it, with you and Him hoping together, I don't think those pessimistic thoughts stand a chance!

    ReplyDelete
  27. From someone who has actually started their period while peeing on the stick... I feel your journey man. All I know is at the end of the day I am an infertile mother of twins. And they just needed to come when they did and we cherish every moment because of the wait. And I am still hungry and wish I was not broken. I think putting down the shields is smart. If you can find it in your heart to throw a baby shower or two and get happy on the inside for pregnant friends, it helps the whole karma thing. But dang it all, it is hard. Will be praying my butt off for a holbsbaby.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hope is good, but hard too. I hate that every month the rug gets yanked out from underfoot, three years and counting- but still the next month that little bit of hope is back. It's good not to squish it. Seriously though, think about a massage, it worked for 2 of my friends.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Stay positive, it WILL happen!

    I have heard of people having great luck with acupuncture when trying to get pregnant!

    ReplyDelete
  30. OH! And I LOVE the picture of you as a baby. Too cute!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Your mom was gorgeous. How uncanny to see a side profile of her and you next to each other. You two look so much alike. (I hope that is a good thing!)

    ReplyDelete
  32. You have the heart of a lion. The strength of 1000 soldiers and the prayers of 1063 friends backing you up on this one. It is possible! It will happen and your dreams will be a reality. Just believe.... Let yourself believe. Another great read my dear. Thank you for not being afraid to show us your weakness while finding your strength.

    ReplyDelete
  33. You may feel completely alone, but you are not.

    ReplyDelete
  34. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  35. You say it so well. We've been trying for THIRTY months. And what diagnosis have I been given? I have PCOS. There is no cure, there is managing. I'm not infertile, but I'm not ovulating, see, which is quite the problem, see. Combine that with a possibly low (there remains to be a re-testing of the testes) count of the swimmers, and our chances are probably like one in a million. But to me it feels like one in a gazillion. I know what you're going through, is what I'm trying to say. As I said it a couple years ago and I'll probably say it again this year: Merry-barren-Christmas.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I saw myself in what you wrote here and got it... In a not to be too dramatic but complete shift in who I am being way, hit me in the guts, tears to my eyes, GOT IT. Thanks.

    Here's to a new year of baby news for you & me.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I'm trying to think of a way to not be hurtful about this, because that's not what I want. I really enjoy reading your blog, and you seem like a wonderful person. But please don't get your hopes up. Despite what everyone else has said, it's just not true that "positive vibes" can make a person pregnant. You can't just wish yourself into having a baby. It is God's decision, and His alone. And it may be his decision for you not to have children. I know you feel like you were meant to be a mother, but many people feel like they were meant to be one thing or another, but it's not what God wants. You have to able to accept His will, whatever it is. You have to be able to surrender your own plans and desires for His will. Matthew 10:37-39 says, "Whoever loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever does not lay down his life and follow me is not worthy of me. For whoever finds his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." You have to sacrifice your own wants and desires for God's will. Your body was not meant solely to have children--it was meant to serve God, and there are many ways to do that without having children.

    With that being said, I sincerely hope you have children because it's an amazing blessing. I just hope you can get to a point in your life when you are willing to accept God's will whatever it is, children or not, and to know that being a child of God is immeasurably better than anything earthly thing.

    ReplyDelete
  38. *HUGS*

    No words of wisdom or wit.

    Just *HUGS*

    ReplyDelete
  39. I believe God puts desires in our hearts for a reason and that in His timing, he will fulfill them in the way that will bring Him glory. My cousin was married at 21 and tried for over a decade to get pregnant - at one point, they told her she had endometriosis (sp?) and would never have babies, but guess what? God did an absolute miracle and not only was she healed of that, but she now has a beautiful baby girl!!! I cried the day she told us - it renewed my faith in God all over again. She has so quickly forgotten the pain of those years spent waiting & is absolutely thrilled to finally be a mom. I'm impressed with your vulnerability and decision to be real about your desire for motherhood - that takes courage. This post was so inspiring and easy to relate to - because we've all been there - maybe not with babies, but with some kind of longing that has yet to be fulfilled. Thanks for posting this:)

    ReplyDelete
  40. Infertility really really really sucks.

    Here:

    Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.
    ~Joseph F. Smith

    Be patient.

    Happy Wednesday.


    Oh, and, if all else fails... Consider a life altering trip to Ethiopia (hint hint)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you.... :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. thanks for your perspective. It helps to know that I am not the only married mormon woman in the world who has not be able to conceive a child to date. My husband and I have been working on this little challenge for about a year now. I don't really have women to talk to about this: both of my sisters have children, my visitng teacher is pregnant with her third (as are it seems half the mothers of the kids in my nursery class), and it is hard not to get a little tear in my eye during the primary program. It's like all of these women have a secret they are not willing to share. Oh well. I am determined to figure it out. If you hold on to hope than I will do the same. Until then I have my little chihuahua to keep me company and hulmiliate in little holiday teeshirts. Thanks for your words!

    ReplyDelete
  43. DO believe it is possible! DO own those feelings and yearnings! DO let hope carry you! Be happy when you see those bellies and babies and know that your time is coming! When you let go and ride the faith train, you find you don't actually fall, you soar! Ten years and counting, and I still believe! After three years of aching, I let go and found I had wings to fly! I learned that being a daughter of God an amazing adventure!

    ReplyDelete
  44. Oh, and DO let those tears fall when they need to, too! :)

    ReplyDelete
  45. oh dearie. you took my thoughts and feelings and made them into beautiful words. i'm dreading the 16th of this month. that's our 3.5 year anniversary of tossing the rubbers. i'm sure you're reading this and hoping and praying you dont end up as far along the infertility road as i am. i know i never thought it would be me. it can be overwhelming thinking about how many YEARS it's been and the possibility of infertile YEARS to come. all i can do is take it one day at a time.
    i hope and pray you get a miracle babe soon!
    if you're in the mood for some mormon infertility blogs, here's mine. you can find some more great reads from there. you are not alone!
    mrsinfertility.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  46. My mother wasn't able to have children. She had many pregnancies that ended in miscarriage, or had preemies that didn't survive. Her body literally could not handle having a child. I was adopted at age 7 and I must say, my mom is my mom. If you're meant to be a mother, you'll find a way, whether it means to start taking treatments to help in the process of getting pregnant to adoption. I pray it does happen for you one day, but maybe you're meant to help another get out of a bad situation. If I hadn't been adopted I KNOW I would be in a much more dangerous situation. My mom helped me and my sister get out of child abuse. So maybe you're just meant to help another. And believe me, if it does come down to adopting, you'll love that child as it's your own, I promise!

    ReplyDelete
  47. I wish you the best but as a little hint, if you have been on the pill or the shot etc it does takes a long time for the hormones to leave your system completely, especially if you have been using birth control for a number of years. Be patient and remember that things always happen when you least expect them and that those are always the most wonderful surprises!

    Best of luck and I hope that you get your little miracle as a wonderful Christmas surprise.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Oh, Nat...I don't even know what to say. Personally if I were you, I wouldn't really like me. I got pregnant and it was an absolute accident. I even took the morning after pill the next morning and Lex still made it into this world.

    I have to say that (and I'm sure you've heard) if it doesn't happen there are other ways of having a child. You are going to make a wonderful mother one day and you know that, and the Holbs will make an amazing father. Just keep your positive attitude and things will happen how they are supposed to happen. God knows what he is doing with you:) You are already a good mother!

    ReplyDelete
  49. please don't feel panicky or frustrated around me :) I want for you to have a baby very very much so...i know you'll be so great at it. I don't ask you about it much anymore because i get really emotional over these things...but i as sooooo cheering for a Holbrook baby. :) Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Cripes girl, I just have to say. WELL SAID! You are quite the writer- I do hope you are working on a book (:
    Seriously, I was captivated. Riveted. downright.... entertained? I hope those are right words. Although... I did get the message. I'm sorry you feel that way right now- but remember everything is in the Lords time instead of ours. It may seem like forever but once those babies come- you'll be all the more grateful, right? Good luck- and to reiterate: your blog is super duper great.

    ReplyDelete
  51. This is what worked for me. We tried to get pregnant for 8 months, and at that point, I had decided to stop "trying" and just let live.... how ever, on our last "attempt" after the deed had been done... lol... I just kept very still, i didn't get up, i didn't move... i just kept very still, and fell asleep that way... and then a month later... i had a postitive preg test... so maybe that will work for you.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hi~ You do not know me..i stumbled on to your blog and I have been reading it for a bit now. I've thought about commenting but just haven't done it. your blog is wonderful and this one got me. I had to comment.
    It is possible.
    hugs to you
    Nichol

    ReplyDelete
  53. Hi Nat, it's me Linds. I wrote you an email about puppy woes in the summer. You wrote me back and made my day;) I was reading your posts from years ago and came across this one. I loved it. My how little Huck looks like his mama as a baby. I'm just so glad you got him. Just wanted to share. Love your blog!!

    ReplyDelete
  54. I am so happy that I can read this honest post about a really common struggle with a smile on my face, knowing that it happened for you. My aunts spent 3 and 7 years respectively trying to conceive, and thankfully in both cases they were blessed with children. Actually, they each ended up having another after that!

    Anyway, I am creeping through your posts because your writing really inspires me. Always, always. Also, if you told me that the baby in the picture was Huck I would have been like, uh, obviously. Who else would it be? It is amazing how we can be blessed!

    ReplyDelete
  55. I was scrolling through your old links and came across this post. A little over three year later you have little Huck! It makes me happy to know that even though it took a while, you did become pregnant. And amazingly the photo above looks almost exactly like Huck!

    ReplyDelete
  56. I only suffered through infertility for a year- not even sure if that even counts in doctor time- but it was so frustrating, hurtful, I felt broken. It is so hard.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Wow, amazing how little Huck looks sooo like you. At first I thought it was a pic of him instead.
    Love the blog
    Wiola
    onedaybook.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

Comments are moderated because mama ain't no fool.