A Tale Of Two Snuggies


The Holbs has been trying to make me guess what he's gotten me for Christmas all week. This is how I know it truly is the Christmas season. The Holbs loves to pester me as the days count down to Yuletide because he derives a certain kind of pleasure from seeing me flustered. For the life of me I will never be able to really figure this out. I have elected to believe that I must be just darling when I'm angry.

"I'm going to get you something today!" he says cheerfully. "You'll never guess what it is! I have to go to Costco to get it!"

Something came in the mail from Amazon.com the other day. I was expecting some sheet music but it strangely was addressed to The Holbs. "Oh, that's because this is your Christmas present, I bought it last week. It's a book" he said with wiggling eyebrows as he opened the box. There I am standing by the front door trying desperately to avert my eyes while he practically waves it all over the place, my Christmas Surprise. "Wait, did you say you wanted the whole series, or just the first one?" he asks teasingly. And I'm all, Look Holbsbrotha, the surprise is all we've got going anymore! Don't you go messing with my Christmas cheer, Red!

Oh but there is more. So, first I walk the eight-year-old charge to after-school daycare (we have a new game called Hogwarts, where you go through the alphabet shouting out words from the Harry Potter universe - "Albus!" "Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans!" "Crookshanks!" This is much more fun than you're thinking it will be, especially when you whip out "Whizzing Fizzbees!" and your eight-year-old shouts in triumph). Then I take off for a very chilly run about the town. Certain parts of the sidewalks are frosted over and I blaze cautious paths through the thin ice, careful not to slip because there is nothing more pathetic and hilariously human than seeing a person falling down all over the place, you know. The miles are getting harder now that it's subarctic outside but I carry on courageously and all of that, dodge school kids who are tragically underclothed for their walk home, wave at every person who ever existed who drives past me, feel sorry for the whippet who is stuck outside but is curiously wearing a sweater, that sort of thing. When I get home my hands are chapped from the wind, my nose is runny, my chin is entirely numb, and the rest of me is a delightfully sweaty mess. It's pretty secksy, is what it is. It is in this condition that I check the mail and then stop to sort through it all in the living room.

And so: Yesterday a catalog came in the mail. "Oh look, a Snuggie!" I said sweatily to The Holbs, who was laying prostrate on the couch bemoaning his Bankruptcy final. Then I laughed at myself for being so clever, and also sniffed (runny nose). I still really want to get us matching Snuggie's someday, even though I know that it is stupid. I want to frame a picture of us wearing them together on the couch and holding our mugs of hot chocolate out like we're saluting, I think it would be perfectly wonderful. But also, who really wants a Snuggie? Nobody, is the answer to that question.

The Holbs obviously agreed, because he said in the most patronizing voice he could muster,

"Don't go buying us Snuggies, okay? Please?"

To which I responded,

(Facial expression indicating What-EVER!) "Give me a break, I would never."

He looked appeased and overly confident so I carried on with it,

"Not for $39.95, anyway."

And then I laughed some more, and wiped my nose on my tee-shirt. I was really on one. And then The Holbs blurted out,

"Okayyyyyy! I got you a Snuggie for Christmas! At Safeway!"

I looked positively aghast, I could just tell.

"It's leopard print!" he finished, driving the point home. Then he smiled real big, I could tell he thought he'd accomplished something really great there.

While I struggled to take this all in, this onslaught of information, I couldn't help but get caught on the last bit.

"Wait, leopard print?"

"You like leopard print!" His smile was getting wider.

"Yeah, I liked it ten years ago!" That Holbs, he didn't even know me ten years ago! 

Then I narrowed my eyes, because I started to remember that this is classic Holbs-Christmas-Weirdness behavior. He does this every year. He tells me he got me something ridiculous, then enjoys watching me get all flustered trying to find a nice way to tell him I don't want it, and then he tells me he was just kidding all along, or that he returned it and got something even worse. Then what I end up getting is something totally unrelated at all to any of it, and usually not nearly as exciting. You see, this is part of The Holbsauce's game. It's his Christmas fun. I like the Christmas Surprise, and he likes the Christmas Spousal Torment. 

And here is where we come full circle, for I was at the Safeway today. And what did I see there? Lo. A stack of Snuggies. Leopard print, front and center.

Curiously they are the exact dimensions of the red-and-white-striped Christmas present that is addressed to yours truly under my tree. Taunting me.

I suddenly have a very uneasy feeling about this Christmas.

30 comments:

  1. LOL I love this post. Just took a break from my first paragraph of what is to be a ten page paper.

    Your Holbsy is way too funny. Snuggies could be useful just kind of embarassing to buy lol.

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  2. Haha Snuggies!! Your Holbs sounds like a troublemaker -- someone's gotta do something about those redheads....

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  3. Oh, maddening! Although, both of my kids really do want Snuggies? And I have also considered getting our family pictures done in matching Snuggies! I would love to see the looks on people's faces when they opened a Christmas card and pulled out a photo of our family happily wrapped in Snuggies. :)

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  4. $40 bucks for one of those things? You've got to be mad to pay that for a stinking blanket with arms! You should totally getting matching ones for the dogs, you could all be on couch in your snuggies together just like the commercial! Happy Holidays!

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  5. If it makes you feel better, lots of my friends have snuggies and LOVE them. Simply wonderful feeling, they say. :)

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  6. Ah, the snuggie. The sad item that you know will feel delicious, warm and dare I say it, snuggie - but the whole thing is just so gimmicky and tragic that the desire for one is snuffed out by the fear that you will look like one of these smirking twits in the ads.

    PS. Can't wait to see the cheesy photo of you two in your his and hers snugs - I am sure the Holbs will rock the leopard print.

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  7. My Dad, in Northern BC, bought our family each a snuggi two years ago for Christmas. He hasn't been able to afford to send them, and garsh dern it, when I was at home this summer, there was just simply no room in my luggage... ;o)

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  8. They make leopard print snuggies? Awesome. If my family disappoint in any way this year, we may be able to arrange some kind of switch. ;P

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  9. HA! My friend, Donna, has a leopard print snuggie. She was so jubilant about her newfound blanket with sleeves that she posted photos of her in it on Facebook. I was never so embarrassed to have her as a friend.

    Now all my friends are getting one and I am the lone loser b/c I think they're weird. Especially the commercials.

    But! If I got a Texas Tech print Snuggie, then I'd really be Texy.

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  10. My husband and I have wanted to get matching pj's since... gosh, many moons ago. We just never did it. Red with white pollka dots. Ridiculous and fabulous, all at the same time. Hmmmm, wonder if I can find 'em this year???

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  11. The tease of Christmas gifts! One year I thought for sure I was getting an English Saddle. I wanted one so much! My gift was hidden in the garage under a blanket that really looked, sort of like, the saddle. To my great disappointment it was a dishwasher! Yes, I did need one...really! I have teased him off and on all the 32 years of our marriage. That and the vacuum I received for Mother's Day years ago. THAT one was the true BOMB...and he knows NEVER to give that sort of thing again. Oh I never did get the saddle...but that was okay.....I love him so much as HE is the best gift to have come into my life. Followed by our children...

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  12. And add on...they make Snuggies for dogs! Crazy! Of course our little Stewie would like one as he is always wrapped up in a blanket or wearing a little sweater.

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  13. Oh your holbs sounds like my hubs. I too must be ridiculously tempting when I am angry.

    He's been threatening to buy me Snuggies for our pups for two weeks now.

    So glad I'm not the only one.

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  14. This teasing that happens between you and your Holbs...it sounds very much like what goes on between my brother Vance and his wifey. Oh, but it's hilarious to behold.

    So, the Snuggie thing. Natalie, he can't have bought you one for reals, right? If so...well, I have a solution; of course I do. You buy the exact same leopard-print Snuggie for HIM, you see. And then, next year when you send out your Christmas cards, you can send it out with the same picture you want to have framed in your living room. Isn't that a great idea? Only, guess what? Wrap his in a bigger box or something, but keep it kinda hidden, and make it be the last present he opens. Can't you just picture the hilarity of it all? It's a good idea, I'm telling you, Natalie.

    Also...I'm the owner of a Snuggie. It's true. My father, sometimes, although he is a very smart man, he gets these crazy ideas and buys silly stuff off of television. The man (bless his heart) bought 4...although he assures me it was a screamin' deal (something like buy one get one free). Yes, 4 Snuggies. One for Mom, one for him, one for me, and one for my SIL Abby. Abby was rather excited about it. My mom tried to make him feel a bit ashamed. But guess what? We've all used 'em. I brought mine back to Idaho with me, and my roommate teased me mercilessly; but guess which "blanket" she uses most of the time when watching TV or a movie? The Snuggie, of course.

    Umm...I think I'm done here.

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  15. I think TWO leopard print snuggie clad Holbs and Nat with their cocoa in front of the tree would make a great Christmas Picture...

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  16. I, myself, have a leopard print Snuggie. Yes, yes, I do. And I bought it not from Safeway, but from Walgreens, haha! Where the check-out lady told me she'd asked her husband to get her one for Christmas. Which made me feel less stupid and slightly proud of my purchase. Granted, every time I wear my leopard print Snuggie, I think of youtube's parody Snuggie commercial titled "The What the Fuck blanket" and giggle to myself. I am the butt of a HUGE joke--incapable of answering the phone, switching channels on the remote, reading, sipping tea, etc UNLESS I've got my backwards robe on. Love it.

    * However, one drawback to the Snuggie--static cling. Like whoa.

    P.S. Rock that leopard print again, Nat the Rat. Ride the wave of ridiculous.

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  18. ROFL! Sounds like you two have quite the fun together. I can't wait to hear just exactly what is in that snuggie-sized box. Oh, the cheer!

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  19. i proudly own a snuggie! I bought one from Khols last year while on sale for $10. I love it. I use it all the time. But only when i'm alone. When i have company, it's in a safe hidden spot. Where nobody can find it. I have one friend that knows about it. Everytime she comes over, she makes me put it on, sit on the couch and then jump up in the air like they do on the commercials shouting "Go TEAM!". it's most likely funny to watch, but to actually do it, it's embarrasing. Yet, in some sort of twisted thinking, i deserve that humiliation.

    I think that you should get your husband one too, just to have matching ones. Keep it hidden. Or wrap it in a super large box so he can't even guess. Good times are ahead for you two...i can feel it!

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  20. Todd had his office white elephant gift exchange last night. We brought a leopard print snuggie -- I thought it was such a good idea. But so did THREE other people! There were a total of 4 snuggies! And his office isn't that big. Maybe 20 people. It made me laugh. And we made sure to take a picture of the 4 (un)lucky individuals wearing them. What are the odds???

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  21. Even better than matching Snuggies, you should get a double Snuggie.
    http://www.firebox.com/product/2565/The-Double-Slanket?via=ser
    They are called Slankets here in the UK.
    P.

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  22. My sister got a snuggie for her birthday. It is now her favorite article of clothing. She wont go anywhere without it. And guess what! Its leapord print!

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  23. At my house it's the opposite, The Schroeder can't keep a gift a secret to save his life (love his heart). He gets this grin on his face, almost like a baby with gas, and you know he has some secret to spill. He has yet to keep a Christmas gift a secret from me.

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  24. Hi! There is an award for you on my blog:)

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  25. The tale of two snuggies may just be the beat blog post title ever. So cute! I want a leopard print snugggie now!

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  26. Those stalkings are adorable! I hope you made them. :)

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  27. Bah! That is a good one!

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  28. Thank YOU for linking up this one! This is hilarious!!

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  29. This is hilarious! I laughed sooo hard. My husband tries this, but I always guess right within a couple guesses and ruin all his fun.

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