20110609

THE MYSTERIOUS TUXEDO


the other morning, the doorbell rang.

for the doorbell to ring, first the buzzer must be buzzed. and when the buzzer is buzzed the dogs go bonkers.

when the buzzer buzzes, i step over the bonkers dogs, who are pacing and whining and fretting and "oh oh oh someone wants to be buzzed in and i am just a dog and oh oh oh the excitement!" i pick up the phone on the wall and i say, "yes?" into the phone, and then the person at the door downstairs goes "wahhhwahhwhahhhwhahahah" (this is how it sounds to me anyway, who invented this system?) and then i shrug my shoulders and hope it is not a serial killer and press the key button for approximately five seconds.

keyyyyyyyyyyy. it sounds like this, "BUHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

about two minutes go by, or as long as it takes for the person who was buzzing to reach the elevator, push the button, get in the elevator, and then get to my floor, and then, my doorbell rings.

it sounds like this: "PING-PONG"

when the doorbell rings at my apartment the dogs lose it. and goodness, why are they always surprised when the buzzing noise leads to the ping-pong noise? are they not sentient creatures? and at what point will my dogs start to make cognitive connections between things?

the man behind the door bell and buzzer this time around was a fed ex man, all of this leading to the mysterious moment when i opened the fed ex box.

it was . . . a tuxedo.

someone fed-exed my husband a tuxedo.

what is my husband needing a tuxedo for? is the first question i asked myself. and then i wondered, who would send my husband a tuxedo? followed closely by, and what is he supposed to do with it?

my first guess was that my husband was receiving tuxedos on account of top-secret missions. and then i had to ask myself, quite seriously, is it possible that my husband is james bond?

so i texted my man-of-mystery, who was, mysteriously, at work.

"someflappingbody fed-exed you a tuxedo." i texted.

to which he responded,

"lol, i let my friend borrow it about 11 years ago,"

upon which time i had to stop myself because,

wait,

my husband is the kind of person to own a tuxedo?!

and say lol?!?

the end.

27 comments:

  1. question... will a tux lended to a friend 11 years ago fit and be in style enough to warrent fedex-ing?

    Ping-Pong

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  2. Your newest follower. Just found you via the Jen loves Kev Blog and so happy I did!

    Going to be a NEW mama myself in September and couldn't be more excited. Let this not get mixed up with being ready - I don't think that's even possible for a first time mama - is it?

    Would love for you to pop by Little Miss Mama - I always make sure a fresh pot of Tea is on :)

    XO
    Tairalyn

    www.little-miss-mama.blogspot.com

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  3. Men. They are a mystery unto themselves. Will we ever understand their mysterious ways?

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  4. Those dogs. that baaaby... That husband!! Your life is a circus, Natalie!!!!!! (In the BEST way possible!) :)

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  5. Drastic doggie-related decisions! I'm nervous

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  6. This is definitely an epic post. Totally made me laugh today. Thanks, your blog is awesome. :)

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  7. These dogs can be strange sometimes. Our dogs bark when they see our neighbors getting the mail. The same neighbors that have been getting their mail 6 days a week for the last 8 years. And usually their barking will catch one of us off guard which will most likely cause either crying or yelling.

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  8. I found a tuxedo in my husband's closet before we got married. At least I KNEW what I was marrying.

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  9. I love the line "cognitive connections between things which constantly correlate?" Simply put...Pavlov's Dog experiment, eh? That sounds like quite a security system you have in your 4 - 1 household.

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  10. I'm surprised he remembered that he lent a tux to his friend 11 years ago. My husband would forget... and then once he saw it he MIGHT remember it. But maybe not?

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  11. Top five dude, top five! I would pee in my unders if my hub said lol.

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  12. seriously - I freakin' adore your writing style. And the words! Oh Nat the Fat Rat - the words you use! I repeat them, roll them around, marvel at them. Great post with such wonderful alliteration. That's all.

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  13. re: drastic doggie related decisions. I don't know how you do it. I live in a house! With a back yard (I mean, it's no central park, but there's a fence! a fence, I say!)! And two dogs! And they run my life. Hubs wants kiddos, I say dogs take like, 1500-2000 square feet. You are a doggie angel, woman. Also, hubs who wants kiddos also owns approx. 203938729 t-shirts and knows when a SINGLE one of them has been loaned/used as a cleaning rag (oops) or a sleeping shirt. Amazeballs is what that is. Men and their clothing. Sigh.

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  14. Or is he actually James bond and the tuxedo lending is a cover story? Super entertaining as usual!!

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  15. i'm running out of ways to tell you how much your blog makes me laugh and/or smile.

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  16. Natalie, your husband is a working man living in Manhattan. It would be weird if he didn't have a tux. Don't you watch 30 Rock?

    Liz Lemon: Why are you wearing a tux?
    Jack: It's after 6. What am I, a farmer?

    For the record, I have a tux. And I look for excuses to wear it (although usually I can't afford the events that would require one). But maybe some day my wife and I will bump into you and the Holbs at a charity event or some benefit dinner, now that he can dress appropriately again. :)

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  17. AnonymousJune 09, 2011

    Great giggle! Life with dogs and kids and buzzers and life...and tuxedoes?!
    XOXOX e.d.

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  18. I'm completely in agreement with all the people who say that the "lent it to my friend" is a TOTAL COVER UP! Obviously, your husband is a spy. Maybe he's a communist? Check the buttons for hidden cameras.

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  19. "lol" is the worst. He clearly is a ginger James Bond.

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  20. Oh no. I hope you didn't fall for that old line. "I lent it to my friend." Yeah. The Spy Next Door.

    Oh wait. He's not from Russia, is he?

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  21. Aaaand NOW I am caught up. Hooray!

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  22. This is, perhaps, the best story I've heard all day.

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  23. This is the kind of post if yours I read over and over again. Adorable as all get out but also super amusing.

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  24. NatTheFatRat,

    You are amazing. And I'm sorry about your doggy troubles. And I understand loving your dogs so much. This is an excellent post, and you are an excellent lady.

    I just thought you could use the pickmeup. If brownies and babies named Agnes and complaints about Mormons don't do the trick.

    Sometimes what you can handle is what you can handle. No one's being forced to read here.

    Maybe listen to "Gonna Make You Sweat" and do the robot. It makes me feel better.

    -Genevieve

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  25. Ha! My husband lent his brother a tuxedo for some audition and in a rare showing of responsibility my brother-in-law left it at a dry cleaners in the West Village after the fact. The details of WHICH dry cleaner was apparently lost on my brother-in-law as the tuxedo has never been located...
    I know this is an old post...was just perusing your hilarious and lovely blog!
    Charlotte

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