Natalie Makes Good

The fact of the matter is, it is cold outside. It is the kind of cold where any flakes that fall are just remnants of dead clouds. Cloud dandruff. Because it is cold. It is cold outside and I have nothing more to say about that.

I wasn't going to go running today. It is so cold that even the dogs don't want to be outside. Not at three thirty when all those punk junior high school kids are walking past our fence, and not even at five thirty when Jerry lets his dogs out and there is promise of a fantastic battle at the property line. It is that cold. Serious business cold.

I had grand plans for myself and the treadmill. We had a date, the two of us. My sneaks and that rickety thing, we were going to make beautiful miles together. In a heated bedroom. With Hulu on the laptop. And then The Holbs made this sort of off-hand comment. Something about being a wimp? 

Suddenly my afternoon contained one three-mile tour of the frozen tundra, with The Holbs that old stinker! Then I put on every article of clothing I owned. Cause it's cold!

I will skip the part of this story where I started off faster than The Holbs and he had to sprint to catch up with me. I will also skip the part where he complimented my form, and the part where I blasted it up the hill and didn't even stop once even though I really really wanted to, and the part where The Holbs had to pee in the porta potty on the trail.

What I will not skip is the part where The Holbs had a cramp in his side and I did not, because this merits some elaboration.

So, The Holbs, he gets this cramp, see.

Ow! he says. He slows down.

What's the matter? 

I have a side ache! He wheezes.

I stop. You have a side ache?! I am incredulous. This is the captain of the high school soccer team! The "I-Run-For-Fun!" guy. The "If You Run, Your Butt Might Shrink!" husband. This is the runner, and he has a side cramp? I checked for my side cramp. My side cramp wasn't there! Suddenly my husband has a side cramp and I do not, and . . .

OH-HO! I shout. I have just kicked my husband's trash.

You gonna be okay? I ask.

Yeah, he breathes heavily. It's just, it's right here. He points to his rib cage.

Are you having a heart attack? I ask.

No, no, just not used to running is all . . . I've been doing more lifting lately, because I don't have as much time at the gym because of finals . . .

Oh, well, see you at home, I say. I start to trot off. This is the part where I usually speed up, see, I call back, just to stick it to him.

Then I ran, hard. The Holbs nearly caught up with me about a block away from the house but I ran faster. I didn't even know my stumpy legs could go that fast! 

Later to show that I was a good sport I let The Holbs take me to the mall to get a chicken burrito, no rice. We toured the Christmas sausage store and sampled some cheese, we checked out the New Moon merchandise at the Hot Topic (seriously - ??), and then on our way out we passed a bassoon orchestra of sorts playing a Christmas concert in front of the local Ross Dress For Less. This bedazzled me more than trumping my husband at running! I immediately set to documenting this happenstance for time and all eternity on my memory card.

Then The Holbs waved me over. You will get a much better view from this angle, he said significantly. I did not know what he meant by that until I saw it through the lens.

Sometimes the world is just too good a place for words!


  1. Crack is Whack!

    Love your bobbly hat!

  2. This is why boys and girls you should never do crack. Wait. Wrong kind.

    On another note, I've taken several shots of my friend's crack the last week. She made me erase them though.

    Something else we have in common...we both have a next door neighbor named Jerry with dogs. Except we call our neighbor "Scary Jerry." Reason? B/c he is also a known porn producer. You should have seen the stripper Halloween party he hosted a couple years ago. And people wonder why he gets his carpets cleaned once a week...

  3. Good work ~ I bet that the Holbs makes a little more time for cardio at the gym from now on. You know how boys are about getting beat by girls!

  4. Okay, so I laughed out loud at that last picture!

  5. Who knew that running in below-freezing temperatures could turn into such a great day?! A girl winning a boy whilst running, that really IS something. Way to go, Natalie! And, of course, he earned the teasing you gave him, every last bit. Way to go.

    I've never seen that many bassoons in one place. Ever. And that last picture is...well, it's priceless, isn't it? I've never understood how people can sit around with their cracks showing. Don't they feel the draft down there in their nether regions? -But as gross as it is, I still can't help but giggle just a bit; after all, I was raised with 4 brothers you see...

    Oh yeah, and way to be brave with the doctor. I hate that stuff, but you basically rocked it hard, didn't you? All day long.

  6. Your side splitting tale of defeating the Holbs was a definite blow to the ego of manhood, and a tear or two welled up in my eyes upon hearing of his defeat. Your well documented trip to the mall however was a total "crack" up. I do have just one question though... What kind of burrito did you have? The canvas of my mental picture doesn't have any paint on that part of it yet.

    Fun post today Nat.

  7. Ha HA I love it Fatrat! Totally made my day today!

  8. Congrats on winning the Rat Race. ;) You've given me hope and encouragement to do such a thing to my dear sweet hubs in the near future. My fatty legs need to take him down a notch too. :)

  9. There seems to be a bASSoon joke here somewhere. heh heh.

    Congrats on your win! :)

  10. LOL! I had to send this post to everyone I know :-)

  11. I really enjoyed reading this post! You crack me up! Sounds like my fiance and I...we're always competing...keeps the relationship healthy :)

  12. You are a braver soul than I, 8° is just too dang cold for me.

    Nothing says Christmas more than a little butt crack...I'm just sayin'.

  13. Oh no -- that's cracktastic!!

    And congrats on the run. That is an awesome achievement! Isn't it cool when your body surprises you with what it is capable of?


  14. Isn't unintentional revenge the sweetest? He calls you a chicken and then he ends up payin for it with a big side cramp.

    Thats hilarious. Sounds like the two of you had a funny day.

  15. Hahaha, that is a hilarious set of pictures:) I don't think I would have had enough motivation to run in that low of a temperature. That's when I drive to the gym and deal with finding a parking place.

  16. Didn't anyone ever tell him crack kills.

    And seriously, running in the sub-freezing temperatures? Brave, crazy, frostbite inducing. I don't particularly like to run, in fact I hate it. I wouldn't run unless there was a big scary guy with a knife or a gun, and I was sure I couldn't take him, then maybe I'd run. It'd be mostly weaving though.

  17. That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Rrrowl.

    And congrats on the beating of the Holbs! I made it a practice never to run with Karl (who played soccer in high school and who still has calf muscles to die for), but I'm grateful I broke my promise to myself when we were engaged, because I have this wonderful memory of Karl and me running along the Provo River--just when we got to a bridge, Karl leapt into the air, clicked his heels, and farted. Ahhhh...romance.


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