11.03.2008

Write It Down, She Says


I am in my car in the covered carport of my shoebox house on the phone with my mother. It is 8:45. She tells me news from home and I tell her all the things that have been swimming around in my head since we spoke last. I hog these conversations. The ratio of my words to hers is something alarming like 42:5.

Ned comes by and I watch him go inside. The house is glowing and I can see my chalkboard wall through the kitchen window. I can picture where my mom is sitting (living room) or what she is doing (playing boggle online) or who is at home with her (Blake). I struggle to keep my voice steady as I promise to pray for my dad in his job search. I lose the battle completely as I describe my evening to her and what I am feeling.

She tells me to write it all down.

"Write it down," she says, "and one day when you are up at night nursing a crying baby, you will remember how much you wanted this.

And so I am writing it down.

I see two mothers walking down the street. I am in my car on my way home from another pointless day in a place that is not my own and I watch them walk. One is carrying a baby in a Bjorn and the other pushes a stroller. There are so many leaves on the ground that you can't see the sidewalk. They walk slowly, the breeze is soft and not cold. They chat. The woman pats her baby's bottom through the Bjorn. My eyes overflow and I force them to the road ahead. I am fine by the time I reach the stop sign.

I find out a friend is expecting. I feel jealous, the tears come, but I do not feel angry or bitter. I sigh into my husband's shoulder.

In yoga the instructor tells us to "go to your happy place" and for the first time I don't see myself at Disneyland, where I have my fondest memories of both my family and my sweet husband. This time, clear as day, I see my baby, I feel her weight in my arms, I rock her while she nurses. I am filled with incredible peace, even in the cold gym, lying on the hard floor, with the weird new wave music.

I want to be a mother.

Oh, oh, oh I want to be a mother.

And so, dear future me, I want you to know that I wanted this. I prayed for this.

I am just having to wait.

I don't like it. Not at all.

8 comments :

  1. Hello, came across your blog on c jane's. Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I can relate to them... we've been trying since July, and while I have school to distract me (I graduate in December), I still feel the way you do. Sometimes I think it's incredibly selfish of me to think that, after 2+ years of waiting to start trying, just because we decided that we're finally "ready", that makes it automatically right. I just pray that my heart is being primed for what is to come, and find great comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father knows me and my life and my heart.

    I also love nerds, p.s. My celebrity crush is Henry Grubstick from Ugly Betty.

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  2. My Dear, no matter if it's 6 months or 4 years, the desire to want a family is real, and a blessing from the Lord. Any time to wait is hard becacuse the want of a forever family is so overwelming. I remember those feelings, and I'm so glad I do. It made me stonger, and it will you too. I love you tons girl!!!

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  3. Your mom is right--write this down!!! Because if you're like me and you get to the hospital and have your baby and suddenly change your mind and want to return the baby to the store but there is no receipt, and you can't sleep in the hospital because you're terrified they'll make you take your baby home with you and you don't want to, and then you spend the next several weeks bawling at 2:00 in the morning because you DO NOT WANT TO BE UP YET AGAIN FEEDING THAT BABY, you will want to know that at some point, you really did think having a baby was a good idea.

    So, I exaggerate, but yeah. Your mom is right. And patience be damned. Don't bother worrying about what other people think of you. It 100% totally, incredibly sucks to wait for something you want more than anything and not know when you'll finally get it. For me, it wasn't a baby (I had to be convinced that a baby was a good plan, and some days I still need convincing). But being patient for the thing you want most and are not sure you'll get soon, if ever, is HORRIBLE. You have my heartfelt sympathy and support!

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  4. I found your blog through c jane and I love to read it! And no matter how long you have been trying to have a baby, your hurt and pain and longing for that baby is real, whether it's been a month or 10 years. It doesn't matter. It took me 6 years...6 of the longest years of my life. But one thing I learned is that Heavenly Father knows best. He has blessings in store for you that you can't imagine but they have to happen on his timeline. I got three of those unimaginable blessings after my 6 year wait - triplets, 2 boys and a girl. And had they come when I had wanted them to, it would have been SO MUCH harder! The whole experience taught me many, MANY valuable life lessons that I couldn't have learned otherwise and for that I am forever grateful. My heart goes out to you.

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  5. your mom is a jewel, and so are you for listening to her

    writing it down helped me too, sometimes the venting is necessary

    and it helps me when I'm up at 4 am with my own fussy babe because i just sit and think (when i can get my brain to unfog through the sleepiness) how lucky to mother such a beautiful, healthy boy.

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  6. Natalie, I am sad reading your blog tonight. I am so sorry you are feeling this pain. I truly am. This is a hard thing to go through. I have had many friends and a sister struggle with this and it is difficult for me to know what to say, since...well you know, why for me it might be. Anyhow, while I can't say I can totally understand, I do understand the struggle with having such a desire to want something and not getting it. I have felt that desire often in my life for things to work the way I want them to and then they don't. You are right though to write your feelings down and to rely on the Lord's timing...while that may stink at times, I have found that when I do that, I find peace in my life and I can breathe a little better each day.

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  7. Nat, I remember watching you hold and play with my little Molly and I remember telling Mark the you are going to be the best mom. I know it will happen for you and when it does you are going to LOVE it. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that someday we can live closer to each other so our kids can have the same friendship we have.

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  8. Natalie,

    I left you a comment on Etsy and I'm not sure if you even see those...Anyway, you recently made and sent me an "oy vey" onesie (which I LOVE). I told you about how I wanted to give it to my husband to tell him that we are (when it finally happens) pregnant. You wrote me a little note on my receipt that meant to much to me. I will keep it and tuck it in my future little one's baby book. You said that you totally understood and now I know why.

    We hit the trying-for-a-year mark this month, after a miscarriage on September 11, 2007 (of all days!). It totally sucks. I see the same things you do. I cry. I pray. I wonder.

    What hit me the most about this post of yours is that I said something so similar to a friend just yesterday. I shared with her that I am really accustomed to getting what I want. I have a very blessed, wonderful life. This waiting is the toughest thing for me. Ever. If it helps you to know that you're not alone, then now you know. Thanks for sharing.

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